The longer he spent with Josh, the greater the connection that built and the deeper the fascination that grew, the more he regretted the fact that the two had never had the chance to meet. Would his father’s illness have been easier for them both to handle if they’d known about Josh? Would it have brought happiness? Would it have bought them both more time? It was a regret that was irrational and made no sense. His so-called father deserved no sympathy and no forgiveness. Yet that didn’t stop the insidious wistfulness creeping into his head and taking root.
Frustratingly, no amount of exercise seemed to clear his head or calm his body, and Georgie’s unexplained absence this afternoon was making things worse. Although he could work out from the fact that nothing seemed to have been taken that she probably hadn’t gone for good, as she got even better there’d be less keeping her here, and that was a concern.
He wasn’t losing Josh, he thought with a touch of grim desperation as he stalked into the kitchen to make himself some coffee. Not now. Not ever. He was loving the time they were spending together getting to know each o
ther. He found him utterly intriguing and was continually staggered by the depth of the bond he shared with this tiny person, for whom he would willingly die.
Yet how could he stop Georgie from walking out and taking Josh with her? With what she’d been through he had some leverage but using it did not appeal. The legal route would take months. Realistically, there was nothing he could do.
Unless...
He froze suddenly, his pulse racing and his head spinning.
There was one way. A bit dramatic possibly, but, without doubt, binding.
Commitment had never held any interest for him before. He’d witnessed Jim’s grief when Alice had died, all the more potent for his restraint, as well as the lingering sadness that had tinged his life for the remaining twenty years he’d had of it. Finn had no desire to experience any of that for himself, regardless of the examples of happiness set by the one or two of his friends who had married. To date he’d never met anyone who’d threatened the status quo and right now, with the frustration and confusion he felt over his identity, he was not in any position to enter into a relationship with anyone.
Apart from his son.
During the two months following Jim’s death, he’d found himself dwelling increasingly on the idea of love and what it meant, and finding it tainted because surely lying and betrayal formed no part of it. But Josh had made him reconsider. The strength of his feelings for this tiny person, his tiny person, blew him away. He was not losing him and he was not having Josh growing up not knowing him. So if hitching himself to Georgie was the price he had to pay to secure Josh then that was what he’d do and to hell with the X-rated dreams it might give him and the additional discomfort it would no doubt cause her.
His swift but absolutely right decision had nothing whatsoever to do with a subconscious desire to create the family that deep down he might possibly crave. Or the fact that he’d got used to having them around and couldn’t stomach the thought of the silence and emptiness their absence would bring. And of course he wasn’t worried about abandonment and rejection and being left all alone again. What he’d come up with was a purely practical solution to an unthinkable possibility and a means to eliminating a very great risk, and he’d implement it just as soon as she turned up.
Which, finally, he thought darkly as he heard the sound of the front door opening and closing and abandoned the coffee to stride towards it, was now.
‘Where have you been?’ he said curtly, relief, a shot of unwanted desire and something else undefinable making him sound short.
Having parked the pushchair just inside the door, Georgie glanced up at him, her eyebrows raised no doubt in response to his tone. ‘Out,’ she said, turning her attention to Josh, unbuckling him and lifting him free.
‘Where?’
‘We had lunch with Carla.’
‘I called.’
‘My phone ran out of battery.’
‘It’s late.’
‘We were chatting. I lost track of time.’
‘You should have left a note.’
As she fitted Josh to her hip, she turned to him, her eyes narrowing minutely and her chin jutting up. ‘Are you implying I’m somehow accountable to you, Finn?’
No. Yes. Dammit. ‘No.’
‘So why are you so cross?’
‘You weren’t here when I got home. That’s never happened before. I was worried.’
She froze, tension suddenly pouring off her as the colour bled from her face. ‘Josh is fine,’ she said, her voice tight. ‘Truly. Look.’
What? No. She couldn’t believe that he’d think she’d hurt him, could she? Hell, just how bad had things got? ‘That wasn’t what I meant at all.’
‘Really?’
‘No,’ he said with a decisive shake of his head.