I had one picture of Allison and me on my phone that we took at her apartment the day we spent together after the first night we made love and I stare at it a lot.
Lack of sleep has been a constant. Thoughts of her keep me up most nights. I wonder about whether anyone has contacted her, what she knows, whether she hates me, whether she is with someone else. I have no interest in meeting other women, because my heart still belongs to her.
Each day, I tell myself that today will be the day that I go to her and tell her my story…her story…the truth…and can never muster up the courage to face her.
“Nothing has changed, Caleb,” I said.
“Why don’t you just go to her and tell her the goddamn truth? What is stopping you now? You have nothing to lose anymore,” he said.
I put my feet up on the kitchen table and threw my head back.
“I…just…can’t bear to tell her I lied to her. She’ll hate me for that. She’ll think that I was a selfish prick who wanted in her pants. And then, the truth will devastate her. I just don’t want to hurt her anymore than I already have. At this point, I’d rather it be someone else that tells her everything.”
“You don’t think it would be better coming from you, someone she knows? She’s got to at least know you cared about her. That’s why you lied, to protect her and because you wanted to be with her without judgment. Can’t you explain it to her that way?”
“Man, I run through this everyday in my head. I know that would be the right thing to do…but you’re not understanding…it will kill me to see her…kill me to see her cry again. I’ve hurt her enough.”
Caleb put his hand on my shoulder. “Maybe…but you owe it to her.”
I threw my head into my hands and whispered, “I know…I know.”
***
I knew what I needed to do…but more days passed and I never did any of it.
My “vacation” was almost over and the thought of returning to work and the daily grind was torture. My hair was now three inches longer and my beard was caveman-style. I had become accustomed to this recluse life over the past weeks.
One evening after deciding to take a shower after three days without, as I was wiping myself down, I heard a frantic knock on the door.
My hair…both on my head and my face was still dripping and I grabbed a robe and rushed to see who was knocking.
When I opened the door, Allison was standing there with tears in her eyes, shaking.
My heart raced at the shock of seeing her and my throat seemed to close preventing me from speaking. All I was able to muster was a faint whisper.
“Allison.”
“Cedric?” she whispered through her tears.
I said nothing as I stood in the doorway, then after a few seconds, tried to touch her arm.
My stomach turned as she violently pushed me away and made her way past me into the living room, visibly shaken.
She knew. Fuck me…she knew. But what did she know?
“Allison?” I asked, still not being able to form a coherent sentence.
She looked down at the floor and put her hand in her purse. Her hand was shaking and she pulled out a photo.
Breathing erratically, she said nothing as she stuck her trembling hand out prompting me to take it. Her eyes were bloodshot red, as she stared at me with an expression I had never seen from her.
It was fear.
I slowly walked over to her and took the photo out of her hand and looked at it.
Oh God, no.
“Allison?