“You don’t think I belong though.” It isn’t a question.
“Violet—”
I cut him off and talk over him. “I’ve killed before.” With that, he goes utterly silent. No joke to be found. Not even “baby.” Just “Violet.” Why does that bother me?
“You think I don’t have it in me to go all the way. That while I might have the skills, I just don’t have that final push to do what needs to be done. But what you don’t know is I had that moment long ago. You think I’m too young now. I can’t imagine what you would have thought seven years ago.” I hear a mumbled “Jesus.”
“That day changed me, and you know what? It wasn’t taking a life that did it. In fact, I’ve never had a moment of regret about that, and I’m not sure what that says about me. But what I am sure of is that I don’t care what it says about me.”
“What changed you about that day? Tell me, baby.” The last word gets me. How does the simple word make me feel all soft? Even a little bit precious. I wonder if he calls everyone that. I’m going to have to listen to see if I catch it.
“It was a cop.”
I get another mumble at that. “You lost trust.”
I just nod, knowing he can’t see me.
“Even in yourself,” he finishes, hitting the nail on the head.
I did. So I made sure that couldn’t happen again. That I wouldn’t trust myself. Keep them at arm’s length. It was for the best, but now I’m starting to wonder the cost of that. I’d only built this security to protect myself, but was I even really living? What cost was I paying for it?
The silence stretches once again.
“We’re calling it.”
“What?!” I wonder if I told him too much and now he really doesn’t think I should be here.
“Calm down. I got word Cobra is in town until nightfall. We’ll get him tomorrow when he shows up.”
Fuck. I wanted this to be done with. I expected to be heading back home soon. Not only that, I wanted everyone to know I’d come out and done what needed to be done. I wanted to be one step closer to being a full member of the Ghost Riders.
I roll to my side, easing my gun from my shoulder where it had been propped.
“Leave it,” Knox says, probably knowing I was going to dismantle it. I grab the camouflage netting and throw it over the gun, then take the bullets with me.
Making my way back down to camp, I have no idea what I’m going to say when I get there. There’s probably going to be some weird awkwardness. This isn’t like me. I don’t fuck with things I want, and I’m playing a very dangerous game with Knox, because I’m falling for him. And like all things in life, I never do them half-assed. I have a feeling if I fall for him it will be hard. So hard I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get up, let alone be able to see him every day after it all goes up in flames.
9
Knox
I walk towards her slowly, each step calculated as I see her coming towards me down the bend. Violet puts on a show of acting tough all the time, but deep down she’s soft, and I just got a taste of that. She let me see a little more of her today. I don’t think she’s shown anyone that in a very long time, and I fucking love that I got it out of her, that I’m breaking down those walls.
She’s got her own weak points just like I do, and she’s managed to hit every target on me. But with her, those walls go up so hard and fast that when they’re down, I have to be careful. I have to make sure she knows my intentions and that I’m not going to do anything to hurt her. After what she just told me, I want to show her she can trust me. That I’d never betray her in any way. I could never hurt someone I love.
The thought makes me falter, but I don’t let it show. I don’t know why the thought comes as a shock because it’s all I’ve been doing with Violet since day one. Falling in love. She’s been in my every thought from the moment I first saw her. I haven’t wanted to say it out loud, because there’s a cost that goes with that. Admitting you care for someone so deeply that it turns to love is frightening. Violet has the ability to reject it and break my heart into a thousand unmendable pieces. Giving her that power scares the shit out of me, but isn’t this what it’s all about? Being willing to give your heart to someone else and hope that they don’t hurt you? I want her to trust me, so I have to be willing to do the same. I’m willing to take the risk of her breaking me because I know that never trying would be ten times worse.