Changes (The Dresden Files 12)

Chapter 31

I stared at the broken man. It was easy enough to envision my own mutilated face, looking blindly up from the table's surface. I took one step toward the table. Then two. Then I was standing over Lloyd Slate's broken form.

If it was a fight, I wouldn't think twice. But this man was no threat to me. He was no threat to anyone anymore. I had no right to take his life, and it was pure, overwhelming, nihilistic arrogance to say otherwise. If I killed Slate, how long would it take for my turn to come? I could be looking at myself, months or years from now.

I couldn't, any more than I could cut my own throat.

I felt my hand drop back to my side, the knife too heavy to hold before me.

Mab suddenly stood at the opposite end of the Stone Table, facing me. Her right hand moved in a simple outward motion, and the mists over the Table suddenly thickened and swirled with color and light. For a few seconds, the image was hazy. Then it snapped into focus.

A little girl crouched in the corner of a bare stone room. There was hay scattered around, and a wool blanket that looked none too clean. She had dark hair that had been up in pigtails, but wasn't anymore. One of the little pink plastic clips had evidently been lost or stolen, and now she had only one pigtail. Her face was red from crying. She'd evidently been wiping her nose on the knees of her little pink overalls. Her shirt, white with yellow flowers and a big cartoon bumblebee on it, showed stains of dirt and worse. She crouched in the tiniest ball she could make of her body, as if hoping that if something should come for her, she might be overlooked.

Her big brown eyes were quietly terrified - and I could see something familiar in them. It took me a moment to realize they reminded me of my reflection in a mirror. Other features showed themselves to me, muted shapes that maturity would bring forth eventually. The same chin and jawline Thomas and I shared. The same mouth as her mother's. Susan's straight, shining black hair. Her hands and her feet looked a little too large for her, like a puppy's paws.

Dimly, as if from a great distance, I heard the cry of a Red Court vampire in its true form, and she flinched and started crying again, her entire body trembling in terror.

Maggie.

I remembered when Bianca and her minions had kept me prisoner.

I remembered the things they had done to me.

But it didn't look like they had harmed my child - yet.

"Yes," said Mab's cold voice, empty of emotion. The image began to slowly fade away. "It is a true seeing of your child, as she is even now. I give you my word. No tricks. No deceptions. This is."

I looked through the translucent image to where Mab and my godmother waited. Lea's face was somber. Mab's eyes were narrowed to glowing green slits within her hooded cloak.

I faced them both for a moment. The cold wind gusted over the hilltop and stirred the cloaks of the two Sidhe. I stared at them, at ancient eyes full of the knowledge of dark and wicked things. I knew that neither the child in the image nor the man on the table meant anything to them. I knew that if I went forward with Mab's bargain, I would probably end up on the table myself.

Of course, that was why Mab had shown me Maggie: to manipulate me.

No. There was a distinction in what she had done. She had shown me Maggie to make perfectly clear exactly what choice I was about to make. Certainly, it might influence my decision, but when a stark naked truth stares you in the face . . . shouldn't it?

I'm not sure it's possible to manipulate someone with candor and truth.

I think you call that enlightenment.

And as I stared at my daughter's fading image, my fear vanished.

If I wound up like Slate, if that was the price I had to pay to make my daughter safe, so be it.

If I was haunted for the rest of my life because Maggie needed me to make hard choices, so be it.

And if I had to die a horrible, lingering death so that my little girl could have a chance to live . . .

So be it.

I tightened my grip on the hideous weight of the ancient bronze knife.

I put one hand gently on Lloyd Slate's forehead to hold him still.

And then I cut his throat.

It was a quick, clean death, which made it no less lethal than if I'd hacked him up with an ax. Death is the great equalizer. It doesn't matter how you get there. Just when.

And why.

He never struggled. Just let out a breath that sounded like a sigh of relief and turned his head to one side as if going to sleep. It wasn't neat, but it wasn't a scene from a gorefest slasher movie, either. It looked more like the kind of mess you'd see in a kitchen when preparing a big bunch of steaks. Most of his blood ran into the carved indentions on the table and seemed to become quicksilver once there, running rapidly outward through the troughs and down the lettering carved in the sides and the legs. The blood made the letters reflect the eerie light around us, giving them a sort of flickering fire of their own. It was a terrible, beautiful sight. Power hummed through that blood; the letters, the stone, and the air around me were shaken by its silent potency.

I sensed the two Sidhe behind me, watching with calm, predatory eyes as the Knight who had betrayed his queens died. I knew when it was over. The two of them let out small sighs of . . . appreciation, I suppose. I couldn't think of any other phrase that fit. They recognized the significance of his death while in no way actually feeling any empathy for him. A life flowed from his broken body into the Stone Table, and they held the act in a respect akin to reverence.

