Bare Yourself (Consumed)

I stand and hand off the letter to Willow. I don’t look back as I make my way to the kitchen. I head straight for the cabinet that carries an old bottle of vodka my dad keeps for emergency toothaches. I grab the bottle and a tall glass, pouring several inches inside. It burns like hell going down my throat, but I down it all and pour myself another one, then gulp that one back too.

When my dad first got me back from my mom, we didn’t go back home. Instead, he took me to a hotel here in town, and that’s where we stayed until the purchase on the new house he was buying went through. A week later, our old house went on the market. My dad told me we needed a fresh start, that he didn’t want to take me back to the house that held so many bad memories. I was grateful. Even though I was happy my dad had found me again, I was still dreading going home and sleeping in my room.

I remember the day Mom mentioned in her letter. I didn’t realize it was a memory until she brought it up. I thought maybe it was something my mind had made up or changed. Memories tend to warp over time.

A thumping noise woke me up. Worried about my mom, I went to her room. When I opened the door, there was a tall man standing there with his shirt off. He noticed me standing there, then looked to my mom. I remember the look of fear on her face when she saw me walk into the room. She rushed off the bed and told me to go back to my room, pushing me out the door before closing it. Later that evening, she made me promise to never tell my dad the man was there.

I don’t know how many days it was after that, but it wasn’t long before he started coming to the house to do what he wanted with me. And each day he came, my mom looked sad. For thirty minutes after he left, she would be holed up in the bathroom, and when she finally came out, her eyes were puffy and red. It always made me sad seeing her like that, but I was five and easily distracted with new toys, ice cream, or some other treat she took me out for.

I turn from the counter and throw my glass against the wall, where it shatters and litters the floor. Movement out the corner of my eye catches my attention. I look over and see Willow standing there, hand to her mouth, eyes red and dripping tears. I turn away from her, regretting her seeing me like this. I put my hands on the counter and hang my head. A minute later, I feel arms wrap around me from behind and a head rest against my back. Her warmth seeps into me.

It's not until then I let all the emotions running through my head break free. She has no fucking right to put that shit on me after she’s dead. How dare she reveal something like that and not give me the opportunity to say my piece. It was a fucking coward’s way out.

While what she said in that letter explains some things, it changes nothing. She still didn’t protect me like she should have. She still let that sick bastard put his hands on me. She should have trusted Dad enough to protect us both. She should have trusted the law to do their job. It hurts knowing she went through what she did, and I know in some way she may have thought what she did was her only choice, but it wasn’t. How in the fuck could she let that shit happen to her own son, knowing she went through the same thing as a kid?

A sniffle sounds behind me, bringing me back to the here and now. Nothing changes, and even if it did, it wouldn’t matter. It’s too late now.

I tip my head back, close my eyes, and pull in several deep breaths, trying to rein in emotions. I loosen Willow’s arms around me and turn around. Leaning back against the counter with my arms around her waist, I look down into her beautiful green eyes. Eyes that are still leaking tears. I swipe them away with my thumbs.

“You okay?” she whispers, her voice scratchy.

“Yeah,” I whisper back.

And it’s the truth. What I just found out through that letter may be upsetting and it may make me want to fucking kill Bruce for putting both me and my mom through what he did; it may take me a while to get over the fact my mom, it seems, did love me, she was just screwed up in the head, still too weak to protect me, but in the end, I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay because I have to be and because I won’t let it be anything other than that. I won’t let something that was never in my control rule my life or what I do in that life. I won’t let it take away from my happiness.

Willow watches me, her brow puckered in concern. I know it may be hard for her to believe that I’m fine after finding out something monumental like that, but she’ll see.

To help her see, I bend and kiss her lips softly. Just a single kiss. I pull back, but keep my forehead against hers.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

I nod, which makes her nod too.

“I know I’ve said it before, but I’m so sorry for what happened to you. And for what happened to your mom. I know it can’t be easy reading what you read.” Her voice is soothing, and I love that she’s so worried about me.

“Don’t be,” I tell her honestly. “I hate that that shit happened to her, and to me, but it’s in the past. It’ll stay in the past where it belongs.” I tell her this, but there is something that needs to be done before it can be put to rest.

She still doesn’t believe me. I can see it in her eyes, but after several moments, she nods and gives me a soft smile.

The kitchen door opening has me looking up and Willow lets me go to turn around. I let her face my dad and Samantha, but I pull her back against me with my arms wrapped around her. My dad eyes me cautiously, but there’s a hint of anger lurking there as well. Samantha stands at his side, eyes swollen with tears. My dad looks over at the shattered glass on the floor before looking back at me.

Before he can ask, I say, “I’m good.”

He gives me a terse nod. “What are you going to do?” he asks, and I know exactly what he’s referring to.

“Get on the phone first thing in the morning, make a report and show them the letter. See if there’s anything we can do.” Willow turns her head and looks up at me, but I keep my eyes pinned on my dad.

“Good. Keep me updated.” My dad still may hate my mom, but it was because of her brother and his sick desires, which forced her hand. He’ll want to see justice as bad as me.

“Will do.”

And if the police can’t do anything, I can always go another route. Sometimes it pays being friends with a nightclub owner that dabbles in dark shit. I’ve never had the need to ask Lukas for help, and I could be way off base and he’s completely legit, but I get the feeling there is a lot more to the man than I or any of my friends know. And he owes me for helping him with Tera that one night.

Dad and Samantha walk back into the living room, leaving me and Willow alone again. I tighten my arms around her, dipping down for a kiss.

“Thank you for being there for me today,” I murmur against her lips.

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

“I love you, Willow.” I rub my thumbs along her cheeks, glad to no longer see the tears. She’s too beautiful to ever cry sad tears.

“I love you, too, Tegan.”

Her words incinerate the last of the darkness filtering through me. This woman is my world, and with her in it, nothing will ever be able to darken it. They may try, but with her by my side, they won’t succeed. She’s all I need to make my world complete.