“This is not the gown I chose, Mama,” Carolyn said pointedly, aware of the knowing look in her mother’s eyes and fighting to push down her anger. “You knew very well that the one I chose was a brighter color and certainly a little more fitting.”
Lady Hamilton shook her head, tutting loudly. “You have no understanding of your coloring,” she said, firmly. “This may be your third Season, but you are not permitted yet to wear brighter nor bolder colors. The pale pastels are what you ought to clad yourself in Carolyn, and I will not permit you to do otherwise.”
Carolyn gritted her teeth hard, looking away from her mother so that she would not say something that would upset her. The paleness of the gown did nothing for Carolyn’s complexion. She had fair hair and very pale blue eyes, cheeks that did not pull any sort of color into them and dark red lips that stood out from the rest of her features. To wear a gown of pale cream or even white made her appear all the more unusual in her features. If she had a touch of color—like the damson cultured gown she had chosen at the first—then things appeared to be a little more balanced. With her long nose and her light, wispy hair, broad shoulders and overly tall stature, Carolyn knew that she would never be a diamond of the first water and in her first two Seasons had never once commanded a gentleman’s attention, but to be forced into the same dull cultured gowns as she had endured the previous two Seasons only made things all the worse. On top of which, she had spent the last two Seasons being reprimanded by her mother on any occasion she chose to speak her mind or to behave in a manner supposedly unsuited to a young lady of good breeding! She had been forbidden to speak of the most recent fossil discovery, for example, which she found entirely inexplicable given that it was one of the most interesting discoveries of the last year.
“I will not wear it,” she said stoutly, seeing the feigned smile fade from her mother’s face, to be replaced by a very dark look. “It is not the one I chose and you know very well that you promised me that I would be permitted to make my own choices in certain matters this year.” This was not entirely the truth, for Lady Hamilton had only muttered something about Carolyn being able to make some decision for herself, having been worn out by Carolyn’s constant arguing over seemingly every little thing when it came to the London Season.
“And I was very specific about the gown that I settled on,” Carolyn continued, waving a hand towards her maid, instructing her silently to begin to remove the gown from Carolyn’s form. “You must send it back, Mama.”
Lady Hamilton drew herself up to her full height—which, given that she was some inches smaller than her daughter, did not make her appear in any way intimidating.
“You will leave that gown where it is!” she exclaimed, thrusting one long finger out towards the maid, who immediately dropped her hands and scurried back, clearly terrified of Lady Hamilton’s wrath. “Carolyn, you will cease this foolishness at once. I said, quite clearly, that I know what is best for you, and I –”
Carolyn held up one hand, palm outwards, fingertips pointing to the ceiling. It was very rude of her, of course, but she was angry and upset.
“Mama,” she interrupted, her voice filling the room. “I cannot wear this gown.” Seeing how her mother’s face filled with anger, flushing a little red, Carolyn did her best to restrain herself, wondering if reasoning with her mother would make any difference whatsoever. “You and I have been here in London twice before, thanks to my brother’s generosity.” Referring to her older brother, Viscount Hamilton, who had been very generous in his willingness to allow her to continue to come to London despite the fact that he himself was already wed and settled and did not need to care a great deal for her, Carolyn continued to speak. “But we have had no success.” There was a catch in her voice now, a tremor that made Carolyn flush as she tried to hide from her mother just how deeply such a thing had cut into her heart. “No gentleman has ever called on me,” she continued, despite the pain that rammed into her soul. “Indeed, whilst I have danced and conversed and been introduced to a good many gentlemen, not one has sought to consider my acquaintance further.”
“But that is because –”
“No, Mama.” Carolyn, feeling her anger draining away, leaving her only with a sense of sorrow and disappointment, took a step closer to Lady Hamilton, seeing her mother’s expression change. “The only reason is because I am not a diamond of the first water. I am not beautiful, despite your attempts to pull something lovely from this drab form.” She shrugged, pretending that it did not matter. “My coloring is pale, my hair unwilling to remain in its pins. I am much too tall, much too broad and much too unsuitable, I am sure. Father, God rest him, left me a good dowry, of which I am grateful for, but if you continue to parade me in these colors which have done nothing to encourage gentlemen towards me, then I am sure that they will not work this Season either.” She swallowed the ache in her throat, trying her best to find a way to explain all that she needed to. “Mama, I have been forced to pretend that I have no interest in anything other than dancing and in taking tea,” she finished, aware that her mother began to frown at the mere mention that Carolyn might enjoy something other than such genteel things. “I have attended the theatre often but found no enjoyment there. I have been to soirees, dances and all manner of occasions, but there has been very few to talk to, very few to speak with about anything other than insipid and dull remarks that do not spark my interest. I have hated the presence that I must put on, as though I care nothing for politics, nothing for the current advancements in science. I have even been told that I must not mention my love of riding, even though it is quite a genteel and entirely proper pursuit!”
