‘All right.’
‘I’d like you to talk me through Josh’s routine,’ he said, carrying his son out of the nursery, which was far too small and claustrophobic with Georgie in it too, down the stairs and into the sitting room.
‘To be honest, he doesn’t really have one.’
‘Do you want him to?’
‘More than anything. What do you think?’
‘I’m as big a fan of structure as you are.’
‘Be still my beating heart.’
And, as his gave a great thud in response to the smile she flashed at him, Finn set Josh gently on the mat on the floor and thought that the least said about that particular organ, beating, thudding, lurching or doing anything else for that matter, the better.
* * *
The following morning, Georgie stepped through the front door of the apartment and dropped her bag on the console table. The therapy session she’d just had had been a mixed bag, as indeed had the last twenty-four hours.
On the one hand, as she’d told the therapist, she was now glad Finn had made her tell him some of what had happened to her. If she did inevitably have the odd day when things got a bit much, and her anxieties descended, it would come as no surprise to anyone, which in turn would ease some of the stress of it.
Furthermore, she’d discovered that a problem shared was literally a problem halved. Not that Josh was a problem, of course, but undoubtedly, on a practical level at least, parenting with Finn was a whole lot easier than doing it on her own. She hadn’t realised how much she’d relied on the support of other people when she and Josh had been in hospital or how stressful she’d found having to be constantly on the alert without it.
And, although it was early days and she couldn’t be certain the novelty might not wear off, Finn certainly seemed to be reliable. Last night he’d told her he’d take the night shift, since a grizzly Josh had a tooth coming through, and this morning at dawn she’d gone through to the nursery to find him sprawled in a chair with their son, arms out, draped across his chest, both fast asleep. One big hand had lain splayed on Josh’s back, protective, warm and secure, and the sight had melted her heart.
However, warring with the feelings of relief, gratitude and warmth were the resentment and jealousy that she’d experienced over breakfast yesterday and which hadn’t entirely ebbed. To her shame, despite Finn’s generosity and support, she’d been relieved to see his initial uncertainty and clumsiness when left on his own to deal with the messier side of parenting. Not that it had lasted for long. His natural competence had soon risen to the challenge, and watching him interact with Josh subsequently, his ease and instant adoration highlighting her own failings, was like a twist of the knife in her chest, every single time.
Such as now, she thought, coming to an abrupt halt in the doorway to the sitting room, her breath catching in her throat. Finn and Josh were lying on their fronts on the floor, nose to nose. Josh was grabbing at Finn’s mouth, giggling and squealing while Finn, resting his chin on his hands, was patiently letting him, simply staring back at him in awe.
She ought to be glad that he’d taken to fatherhood so well, she knew, taking in the scene and feeling an ache throb deep within her. She ought to be relieved that he seemed to be taking his responsibilities so seriously. She shouldn’t be jealous of a connection that was instant and deep. She shouldn’t feel bitter about the fact that it was a connection she’d been denied. She should be glad that Finn looked to be taking an approach to parenthood that was so different to her own experience.
She was all that, and she wished she could shake off the negativity and focus on the positives, but she couldn’t and she lived in fear that at any moment the ugly emotions swirling around inside her would rise up and make her say or do something she might regret.
‘How did it go?’ he asked, glancing up at her, his eyebrows raised.
‘All good.’
‘Come and join us.’
She gathered her hair up and gave it a quick twist, then with a small smile shook her head. ‘Maybe later.’
CHAPTER FIVE
THE ARRIVAL OF the nanny went some way to easing the volatility of Georgie’s emotions. Mrs Gardiner was a sensible woman of sixty with decades of experience and spot-on instincts, whom Josh adored. Discreet, non-interfering and non-judgemental, she knew exactly when to step in with a subtle suggestion and when to back off and leave Georgie to it.
As the days passed and they settled into a rhythm, Georgie’s strength and well-being improved. Her belief in herself and her confidence grew, and gradually her insecurities and doubts lessened. The more she saw how Finn’s continuing interest and involvement benefited their son, the less she saw him as a threat, and her resentment and jealousy started to fade.
Unfortunately, with this progress came a growing awareness of Finn not just as a father but as a man, a man with whom she’d once burned up the sheets. The excruciating moment she’d barged into his bedroom was becoming harder to forget. The dreams she’d had immediately afterwards were getting worse and more lurid in their detail, and now, alarmingly, during the day too the image of him standing there in just a towel, wet and semi-naked, kept popping into her head, sending her temperature soaring and stealing her breath.
That he was gorgeous went witho
ut saying, and it was true that she’d developed something of an obsession with his strong and capable hands that had once been so hot and skilful on her body but were now so infinitely careful and gentle when handling Josh. But it was more than his many physical attractions that tugged at something deep inside her. It was his endless patience, the wholehearted attention he paid Josh and his rock-solid dependability. His self-confidence and reassuring air of authority. For a girl who’d had none of that growing up, these traits of his were incredibly appealing.
As a whole, Finn was heady stuff and she found it all very confusing. She’d become increasingly tongue-tied around him and went bright red whenever she did manage to hold any sort of conversation with him, and it was a mortifying state of affairs because she’d never been the bashful sort.
It was therefore a good thing that in the evenings, once Josh had gone to sleep, Finn disappeared to catch up on work. At least she was spared agonising small talk over supper while trying to sort out how she felt about everything and trying not to remember the things they’d once done together, even if they probably did need to get to know one another better on a level other than the carnal.
However, things would settle down soon enough, she reminded herself for the hundredth time as she navigated the pushchair into the café where she’d arranged to meet Carla for an impromptu weekday lunch a week later. It was a period of adjustment, that was all.