Tara stands and crosses the room. She perches on the arm of my chair and runs her hand through my hair. Her soothing touch makes me think of Remi’s fingers in my hair. And I want to close my eyes to relive the details, but that would reveal how much I ache over my loss.
“Remi doesn’t understand that people in our lives are never truly gone, even when they’re no longer with us. If we love them, and they impact our lives, they’re always with us,” she says.
I shrug. “I guess.”
When I look up, Tara takes my face firmly in her hands. “Do you understand that, Tris?”
Tara’s theory is sweet but misguided. “I loved Mom. And she’s gone.”
“She’s still part of you, Tristan. You learned from her—you’re a better, more dependable uncle because of her.”
I’m not sure I want to accept what she’s telling me. Because if I let her words sink in, I’ll need to admit that I’m pushing Remi away—just like he pushed me away. And for the very same reason—fear of loss. I’m terrified of losing him—not to death, but to his unstable impulses.
I cover Tara’s hands with mine and glance from her to Dacia. “I get the message.”
“Good.” Tara’s not one to push an issue after it’s been dealt with to her satisfaction.
“How does an icy-cold beer sound?” Dacia asks.
“You know what? I’m wiped out. Gonna head to bed.” I need to spend some time alone with my thoughts.
“Love you, bro.” Tara leans down and kisses my forehead.
“Sleep well, Tris.”
I’m not sure I’ll sleep at all.
* * *
Tristan
As predicted,sleep is hard to come by.
I lie in my cramped, creaky bed—a bed that Remi and I somehow fit in together perfectly—and once again pay the price of letting myself fall in love. I’m confused, and, like Tara and Dacia pointed out, I’m scared. No, I’m terrified of letting Remi become an integral part of my life and then losing him to his fear… of losing me.
We’re caught in a cruel cycle of despair that I’m not sure we can escape.
I turn onto my side and gaze out the window into the darkness. I find no answers there.
At least the kids still have Remi—he’s managed to overcome his fear enough to be there for them. Jared, Tommy, and Wendy aren’t damaged like us, so they can give their hearts without fear.
I close my eyes. Lucky them.