“It is not when it comes to how you ride,” Lady Hamilton muttered, although she now looked quite defeated, unable to tame her unruly daughter.
“Is there not an opportunity now for me to live as I choose?” Carolyn pressed, as her mother sank into a chair. “Might I not now have the opportunity to present myself as I truly am to society?” She glanced down at the pale cream gown, shuddering at the sight of it. “Which would begin with wearing a color that I believe suits me better than this!”
Lady Hamilton sighed heavily, passing one hand over her eyes before looking wearily up at her daughter. Carolyn held her breath, waiting for her mother’s judgment to fall.
“You will bring shame to this family, if you do so.”
Carolyn bristled, her cheeks flaming. “I will not,” she said, firmly, glaring at her mother. “I will be entirely myself but I will not scream my opinions nor my thoughts from the rooftops, if that is what you fear. I will share such things very discreetly and with great consideration.” Lifting her chin, she arched one eyebrow. “I would hope that, after two Seasons, Mama, you would have a little more faith in me. I know full well how society works. I am more than aware of the rumor mill and the like. Have no doubt; I will not intentionally bring any sort of shame to either you or to my brother and his wife. But mayhap, Mama, in permitting me this, you might be opening up the hope of a future happiness for me, with a gentleman who understands me entirely and does not think me to be someone I am not. The presence I have worn these last two Seasons, I cannot wear any longer. Please understand.”
Lady Hamilton closed her eyes, her lips thin and expression tight. For a long moment, Carolyn feared that she would refuse, that they would go into this third Season as they had done the previous two—fighting for control, with Carolyn being forced, repeatedly, to do as her mother wished or be unable to attend anything at all.
But then, her mother sighed, opened her eyes and nodded.
“Very well,” she said, in such a thin, low voice that Carolyn feared she had not heard her mother correctly. Looking up and seeing Carolyn staring at her, Lady Hamilton sighed and spread her hands. “Very well,” she said, shaking her head and making her disapproval known—despite the words coming from her mouth. “You may do as you wish and I can only pray that you will be successful….if for no other reason than to have the burden of you removed from my shoulders and placed onto someone else!”
Those words stung and took away the sense of triumph that had filled Carolyn at the first. She said nothing but looked away from her mother, not wanting to show any sort of emotion for fear that her mother might only add to her already sharp words.
“You may return that gown and I shall tell the dressmaker to send the one you requested in its place,” Lady Hamilton finished, heavily. “No doubt you will wish to wear it this evening?”
Carolyn lifted her chin, turning her gaze back to her mother in as serene a fashion as she could. “I would like to, yes, if it arrives in time.”
Lady Hamilton said nothing, glancing towards the maid, who stood in the corner of the room, and managing to capture her attention with seemingly only a look. The maid was back by Carolyn’s side in a moment, the gown being removed from her shoulders almost at once.
“Then I will see to it at once,” Lady Hamilton murmured, with a distinct sniff that spoke of her disapproval and frustration. “For I can hardly wait to see what sort of spectacle of yourself you shall make this evening.” And with that, she swept from the room, leaving Carolyn feeling nothing more than entirely disheartened and utterly humiliated.
“I must hope that you have a space on your dance card, Miss Hemmingway.”
“You are very kind,” Carolyn murmured, lifting her dance card and handing it to the gentleman, whilst feeling her mother’s hand tense on her arm. The gentleman before her was none other than Lord Voxley, who was well known for his rakish ways, but Carolyn felt nothing other than triumph at his attentions towards her, for the gentleman had sought an introduction only a few moments before and had been granted one by her brother who clearly saw nothing disadvantageous in the acquaintance.
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“I hope you will honor me with two dances, Miss Hemmingway,” Lord Voxley continued, writing down his name on first one space and then the other, without waiting to see if she would grant him such a thing. “Truly, I am astonished that your brother has not seen fit to make an introduction until this present moment!”
“And she has had two Seasons already,” Lady Hamilton interrupted, her tone waspish as she looked at Lord Voxley with ice in her eyes. “This will be her third!”
Carolyn felt heat rise up into her cheeks as she shot a long look at her mother, seeing how Lady Hamilton was gazing steadily at Lord Voxley, clearly attempting to make a point that did not require being made. Her mother was trying to state that there was a very good reason that Carolyn had not been introduced to Lord Voxley before now—mostly that she had been very easy to ignore—and in stating that Carolyn was now on her third Season was practically suggesting that Carolyn was nearing spinsterhood!