Shit.
“Good night, Olivia,” I say to her, putting an end to a conversation that I never should have started. Fucking and revenge—this is all we can ever have. The moment I open it up to more, I open myself up to be hurt by her again.
“Night.”
I turn off the lamp and settle back under the covers, so acutely aware of the gorgeous woman next to me. This woman who caused me the greatest turmoil that I had ever experienced. This woman who was the epicenter of my anger for the last eight years.
This woman who I set out to destroy.
“Davis,” she says softly into the darkness.
“Yeah.”
“Do you hate me?”
I don’t answer at first. My brain won’t let me. It oscillates from side to side, floating between yes and no. A week ago, hell—an hour ago—I would have said yes. But lying here with her, talking to her about work like we did back in Amsterdam, has me doubting my certainty.
If I had an honesty clause, I would have been forced to say no to her. But because I don’t, I let out a gradual exhale before I say, “In order to hate you I would have to feel something for you. But you’re just another business deal for me. Just another transaction. I learned a long time ago that business isn’t a place for feelings.”
She doesn’t answer me. I wait, but she lets the silence linger and persist until it becomes the status quo for the evening. I turn in her direction, but her face is obscured in the dark.
Eventually she takes a heavy breath—one that wavers as she exhales slowly. When I hear that, I know that I’ve hurt her. I’ve done so deeply and profoundly.
It’s the first part of my plan to succeed, and I didn’t expect to feel like such a shit.
With a sigh, I shake my head and wish I weren’t so soft—but I am. At my core, I am. “If I hold you, you won’t think too much of it, right?” I ask her. “You won’t try to figure out if I’m messing with you or if I actually just want to hold you. You’ll just let me do it?”
“Okay.”
Okay.
I slide over to her side of the bed and turn onto my side before I bring her into my arms. We’ve done this before; I’ve held her like this before. Like the last time, her head shifts into the cradle where my neck meets my collarbone, and we stay in that position even as my eyelids begin to grow heavy.
This was not the plan.