‘You already are the man I want you to be,’ she said fiercely. ‘Everything I told Daniel was true. But you are also a coward.’
His eyebrows shot up at that, a chink in the icy facade at last. ‘What?’
‘You heard,’ she said, burning up with frustration and hurt. ‘You’re a coward. History doesn’t have to repeat itself. There are choices you can make. There are choices you’ve already made. You are not just your father’s son. You’re also your mother’s. And when it comes to our child, you’re only half the equation. I have never felt in danger with you, Theo, even when I pushed you and pushed you and you hated it. In fact, I’ve never felt safer or better protected.’
She stopped, breathing hard, but he didn’t say anything. His fingers flexed on the steering wheel, his knuckles white and his face tight, but his simmering anger was nothing compared to hers.
‘I think you’re scared,’ she said hotly. ‘I think you’re scared of rejection and abandonment and that’s why you’re not prepared to take a risk on us. And you know what? I get it. I’m scared, too. This pregnancy terrifies me. Everyone I love has a habit of leaving me one way or another. My brother, my father, even my sister. Right now, I miss my mother more than I ever thought possible and it hurts so very much. And then there’s the guilt. My God, the guilt. Every time I see Milly, the fact that she will never get the chance to fall in love, have a family, crucifies me.’ She shook her head. ‘So I don’t have a clue what I’m going to do and I’m petrified my anxieties will take over, but I no longer have the luxury of wallowing in my hang-ups. Of being selfish. I have a child to think about. You could, too. And you could have me. Because Daniel was right. We do make a good team. We could make a great one. We could be a family. The one that I want and the one that I know, deep down, you want. And don’t you dare give me that “I’m better off alone” rubbish. No one is. Everyone needs someone.’
‘I don’t.’
‘You do. Don’t you want to be happy?’ she asked, hearing the faint desperation in her voice but not caring. ‘Don’t you want to let go of the past and look to the future?’
Silence fell and stretched and for the briefest of moments she thought she’d got through to him and hope leapt, but when he spoke it was with an icy calm that splintered her heart and shattered her dreams. ‘Why is it so hard to understand, Kate?’ he said coldly. ‘I don’t need happiness and I don’t want you.’
‘But—’
‘What I do want, however, is for you to get out of my car. Now.’
* * *
Shaking all over and in agony, Kate closed the door to her flat behind her and sank to the floor, her heart shattering as the sobs she’d held at bay while scrabbling to get out of Theo’s car now racked her body.
His brutal rejection of everything she’d offered him was crucifying. Not only had she laid the possibility of a happy future, a happy life on a platter for him, she’d revealed her fears and handed him her heart. And he’d trampled all over it.
Tears streamed down her face and she curled up on the floor, exhaustion and despair descending like a heavy black cloud. She’d given it her best shot and she’d failed. If only she hadn’t barged in there with her declaration of love. If only she’d stuck with the plan to keep it to herself for a while. If only she hadn’t fallen in love with him in the first place.
She’d been such an idiot. She’d recognised the risk to her heart he presented and she’d blithely assumed she’d be able to handle it. Why she’d ever thought that when she had zero experience in such matters and the physical and emotional attraction she felt for him was so strong she had no idea. But it was too late for regret because now here she was at the bottom of that slippery slope, and it was just as wretched and miserable as she’d imagined.
Why couldn’t he have been willing to give them a chance? Why couldn’t he have let her help him? Love him? She had so much to give. What if he just needed time? What if she gave him some space and then tried again?
But no, she told herself with a watery sniff as she angrily brushed away the tears that continued to leak out of the corners of her eyes. She’d be banging her head against a brick wall. She had to stop hoping and imagining and wishing. Theo wasn’t going to suddenly and miraculously wake up one morning realising he was in love with her and deciding he did want them. He was too damaged. Too entrenched in his beliefs. He was determined to remain alone, an island barricaded from the soaring highs and wretched lows of life.
And however much that hurt, and, oh, how it did, she had to accept it, get up and move on.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
IN THE DAYS that followed their return to London, Theo was convinced he’d done
one hundred per cent the right thing by letting Kate go. He would not tarnish her with his darkness. His actions—and his inaction—brought about the destruction of other people and he would not destroy her, too. Or their child. He didn’t deserve happiness and he had no right to take what she had offered. Despite what she believed, he wasn’t, and could never be, the man she wanted him to be. And when he thought of the way she’d gone on the attack, which was all the damn time since he couldn’t seem to get it out of his head, he was absolutely certain that there was nothing he would have done differently.
He knew he was no coward. She had no idea how much strength and courage it took to stand alone and apart and not seize what deep down he’d always tried to deny he craved. And he was not wallowing or selfish, despite what she might have implied. His concerns were current and real.
So as he’d watched her stumble up the steps to her building he’d told himself that she and her baby would be fine now. He’d driven home and poured himself one drink and then another and then another. The next day he’d gone into the office and thrown himself into work. The deal had been signed. The details were being hammered out. Everything was proceeding smoothly.
But now, two hellish weeks later, he found himself wondering, where was the peace? Where was the sense of achievement? Why was he still so frustratingly restless? And why couldn’t he stop pacing?
The sense of impending doom he’d assumed would vanish once he’d dealt with Kate hadn’t. Instead, it was larger and darker and more oppressive than ever. And as for order and control that he’d expected to return, he currently felt as if he were hanging on a cliff face by his fingertips. He was popping painkillers like candy and he was snapping at anyone who had the misfortune to cross his path.
What was the matter with him? Why couldn’t he concentrate? Why couldn’t he eat or sleep? And why hadn’t he returned the ring to the jewellers? Kate had returned it to him by courier the day after they’d arrived back. The sight of it had cleaved him in two, but he’d kept it on his desk where it sparkled away at him all sodding day and he had no idea why.
Nor could he work out why he hadn’t announced that he and Kate had decided to go their separate ways. The deal was sealed. The contract could not now be broken. A quick press release to announce that their engagement was off would be the easiest thing to do. So why did it feel like the hardest? Why was he still putting it off?
It was all as confusing as hell, but not nearly as confusing as the doubts that had started bothering him a couple of days ago and were now sprouting up all over the place. What if she was right and he was wrong? was the main one, the one that tortured his every waking moment. The minute he crushed it in one place, up it popped somewhere else, churning up his insides and driving him demented.
It couldn’t go on.
He couldn’t go on.