I’ll never know if he pulled me onto his lap or if I climbed onto it, but I soon find myself straddling his hips.
His hands are on my waist and I balance myself by putting mine on his shoulders. Our eyes are locked together and having his hands on me makes it hard to breathe.
“I think the birthday girl has had enough to drink for tonight,” he says in a low, husky voice. “Mom would kill me if I take you back home with so much as one scratch on you, Len.”
I smile. “But I didn’t fall. You were there to catch me.”
He sounds suddenly serious, all the laughter of a few moments ago is completely gone. “I’ll always catch you when you fall, Len. You know that, right?”
I swallow slowly and nod. “I know,” I whisper.
His body heat is seeping into me as we get closer, our chests almost touching. I’m waiting for him to do something, to give me a sign that he wants me as much as I’ve always wanted him.
His hold on my waist tightens and my fingers rise to caress the edge of his jaw. He makes a low, rumbling noise and I take it as encouragement to lower myself on him and wrap my thighs around his lean hips.
Like this, our faces are extremely close and I move even closer, tilting my head so that our lips are about to touch.
He looks at me, his irises are blown up huge and I close my eyes, sure that he’s about to kiss me; it’ll take just the smallest of movements for it to happen.
My first kiss with the man I’ve loved since he was a little boy and I could barely walk.
The anticipation is so intense, that I can’t hear anything over the frantic, loud beats of my heart; so it takes me a second to focus when the contact between our mouths doesn’t happen and he pushes me away from him.
My butt lands on the sand with an unsexy “thud.”
“What the fuck are you doing, Len?” Darrius asks, scooting back on the boulder we were on and sending the almost empty bottle of vodka rolling away in the sand.
I’m confused, so I stammer, “I ... I—I just thought—”
Darrius looks absolutely horrified. “You must be more fucking drunk than I thought. If I hadn’t stopped you, I would’ve cheated on my girlfriend!”
His words are like a sharp knife through the heart. Actually, no, scratch that. His words are like a blunt, rusty knife to the heart, because I’d imagine that a sharp knife would kill you quickly and painlessly; but this ... this hurts like I never thought was possible.
“I thought ...” I swallow the painful lump in my throat. “I thought you and Lisa were broken up. I thought this was a date.”
He lowers his gaze, refusing to look at me while he breaks my heart. “We had a big fight. I’d heard she’d be here and I wanted to see if I could talk to her. I also didn’t want to come here alone, just in case she had brought a date. That’s why I asked you on a date tonight.”
Don’t cry. For fuck’s sake, Lenley, don’t cry. I inhale a big gulp of air, trying to steel myself enough to be able to ask him the next question. “So, you used me?”
He shrugs. “She’s always been jealous of you, Len. She never liked how close you and I were. So coming here with you was the best test to find out if she still wants to be with me.”
I finally manage to stumble back onto my feet. “Darrius, I’ve always loved you.” I hate the way my voice is breaking.
“I love you too, Len. I always have and I always will.” His words contradict what he just said, that he used me as a “test date.”
“No, D,” I say on the brink of tears. “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you my whole life. When you asked me on a date on my birthday, I thought you’d feel the same way.”
He looks genuinely shocked. “Fuck. I’m sorry, Lenley. You’re a very pretty girl but ... you aren’t my type. You’re a girl next-door kind of beauty and I’ve never been attracted to that. I simply don’t see you that way.”
The first tear lands on my collarbone and I pray to all the beach gods that it’s dark enough for him not to notice that I’m crying. “So you don’t feel the same way about me?”
He looks really surprised by my declaration. “I—Fuck, I do love you but I’ve never even seen you in a sexual way.” He sounds like a broken record. “You aren’t the type of girl who turns my head.”
I want to say to him that he seemed plenty attracted to me a second ago, at least judging by how hard he was when I was straddling him; but what’s the point? He’s made his feelings more than clear and I need to get out of here. I need to put as much distance between us as humanly possible.
“Ok,” I say, trying to keep my voice from trembling. “I’m going home.”
He rises from the boulder. “Let me drive you—”
“No!” I blurt out, walking backward. “I need to be alone. I’ll call an Uber.”
Darrius objects. “But you came out here with me and if something happened to you, Mom would kill me.”
I grit my teeth to stop myself from yelling that Mom is my mom, not his. I opt for a less combative, “You’ve had way too much to drink, you shouldn’t drive. I’ll be fine. I just need to be alone right now.”
I’m relieved when he doesn’t chase after me. I book the Uber as I walk back toward the house and find it out front waiting for me for the short drive back home.
By the time the hired car stops at my front door, I’ve already booked the red eye flight to New York and from there the transatlantic flight to Paris.
My bags are packed one hour later and I spend the next few hours crying into my pillow.
I make coffee for Mom one hour before I need to be at the airport. France is nine hours ahead from me and Mémère is already up and she said I can stay with her as long as I want.
Mom doesn’t argue when I tell her that I’ve decided to go to France for the summer, she doesn’t even mention my internship.
The summer turns into an entire year.
I needed it. I needed time away from Darrius and I needed time with the other half of my family, the half that misses Dad as much as Mom and I do.
I decide to come back when my wounds don’t feel so raw anymore. A month after Sarah informs me that Darrius and Lisa have called it quits for real this time.