‘He’s in Amsterdam,’ Theo says after a moment.
The certainty that I’ve been a pretty average brother to Holden makes me cringe inwardly. ‘He’s okay?’
‘I imagine he’ll survive,’ Theo drawls. ‘He’s gone into some kind of existentialist crisis about not being a true Hart.’
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake. Who gives a shit about blood? He’s our brother.’
‘Have you told him that?’ Theo’s eyes are intent when they lock to mine. Guilt rumbles through me.
‘No.’
‘You should. He’s spent almost three decades believing we’re his brothers and Dad was his dad and now he’s grappling with this bombshell. His mother’s dead, he has no idea who his biological father is and the two guys he thinks of as brothers aren’t even related.’
‘Bullshit. We’ll always be his brothers.’
‘I know that and you know that but he’s having difficulty accepting it. He’s brooding all over Keizersgracht, frankly wishing he hadn’t been born.’
Silence descends, a silence of worry and sorrow. Our father made many decisions in his life that seem beyond comprehension. He was selfish and self-serving, so choosing to raise another man’s son as his own makes very little sense.
I let out a breath. A breath of discontentment. Holden, Grace—it’s all one knot in my gut and I can’t see a way through any of it. Snow continues to fall, faster now, flurries dancing beyond this office, glimpsed through the enormous windows beyond.
‘Anyway, why don’t you show it to me?’
I turn around, having zero clue what Theo’s talking about.
‘The golf course.’ His head is dipped, his eyes focused on the picture once more.
My body jerks with something like adrenalin and excitement. The very idea of going back, going to Australia, is like catnip. Because Grace is there. I could see Grace. Hell, she’s the realtor selling the damned place. It wouldn’t even matter if she didn’t want to see me! I could make her come up and show Theo around and then, when we were alone...
What, asshole?
Get her to put aside the fact she gave you her heart and you ripped it into tiny pieces? Ask her to forget the fact she’s in love with you, just because you want one more roll in the hay?
‘I thought you were working on the Santiago deal?’
‘Waiting on a building inspector’s report.’ He waves a hand through the air nonchalantly. The South American project is huge; Theo’s been working on it for three years and he’s almost got it over the line. ‘It’s going to be a week or so before I can do anything there.’
I don’t have to let her know. We could fly in, have a look around and fly out. She never needs to know.
My dick jerks angrily in my pants and my stomach rolls with nausea and disgust. Is this what it’s come to? Hiding out from a woman I really like just because she had the audacity to fall in love with me?
It’s for her own good, though. All of this is for her own good.
‘Okay.’ The word’s reluctant, but I nod. ‘Just for a few days.’
‘Sure, just for a few days.’ He mock salutes. ‘You’re the boss, Zeus.’
* * *
I’ve seen him behind my eyelids every night, every blink. I’ve seen him in my memories, my mind’s eye. He’s imprinted in my field of vision somehow.
I’ve seen phantoms of him, memories of him, and yet, staring at the picture of him now, my whole body seems to lurch a little sideways.
I glance up, checking where we are. Only a couple of blocks away from my meeting. I swallow, my gaze dropping to the phone again.
I follow the official Instagram account for Silver Dunes. Obviously. I mean, it just makes sense. When I’m selling a project I get completely absorbed by it—the operations, the marketing—everything. I need to know all the details of the place in order to be able to represent my vendors.
Scrolling through my feed without paying much attention to anything, I scroll past the picture initially. I’ve seen phantoms of him a thousand times in the thirty-one days since he left.