I just stood there, blood dripping from the bronze knife in my hand onto the earth beneath my feet. I shivered in the cold and stared at the remains of the man I'd murdered, wondering what I was supposed to feel. Sadness? Not really. He'd been a son of a bitch of the first order, and I'd gladly have killed him in a straight-up fight if I had the chance. Remorse? None yet. I had done him a favor when I killed him. There was no getting him out of what he'd gotten himself into. Joy? No. None of that, either. Satisfaction? Precious little, except that it was over, the deed done, the dice finally cast.

Mostly? I just felt cold.

A minute or an hour later, the Leanansidhe lifted a hand and snapped her fingers. The cloaked servitors appeared from the mist as silently as they'd left, and gathered up what was left of Lloyd Slate. They lifted him in silence, carried him in silence, and vanished into the mist.

"There," I said quietly to Mab. "My part is done. Time for you to live up to yours."

"No, child," said Mab's voice through Lea's lips. "Your part is only begun. But fear not. I am Mab. The stars will rain from the sky before Mab fulfills not her word." She tilted her head slightly to one side, toward my godmother, and said, "I give thee this adviser for thy final quest, sir Knight. My handmaiden is among the most powerful beings in all of my Winter, second only to myself."

Lea's warmer, more languid voice came from her lips as she asked, "My queen, to what degree am I permitted to act?"

I thought I saw the fell light gleam on Mab's teeth as Lea's lips said, "You may indulge yourself."

Lea's mouth spread into a wide, dangerous smile of its own, and she bowed her head and upper body toward the Queen of Winter.

"And now, my Knight," Mab's voice said, as her body turned to face me exclusively. "We will see to the strength of your broken body. And I will make you mine."

I swallowed hard.

Mab lifted a hand, a dismissive gesture, and the Leanansidhe bowed to her.

"I am no longer needed here, child," Lea murmured. "I will be ready to go with thee whenever thou dost call."

My throat was almost too dry to get any words out. "I'll want the things I left with you, as soon as you can get them to me."

"Of course," she said. She bowed to me as well, and took several steps back into the mist, until it swallowed her whole.

And I was alone with Queen Mab.

"So," I said into the silence. "I guess there's . . . there's a ceremony of some kind to go through."

Mab stepped closer to me. She wasn't an enormous, imposing figure. She was considerably shorter than me. Slender. But she walked with such perfect confidence that the role of predator and prey was clear to both of us. I edged back from her. It was pure instinct, and I could no more stop from doing it than I could have stopped shivering against the cold.

"Going to be hard for us to exchange oaths if you can't talk, huh," I said. My voice sounded thin and shaky, even to me. "Um. Maybe it's paperwork or something."

Pale hands slipped up from the dark cloak and drew her hood back. She shook her head left and right, and pale, silken tresses, whiter than moonlight or Lloyd Slate's dead flesh, spilled forth.

My voice stopped working for a second. My bare thighs hit the Stone Table behind me, and I wound up sitting on it.

Mab kept pacing toward me, one slightly swaying step at a time. The cloak slid from her shoulders, down, down, down.

"Y-you, uh," I said, looking away. "You m-must be cold."

A throaty little laugh bubbled up out of her frozen-berry lips. Mab's voice, touched with anger, could cause physical damage to living flesh. Her voice filled with simmering desire . . . did other things.

And the cold was suddenly the least of my concerns.

Her mouth closed on mine, and I gave up even trying to speak. This wasn't a ceremony so much as a rite, and one as ancient as beasts and birds, earth and sky.

My memory gets shaky after the kiss.

I remember her body gleaming brightly above me, cold, soft, feminine perfection. I don't have the words to describe it. Inhuman beauty. Elfin grace. Animal sensuality. And when her body was atop mine, our breaths mingled, cold sweetness with human imperfection. I could feel the rhythm of her form, her breath, her heart. I could feel the stone of the table, the ancient hill of the mound, the very earth of the valley around us pulsing in time to Mab's rhythm. Clouds raced over the sky, and as she moved more quickly she grew brighter, and brighter, until I realized that the eerie luminescence around us all evening had been nothing but a dim, muffled reflection of Mab's loveliness, veiled for the sake of the mortal mind it could have unmade.

She did not veil it as her breathing mounted. And it burned me, it was so pure.

What we did wasn't sex, regardless of what it appeared to be. You can't have sex with a thunderstorm, an earthquake, a furious winter gale. You can't make love to a mountain, a lake of ice, a freezing wind.

For a few moments, I saw the breadth and depth of Mab's power - and for a fleeting instant, the barest, tiniest glimpse of her purpose, as well, as our entwined bodies thrashed toward completion. I was screaming. I had been for a while.

Then Mab's cry joined mine, our voices blending together. Her nails dug into my chest, chips of ice sliding beneath my skin. I saw her body drawn into an arch of pleasure, and then her green cat eyes opened and bored into -

Her mouth opened, and her voice hissed, "MINE."

