Before Him

“Can we see the roos and the wallabies?” he adds excitedly, his attention for me only fleeting.

“There are heaps of wallabies at your granny’s place. Just don’t go out walking in the dark by yourself.”

“Why? Do they bite?” he asks in tones of relish. “Like the sharks and crocodiles?”

“Nah, they kick butt, though.”

“They fight?” More pleasures of the boy kind.

“I mean, they kick butt, literally.” Roman mimes the action, lifting his butt from the couch as if the pressure of a foot has been applied. Hard and fast. He even glances over his shoulder as though surprised. “You’ve gotta come home from the pub in a group, not by yourself.”

“I’ll remember that for when I’m older.” Wilder gives a solemn nod.

“Better remember it sooner than that. I’ve booked flights for next week.”

My heart, I think it just stopped. But it restarts again quickly with a little help from my brain. “Wilder doesn’t have a passport.” I even manage a passably apologetic tone.

“I’ve got him an appointment on Monday at an agency. They’re going to fast track it.” Roman’s gaze falls to me only briefly again. “They reckon he’ll have it by the end of the week. What do you think?” he asks, tilting Wilder’s chin. “Are you ready to meet your granny and your million crazy cousins?”

“A million?” His eyes fly comically wide.

“Okay, half dozen. And only Edie is batshit crazy.” With a roll of his eyes, he pulls out a dollar from the front pocket of his jeans and hands it to Wilder.

“Do you think they’ll like me?” My heart feels like it’s breaking at Wilder’s tentative tone.

“Why wouldn’t they like you? You’re amazing. They’re all dying to meet you. What do you think, son?”

“I think . . . I like being half Australian.”

“That’s the go!” With a jaw-cracking grin, he pulls Wilder into his arms. “Little mate,” he says, setting him back again. “I need to have a word with your mum. Do you think you could go and play in your room for a little while? Just a few minutes?”

After a non-verbal check with me, Wilder agrees with a nod. Meanwhile, I feel like things are running away from me.

“Will you tell me when you’re done?” he asks, pausing at the door.

“Absolutely. Then we’ll play some Minecraft.”

“Awesome!” My son punches the air. “I promise I won’t listen in like Jenner does!”

“Good idea!” I can’t restrain my accompanying cackle, though it sounds a little odd as it drains away. “I don’t want to fight you over this,” I whisper, toying with the edge of my hoodie. When I look up, the look he’s giving me is kind of really? “I wanted to say thank you for staying with me, for helping me through . . . whatever that was.”

“You mean your panic attack?”

“I know what it was,” I mutter unhappily.

“It was the result of massive amounts of adrenaline, not enough oxygen, and anxiety.”

“Lies, Roman. It was the result of tying myself in knots over telling you lies.”

“Well, that, too,” he agrees, his tone stoic.

“I caused myself stupid amounts of stress, and I guess when Holland told me she wasn’t coming home, I had some kind of break down. You see, I tried so hard not to fall in love with you again. I tried to keep you at arm’s length as protection. I thought if you got close, if you saw the real me, you would see that I’m not worth it. Because everyone leaves me.”

“Kennedy.” My name has never sounded so sad.

“I need to say this, Roman. I can’t undo what I’ve done, but I can do better. I know you think you’re punishing me by saying you’ll take Wilder to Australia, and believe me, I deserve punishing, but you deserve it too. Not punishment,” I add quickly, my tongue tying itself in knots. “You deserve fatherhood. As much as it frightens me to say so, I think you should take Wilder to Australia for the summer. I only wish the temptation of pineapple on burgers hadn’t gotten in on the action first.” I knot my fingers under the blanket and bite the inside of my wobbling lip to stop myself from crying.

“You’d do that? You’d let me take him? On my own.”

“He’s half you. You love him. And I have to think a little less about myself. I have to learn to trust a little more.” To learn I’m worth loving. That I’m worth coming back for.

Roman sighs and twists to face me, bringing his knee up on the sofa, his arms stretched in a v along the back and arm.

“Well, this is a little awkward,” he says, giving a bemused shake of his head. “Because I’ve already bought a ticket for you.”

“You have?” But—

“I’m not gonna leave you here alone. First off, I left yesterday because I was angry, you know that. I’m not angry now, but I am hurt. Hurt you couldn’t see what was right in front of your face. But I’m dealing with it because it occurred to me, you don’t know how to do anything for yourself. I don’t mean you’re incompetent,” he says quickly. “You’re just not very good at putting you first. I mean, yeah, you lied. But I get why. The one time you took a chance, you got scared and allowed your past to colour your thoughts. I get why. You and me, we’ve allowed ourselves to be pigeonholed—I’m my family’s aimless drifter. You’ve been your little family’s rock. But I’m not aimless anymore, because you and Wilder have given me meaning. And what I want to give you is my strength. Someone to lean on, and probably the one thing you’ve never had, and that’s time. Time to think about yourself, to learn to make mistakes without expecting the sky to fall in. Anyway, so here’s what I’m thinking. Close your gob, and don’t interrupt.”