He had shaved that beard away and had just a little hair leftover on his chin. He was wearing a casual black fitted v-neck shirt and jeans and I could smell his intoxicating scent blowing toward me in the breeze.
We just stood there staring at each other. Even though I was scared, a part of me wanted him to approach me…hold me. I didn’t know exactly what this new situation meant for us, but the pull was still strong. It was probably stronger than ever because he just seemed so forbidden to me now.
He was my sister’s boyfriend.
Cedric stood up, but didn’t approach me, as I kept my distance.
“You look good, Allison.”
The sound of his voice sent shivers throughout my body.
“Why are you here, Cedric?” I asked.
“Actually, I wanted to give you this.”
He reached out a yellow envelope, prompting me to take it. Was he serving me with some legal document? What is this?
“What is it?” I asked nervously.
“It’s everything. Everything I wanted to tell you, but couldn’t…the other day.”
Finally approaching him, my hand was shaking as I took the envelope from him carefully avoiding touching his skin. Cedric stood still, never taking his eyes off mine. He seemed to be desperately searching my eyes for a clue as to what I was feeling and then said, “Promise me, you’ll read it, Allison.”
I continued staring at him, still wanting desperately for him to touch me, knowing he wouldn’t cross that line and that if he did, I would pull back.
“I will,” I finally said.
I flinched as Cedric’s hand touched my cheek and I briefly closed my eyes, relishing the brief contact before he returned his arm down and said. “Thank you.”
I walked past him up my front stairs, taking the envelope with me.
Before walking in the front door, I looked back briefly to find Cedric standing in place, with his hands in his pockets looking at me, the sun glare making him only partially visible. Then, I closed the door behind me.
***
It was nightfall and the yellow envelope taunted me from across the room. I wanted so badly to open it, but hadn’t yet mustered up the courage. I was truly afraid of what I might discover in it.
Prolonging the inevitable, I chose instead to daydream about the Cedric I knew before all of this happened.
I so missed the feeling of being on cloud nine and so infatuated, of being held by him and feeling safe in his arms. It was such short time in retrospect…but it was truly the best time of my life. But it wasn’t real.
I wondered how much time Amanda had with him…how close they were, whether his feelings were stronger for her than for me. I hated myself for thinking that, but I couldn’t help it. I felt sick. I knew that maybe everything I needed to know was in that letter and decided I just needed to just open it, already.
So, taking a deep breath, I stood up from the couch and walked over to the letter lying on the table.
Picking it up, I returned to the couch and rubbed my hands over the fairly large yellow envelope.
My heart thumped furiously and I opened a window to let some air in.
I took another deep breath and exhaled, opening the envelope slowly, careful not to rip the contents. Inside was a folded letter with a few pages stapled together and handwritten on heavy high quality stock paper. My chest was heaving in anticipation as I started to read it.
Dear Allison,
First of all, thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it must have been a difficult decision to open this letter. It’s difficult for me to even think about you reading everything I am about to write. But I am also relieved to be able to finally tell you everything. I would say that I wished I had told you this story that first day I laid eyes on you, but that wouldn’t be the truth. I am fairly certain that if I had bombarded you with the truth about me early on, I would have never experienced what were truly the best days of my life, the weeks spent with you, as your friend and as your lover.
I have to start from the beginning. I was 21 when I met Amanda Thompson. She was a freshman and I was a senior at Northwestern. I spotted her across the room at a campus party and was immediately taken by her. She walked in and immediately fell on her ass after she slipped on the floor that was wet from the keg. I started cracking up and she walked over to me to kick my ass and the rest was history. She was beautiful in a natural way and easy to talk to. I dated a lot in those days and it was rare that one girl kept my attention for longer than a week. But Amanda was different. I was a bit of a jackass back then, but she didn’t seem to be scared away by that persona. She was smart enough to see it was a persona. I was a kid with a tough exterior from the streets of Boston. She was a sheltered Daddy’s girl from the suburbs. But Amanda seemed to be able to peel through the fake layers I had built up and had a way of making me want to open up about the real me…my insecurities and fears, my hopes and dreams.
She was young, only seventeen when I met her. I was her first real boyfriend. I got to know her parents, Ed and Elaine pretty well during that time and they were pretty cool with everything, as long as I didn’t spend the night in her room and vice versa. She lived at home and I lived on campus, so sometimes I would go over to her parent’s house for dinner. Ed and Elaine had adopted Amanda as a newborn and she was their only child. They treated her like a princess because they were so happy to have her since they couldn’t have kids of their own. She even looked a little like Elaine.