“And, of course, it’s been easy picturing you next to me,” he continued with less gravity in his tone. “The way you treated me—I can’t describe it with words. But I wasn’t shocked to find out you were into kink. When I dove down that rabbit hole a few years ago and started exploring, I thought about you so much. The more I read about certain fetishes, I was like…this could be him. Greer was exactly like this with me.”
For every word he spoke, I was pushed deeper into an abyss of needs and desires. It wasn’t fair that he seemed so goddamn perfect. It wasn’t fair that my attraction to him came rushing back so effortlessly.
Archie was young. I didn’t actually know his exact age, though I guessed he was around thirty. In other words, he had plenty of time to build the future I’d once envisioned for myself. So he’d fucked up with me and with Angelo. It wouldn’t matter in the long run. Everyone screwed up at times.
I leaned back against the kitchen counter and gripped the edge, and I couldn’t help but feel bitter. That future was supposed to be mine, goddammit. And yeah, we’d only shared a few hours together, but fuck it all, I hadn’t needed more than that to place him in those same fantasies.
“Anyway,” he said quietly. “You’ve been more patient than I’d hoped for. Thank you for hearing me out. If…” He was wringing his hands awkwardly when I looked over at him.
Was he leaving? Was he trying to say something else?
“As I told you, I don’t believe in my pipe dreams, but if you…maybe one day…can find it in you to forgive me, I’d want nothing more than to be a part of your life.” He cleared his throat, and I heard the emotion he was struggling with. “For what it’s worth, I could not be sorrier. And I wish every day that I could go back and do something differently.”
Oh, just twist the fucking knife a bit more, kid.
I couldn’t shake the bitterness, I couldn’t stop feeling irritated and defensive, but it didn’t matter. He wasn’t leaving now. He couldn’t barge into my life, dump all this information on me, and then walk out.
“You’re outta your damn mind if you think you’re going now.” I tried to rein in the clusterfuck of emotions, but I wasn’t sure I did a good job. A war was brewing right underneath the surface. “My head is completely fucked.”
He walked over to me, wary yet quick in his steps. “Tell me what to do. Anything you want if it makes it easier.”
What if I didn’t know?
I dragged my gaze over him, from head to toe and back up again, and I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was drained. I wanted to crush him in a hug—an angry hug that squeezed the hell out of him at the same time as it recharged my batteries. Or I could kiss him until his lips were bleeding. The thought of my hands around his neck was appealing…while I fucked him stupid.
Then I thought of something that might help. A reality check.
“On what grounds have you built that fairy-tale pipe dream?” I asked. “How can you know what you want when you don’t know me?”
Yeah, that was the question that would help me land again.
CHAPTER 6
“I know you better than you think, Sir.” He tilted his head and peered up at me, his expression open. “I know you’re trying to pull back right now. You don’t want to feel anything because it might get messy.”
Messy? I’d never shied away from a mess. This wasn’t a mess. This was something else.
“That’s not me. I see shit through. I don’t bail when things get complicated.”
“No, that makes sense.” He nodded slowly and turned pensive. “But your rules on life are the opposite of complicated. I think what I said earlier—all of it—is messing with that simplicity.”
Well, he wasn’t wrong there.
He dropped his gaze to the DM patch on my chest. “You’d kinda given up on your dreams of having children already when we met, so I’m guessing nothing’s changed there. You were…a little wounded back then too. Maybe jaded. And lonely. All the things that terrify us and prevent us from hoping.”
Was this the psychology student in him? He’d studied psychology too, if I remembered correctly.
“At the risk of sounding like the biggest cliché…” He trailed off and grabbed one of my hands in both of his. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained?”
Ouch.
He’d certainly ventured a lot today.
“What if, Greer? What if.” He lifted his gaze again and didn’t look away this time. I was caught in the depths of his silent plea. “We were gonna start something five years ago. Since then, I’ve only discovered more things we have in common. So what if…what if we could be great together?”