Like in a real-life nightmare, he confirms it. “Yeah. We hooked up a few times after I ended things with Lisa. To be honest, I had reached out to her because I wanted to call you but I didn’t want to do it if you were still mad at me. And we began talking and things just happened from there. She’d just come back to town from Texas and like you, she looked so different and grown up. Hot. We haven’t been out much in public because I wanted you to hear it from me first but—”
“Kiara?” I say, as if saying my bestie’s name could somehow change the reality. “You’re dating my best friend? And this is why you wanted to talk to me?”
He doesn’t seem perturbed by the fact that he’s fucking one of my two best friends in the entire world. Well, three best friends, counting him. “Yeah. I wanted to ask Mom and my dad if they could keep her in mind for a job at the Angel’s HQ but I wanted to talk to you first. Don’t you think that would be fantastic? We’ll spend so much time together!”
He’s fucking my best friend. Kiara is his girlfriend. “No!” I yell, pushing him away from me with such force that he stumbles backward, almost losing his balance. “No, it wouldn’t be fantastic! If you ask Kyle and Mom to hire her, I swear to fucking God, I’ll never set foot in that office as long as she’s there!”
He looks taken aback. “But Len, why? She’s one of your best friends, I don’t understand.”
I should walk away.
There’s no point in opening my heart to him now. The fact that he asked me out “as a test” should be enough to tell me that this is a lost cause. But somewhere in a corner of my heart there’s the unreasonable hope that if I tell him how I feel, without holding back, he’ll see me the way I want him to.
My heart is beating faster than if I’d been running back here all the way from France when I speak next. “No, I think you do understand, D. All this,” I say gesturing toward my new clothes. “I did it for you. I came back because I wanted you to notice me, Darrius. Last year on the beach it took me some liquid courage to make a move, but I love you. I’ve always loved you, since I can remember. There’s never been anyone else for me, D. I changed my clothes and my hair because you said that you didn’t like the girl next-door types. I did all this for you. I love you with all my heart, don’t you see?”
He sighs. “I know, Len.”
I’m afraid to ask, but there’s no going back at this point. All my cards are on the table. “You do?”
He hesitates for a moment but then he admits it. “Yeah I’ve always known, Len.”
I hate the burning feeling of tears that threatens to overwhelm me when I hear his explanation.
“I care about you, Len. I love you but not that way. I’ve thought about it many times but I’m seriously not attracted to you.”
I should go, I really should. But at this point, I guess the wound is there, gaping and bleeding and I might as well hear why he doesn’t feel the same way.
“Am I that ugly?” I ask, as the first traitorous tear slides down my cheek in a burning track.
His eyes meet mine, so dark under the moonlight and the beach’s eco-lights that they look almost black. “You aren’t ugly. And this new makeover you got? You’re a fucking knock-out. But you aren’t what I want, Len. You’re sweet, you’re safe. You don’t make my dick hard. You’re too inexperienced and innocent to be attractive.”
I laugh through my tears and it’s a bitter sound. “I’m inexperienced because I’ve been waiting for you to notice me, D. I’ve never even noticed other guys because I’ve only ever just wanted you.”
He shrugs. “I know. I’m sorry but I like girls like Lisa or Kiara, who know what to do in bed. The thrill of chasing them and keeping them interested when they could have anyone else makes me so hard. I’ve never been into the Snow White types, Lenley. I’d get bored with you and I’d break your heart. Trust me, we’re better off as friends.”
I lose my battle with the tears and I hate that I’m crying in front of him.
“I’m such an idiot,” I murmur, tasting the bitterness of my own tears. “I knew you liked the popular girls. I’ve seen you go after them for years. Every time I told myself that I should forget about you being more than a friend, I convinced myself that there was hope. I tried to read more into the stuff you said to me at night. I told myself that if I waited for you, you’d finally see me.”
Darrius sounds sad, but I think he’s being totally honest with me for the first time. “No, you didn’t read more. I knew how you felt about me, Len; it was so easy to see. I guess a part of me liked the idea that if I grew tired of ‘my type of girl,’ you’d be there. I didn’t realize how wrong it was until Kiara told me that I was hurting you and keeping you from moving on.”
Kiara’s words on my last birthday sound in my ears as clear as day. “He’s breadcrumbing you, Len.”
My chest hurts so much that I think my heart might be physically breaking.
“I’m sorry, Len. I love you but not the way you want me to.”
There’s nothing else to say, so I walk away. “No!” I say when I realize that he’s following me. “Stay away from me, Darrius. I need time to come to terms with this. Alone.”
He nods and walks back toward the house where the party is still in full swing.
I wait until he’s out of sight before crumbling down on the cold sand and letting my tears get the best of me. I should’ve never come back from France.
***