Rack & Ruin (THIRDS 3)

“Oh. Okay.” Sloane wasn’t exactly sure what Dex wasn’t telling him, but he was sure it had something to do with Ash. “Go home, get some sleep, and be careful.”

“I’ll drop by later and bring you guys some lunch.” Dex leaned in and kissed Sloane. It was a soft, slow kiss that left Sloane wanting more. A small moan escaped him, and he heard Ash’s sleepy growl.

“You two are disgusting.”

Sloane chuckled and pulled back. He gave Dex a wink. “I’ll see you later.”

As soon as Dex left the room and closed the door behind him, Sloane stood and went to Ash’s bedside, nudging his friend’s hip. Ash huffed but shimmied over so Sloane could sit beside him.

“Look at you,” Ash said, a deep frown on his face. “All smiley and glowing like some teen who’s just popped his cherry.”

“Glad you’re feeling better,” Sloane replied cheerfully.

“I feel like shit.”

Sloane recognized that tone, and it had to do with more than physical pain. “What happened?” His friend pressed his lips together, his gaze somewhere across the room. “Hey, it’s me. You know you can tell me anything.”

Ash seemed to consider that for a moment before he told Sloane everything that had happened with Cael. What surprised Sloane the most was the sheer pain in his friend’s eyes. He thought back to Bar Dekatria and Ash’s rambles about Cael after he’d had one too many. He recalled Ash’s behavior toward Cael over the years. The way his friend had taken a bullet for the young Therian.

“You’re in love with him?”

Ash didn’t say a word, but he didn’t have to. He closed his eyes and let out a heart-wrenching sigh.

“Ash, I don’t understand. If you love him, why not be with him? You have to know Dex and I would never tell a soul. We’d find a way to make it work within the team.”

&nbs

p; “I can’t, all right? Not right now,” Ash said. Tears pooled in his eyes. “Every time I think about something happening between me and Cael, I remember him.”

“Who?”

“Arlo.” The crushed look on Ash’s face pained Sloane. He was one of the very few who knew about Arlo. It was something that had affected Ash deeply, and he refused to talk about it to anyone. Not even Sloane knew what had happened to Ash’s Therian twin brother, other than the fact he’d been killed during the riots in the late eighties.

“I don’t understand,” Sloane said quietly.

“It’s my fault he died, Sloane. If I’d done what my parents asked me to do…. If I’d been more concerned with looking after him than following my dick, he’d still be alive. I abandoned him for some perky-assed twink who made out with me behind the bleachers at school. Arlo and I were supposed to go straight home after school because the streets were too dangerous. It was my job to protect him.” A tear rolled down Ash’s cheek, and he quickly brushed it away.

“But instead, I sent Arlo home without me because I was more concerned with shoving my tongue inside Davie Miller’s mouth and my hand down his pants. I was just a stupid kid trying to figure himself out. When I got home, the police were there. Arlo never made it home. He got beat to shit on his way home by some Human assholes. When my parents found out what I’d done….” Ash shook his head, his lips trembling as he tried to regain control, but it was far too late. “They said Arlo was dead because of me. Because I was a degenerate piece of filth. Then to make things worse, I shifted for the first time. Right on the same fucking day Arlo died. It was too much for them. They called animal control. I was locked in a dog cage, and I wished so goddamn bad that they’d put me to sleep like a dog. Instead, Shultzon showed up and took me away. The rest you know.”

“Jesus, Ash.” Sloane was still trying to take everything in when Ash spoke up quietly.

“You know why I wasn’t scared when they took me away for the tests?”

Sloane felt his throat thicken, wishing he could take away his friend’s pain. “Why?”

“Because I believed with every fiber of my being that I deserved to be in pain for what I’d done to Arlo. I told myself what happened with Davie Miller was a one off. That I wasn’t gay. And then I met Cael. My first thought was, ‘I’m fucked.’ because no one I’d ever met made me feel the way he did when he smiled at me. I wanted so hard to keep him at a distance but I couldn’t.”

“So you’re going to punish yourself for the rest of your life?” Sloane couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I know what happened was tragic, Ash, but you have to forgive yourself and move on. Do you really think Arlo would want you to live like this?”

“I don’t know what Arlo would want because he’s fucking dead, Sloane! And it’s my fault. He wasn’t just my brother, he was my twin. When he died, so did a part of me. It left a void that will never be filled. For years I felt guilty for having been the one who lived.”

“So you won’t be with Cael because he makes you happy, and you don’t deserve that?” Sloane felt himself growing angry. If anyone knew how it felt to lose someone he loved, it was him. He couldn’t pretend he understood what it was like to lose a twin, but he understood guilt. He didn’t know if he’d ever not feel guilty over his mother’s death, but to think he didn’t deserve to lead a happy life because of it? Worse, to live a life of punishment? “Ash—”

“I won’t be with Cael because I’m still fucked-up over what happened with Arlo, and I won’t let that ruin whatever future we could have together. I can deal with all that other shit from the facility, with being the miserable fuck I am, because with Cael…. Nothing will be the same again. But he deserves to be happy, Sloane, and right now, I can’t give him that. I love you like a brother, but I’ll deal with it myself. And keep this to yourself. Cael’s hurt and pissed. Eventually, he’ll calm down. When I’m ready, I’ll talk to him about it. Right now, this is the way it has to be. Now do you want to hear about the Coalition or what?”

Sloane cursed under his breath. Sometimes he wanted to strangle his friend. He’d never known anyone so goddamn stubborn. “Fine,” he replied through his teeth. He went to his backpack on the couch and pulled out his tablet. A few taps, and he logged into Themis. “Go for it.”

“The numbers were codes for our initials. Each number represented a letter’s location on the alphabet. So A.K. was one-eleven. The guy we offed was Preston Merritt, Beck Hogan’s best friend and second-in-command. You can bet your ass Hogan’s gonna want blood. Merritt hated me from the start. Whoever our mole is, he or she convinced Hogan to bring me on board. The longer I hung around them, the more I realized the mole was someone we worked closely with. That’s why I volunteered to have Dex’s party at my place. I threw a few lines to see if anyone would bite. I was given locations and times through text using a burner phone. I showed up and did what I was told.”