I'm Not in Love

Tristan

As soon asI step through the apartment door, Tara calls out to me from the living room. “Christ, Tris, Dacia told me you broke up with Remi!”

Crappy news sure travels like wildfire. “Technically, that’s what happened,” I mumble.

“What was that?” she shouts. “Speak up or get your ass in here!”

“And tell us where the hell you’ve been all night,” Dacia yells as I pull off my hoodie in the entryway. “We’ve been worried. So, fill us in on what’s up?”

Just as I figured, I’m getting pummeled with questions. “I went to the movies—decided to stay for two. I’m not ready to face the kids.” I head into the living room where the girls are drinking beer on the couch, the volume down on the television. “How did you know what happened with us, Dacia?”

She heads into the kitchen and returns a few seconds later with a beer for me. “I stopped by Remi’s loft before I came here. He told me the news… as he chugged a healthy shot of whiskey.”

Not my concern.“Well, it sucks, but it’s for the best.”

“How do you figure that?” Tara asks. She pulls me down beside her on the couch and studies my expression as if all my secrets can be explained in the lines of my face. But I know how to be stoic—a lesson learned from being a life model.

“Stop gawking at me, Tara.” She ignores my request, so I take a long pull on my beer. “Our relationship wasn’t working for him. And there’s no point in continuing to ‘date’ when we’re not on the same page.” I wonder if Tara realizes how close this feels to Mom’s rejection. You’re a great kid, Tristan—but don’t ask me to stick around.

“So, it was working for you?” Dacia asks.

“Uh, yeah. I thought it was working well.” My eyes sting, and I take another sip of beer to prevent the lip quivering that without exceptionleads to crying. “What happened with Wendy on the street earlier today changed his attitude.”

And my heart isn’t safe with him anymore.

“When I got back here after Christmas shopping, Remi had put Wendy down for a nap, and he was sitting at the kitchen table, sort of hyperventilating,” Tara explains. “Not bawling or anything, just panting and rambling about how he fucked up and… and then he rushed off to the bathroom. I think he got sick.”

I’m not going to spill Remi’s secret about how he kept bolting to the bathroom in the loft, off and on all evening. “He definitely wasn’t himself tonight. But that isn’t why I decided we should stop dating.”

Tara and Dacia gape at me expectantly. What I want is to go to bed, pull the covers over my head, and lick my wounds alone, but I owe them an explanation. They’re going to be the ones who help me explain this complicated situation to the kids. My relationship with Remi has been a family affair.

“What it comes down to—and it’s a little bit embarrassing to admit—is that I’m in love with Remi and… he doesn’t feel the same way.”

“That’s bullshit. We see how Remi looks at you—if it’s not love, I don’t know what is.”

“Tara, that’s not what he told me, and believe me, he was specific.” I’ll never forget his words. “I’m not in love with you. I want you, and that hasn’t changed. I like being with you too. But love—it’s not that.”

“When I was in his loft tonight, I told him he shouldn’t dump the kids like they never mattered to him,” Dacia says.

“You’re right,” I agree. “There’s no need for the kids to suffer over this.”

“If you want, I’ll let him know where he can see the kids—when you won’t be around,” Dacia adds. “He can gradually see them less and less until he’s out of their lives, and you’ll never have to look at him again.”

“No fuckin’ way are my kids gonna hang out with the asshole who hurt my brother.”

“I know you always have my back, Tara.” I throw my arm around her shoulder and pull her against my side. “Dacia’s right, though. Remi and I aren’t a good fit, but he’s been great with the kids, and they love him. He should still see them if he wants to—it’s only fair to them… and to him.”

A few stray tears trickle from the corners of Tara’s eyes. She and I have always experienced each other’s pain as if it were our own. “I’m so sorry, Tris. Watching you guys together on Thanksgiving—the way he held your hand and tried to defend you from his nasty grandmother—convinced me that your bond was solid.”

“He pulled the rug out from under me too. But I love him enough to want him to be happy. If I’m not the right person for him, it’s better for both of us to accept it now.” I stand and stretch, adding a yawn to convince the girls that I’m totally wiped out. “I’m gonna hit the sack.”

“Love you, Tris,” Tara says, wiping her eyes.

“For the record, Remi is a damn fool to let you go,” Dacia adds.

“Can you keep the kids out of my room in the morning? I want to sleep in.” I want to hide from the world for as long as possible.

“I’ll do my best,” Tara replies.

* * *