Cael’s sleepy voice brought him to a halt. He turned, unable to help his smile at the sight of Cael sitting up in bed looking endearing, his tousled hair sticking up every which way. Cael yawned, his drowsy, silver Therian eyes all but glowing in the dim lighting.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. I have to go.” Ash pulled on his jeans and was buttoning them up before grabbing his socks when he heard the disappointment in Cael’s reply.
“Oh.”
Shit. Cael thought something else. “It’s not you. I—”
“It’s okay.”
Cael drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. Nope. This wasn’t how things were going to be after the amazing time they’d had last night. Ash quickly finished buckling his belt and went to Cael’s bedside. He sat and took Cael’s hand in his.
“It’s not what you think. I’m not regretting what happened. I’m still soaring from that. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. That’s why I didn’t want to wake you. After last night, I wanted you to keep that feeling.” A lump formed in his throat, and he pushed past it. Shouldn’t he have gotten used to this feeling by now? No matter how many times he’d gone, it still hurt like hell.
“What’s wrong?” Cael asked, cupping Ash’s cheek. With a sigh, Ash leaned into the touch.
“Every New Year’s Day, I visit Arlo’s grave.”
Cael was quiet, pensive, before speaking up. “Can I come with you?”
Ash searched Cael’s eyes, finding nothing but love and warmth in them. “I won’t be very good company.” And he wasn’t exactly an enthralling entertainer the best of days.
“You’re always there for me. Let me be there for you.”
Ash swallowed hard. He’d never taken anyone to Arlo’s grave. Not even Sloane. It was a burden he’d always placed on his shoulders and his alone. Mostly, he never wanted anyone to see his heartache. “You really want to?”
Cael nodded, his sincerity unquestionable.
“Okay. I’d like that.”
An hour later, they were in Ash’s new truck heading for Brooklyn. It was the first time he’d taken the black truck out since driving it off the lot a couple of days after Christmas. Fucking taxicabs had been bleeding him dry, and since he was off the meds—on account of them being stolen—he went back to driving. Ash headed to the Holy Cross Cemetery in Brooklyn, passing through Park Slope on the way there like he always did. He stopped at a red light and said, “This is the neighborhood I grew up in.”
Cael looked out his window. “Do your parents still live here?”
“No. They moved away after Shultzon took custody of me. I don’t even know where they are now. I set up an alert on Themis to let me know if they pass away, but I don’t want to know where they are.” It would be too tempting for him to show up on their doorstep, and no one needed that kind of drama. He certainly didn’t. It’s not as though they would welcome him. If they’d wanted him in their lives, they would have called. He wasn’t exactly hard to track down considering he worked for the THIRDS. His parents probably didn’t even know if he was alive. His father certainly wouldn’t care.
Cael didn’t ask him any more questions, and Ash was grateful. When he felt like he could share something, he did. He parked off Brooklyn Avenue and turned off the engine. Cael handed him the bouquet of flowers, and Ash took them from him with a kiss.
“It means a lot to me, you being here.”
Cael smiled that beautiful smile of his. “I’m always here for you, Ash.”
With a wink, Ash got out of the car. He came around and closed Cael’s door for him after he hopped out. Ash activated the alarm, and they headed for the entrance, his nerves turning what little he had in his stomach to lead. Every year it was the same. That sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and the emptiness in his heart he could never fill. Would things be different now that Cael was here with him? His visits had never been long. Usually he came, placed the flowers on the ground in front of Arlo’s tombstone, said a small prayer, and left. Ash walked along the empty path flanked by trees, grass, and graves, lost in his own thoughts. The temperature was midthirties, and the wind was bitter, or maybe it felt that way because of where he was, but at least it wasn’t cloudy or rainy. Ash appreciated how Cael didn’t try to fill the silence with conversation, simply offered his quiet strength. They finally reached the grassy pitch where Arlo’s tombstone was. Every year the marble tombstone seemed to get smaller, and it struck him that it was simply how long he’d been coming here, his body growing, his legs getting longer, his chest broader. To think he’d been such a scrawny little kid once upon a time.
What the hell was he doing here? This had to be the stupidest thing he’d ever done. His chest felt constricted, and it was getting hard to breathe. A warm hand slipped into his, and he took a deep breath. His eyes moved down to Cael, who gave him a warm smile.
“Tell me something about him.”
Ash inhaled deeply and let it out slowly. He thought back to when he and Arlo had been kids. Inseparable. “He loved to ice skate,” Ash said, his voice rough with emotions he thought he’d have moved on from by now. “When there was a thunderstorm, I’d climb into his bed and tell him it was to keep him safe, when really, I was the one who was scared.” He chuckled at the memory. “I used to do that a lot. Act like the big tough guy, when all I wanted was to have him there with me. I missed him so much when he wasn’t there.” His voice broke, and he blinked back his tears. He had to hold it together.
“Who are you, and what are you doing here?”
Ash turned, his chest tightening at the sight of the elegantly dressed couple in black hats and winter coats. The world around him was reduced to a blur of color and mumbled sounds.
“Ash?”
“Mom….”
Ash’s heart squeezed in his chest as his mom took a step toward him, only to have his father throw an arm out to stop her. The look of remorse on her face crushed what remained of Ash’s heart into tiny pieces. Was it possible she didn’t hate him? That she’d forgiven him after all these years?