Absolute truth made my body vibrate like the plucked string of a guitar, and I jerked into a brief, violent contortion.

Mab's hands slid down my ribs, and I could suddenly feel the fire of the cracked bones again, until those icy hands tightened as again she said, "MINE."

Again, my body bowed into a violent bow, every muscle trying to tear its way off of my bones.

Mab hissed in eagerness as her hands slid around my waist, covering the numb spot where my spine had probably been broken. I felt myself screaming and struggling, with no control whatsoever over my body.

Mab's feline eyes captured my own gaze, trapping my attention within their frozen beauty as again a jolt of terrible, sweet cold flowed out from her fingertips and she whispered, her voice a velvet caress, ". . . mine . . ."

"Again!" screamed a voice I vaguely recognized.

Something cold and metallic pressed to my chest.

"Clear!" shouted the voice.

A lightning bolt hit my chest, an agonizing ribbon of silver power that bent my body into a bow. I started screaming, and before my hips had come down, I shouted, "Hexus!" spewing out power into the air.

Someone shouted and someone else cursed, and sparks exploded all around me, including from the lightbulb above, which seemed to overload and shatter into powder.

The room was dark and quiet for a few seconds.

"D-did we lose him?" asked a steady, elderly man's voice. Forthill.

"Oh, God," said Molly's quavering voice. "H-Harry?"

"I'm fine," I said. My throat felt raw. "What the hell are you doing to me?"

"Y-your heart stopped . . ." said a third voice, the familiar one.

I felt my chest and found nothing there, or around my neck. My fingers quested out and touched the bed and the backboard beneath me, and found my necklace there, the ruby still fixed in place by an ugly glob of rubber. I gripped the chain and slipped a little of my will into it, and cold blue light filled the room.

". . . so I did what any good mortician would," Butters continued. "Hit you with a bolt of lightning and tried to reanimate you." He held up two shock paddles, whose wires had evidently been melted right off them. They weren't attached to anything now. He was a wiry little guy in hospital scrubs with a shock of black hair, narrow shoulders, and a thin, restless body. He held up his hands and mimed employing the shock paddles. Then he said, in a goofy voice that was probably meant to sound hollow, "It's alive. Alliiiiiivve." After a beat he added, "You're welcome."

"Butters." I sighed. "Who called you into - " I stopped and said, "Molly. Never mind."

"Harry," she said. "We couldn't be sure how badly you were hurt, and if you couldn't feel, you couldn't know either, and I thought we needed a real doctor, but the only one I knew you trusted was Butters, so I got him instead - "

"Hey!" Butters said.

I pushed the straps off of my head and kicked irritably at the straps on my legs.

"Whoa, there, tiger!" Butters said. The little medical examiner threw himself across my legs. "Hold your horses, big guy! Easy, easy!"

Forthill and Molly meant well. They joined in and the three of them flattened me to the backboard again.

I snarled out a curse and then went limp. I sat there not resisting for a moment, until I thought they'd be listening. Then I said, "We don't have time for this. Get these straps off of me."

"Dresden, you might have a broken back," Butters said. "A pinched nerve, broken bones, damage to the organs in your lower abdomen - for God's sake, man, what were you thinking, not going to a hospital?"

"I was thinking that I didn't want to make an easy target of myself," I said. "I'm fine. I'm better."

"Good Lord, man!" sputtered Forthill. "Be reasonable. Your heart wasn't beating three minutes ago."

"Molly," I said, my voice hard. "Unfasten the straps. Do it now."

I heard her sniffle. But then she sat up and came up to where she could see my eyes. "Um. Harry. Are you still . . . you know. You?"

I blinked at her for a second, impressed. The grasshopper's insight was evidently serving her well.

"I'm me," I said, looking back at her eyes. That should be verification enough. If someone else had come back behind the wheel of my car, so much change to my insides and a look like that would certainly trigger a soulgaze and reveal what had happened. "For now, at least."

Molly bit her lip. Then she said, "Okay. Okay, let him up."

Butters sat up from my legs and then stood scowling. "Wait a minute. This is just . . . This is all moving a little too fast for me."

The door behind him opened, and a heavyset man in street clothes lifted a gun and put two rounds into Butters's back from three feet away. The sheer sound of the shots was incredible, deafening.

Butters dropped like a slaughtered cow.

The gunman's eyes were tracking toward the rest of us before Butters hit the floor. I knew who he was looking for when his eyes swept over me and locked on.

He didn't talk, didn't bluster, didn't hesitate. A professional. There were plenty of them in Chicago. He raised the gun to aim at my head - while I lay there, strapped to a board from the hips down and unable to move. And, as I lifted my left wrist, I noted that my shield bracelet was gone. Of course. They must have removed it so that the defibrillator's charge wouldn't have gotten any ideas, just as they'd taken the metal necklace from around my throat, and the rings from my fingers.

They were being helpful.

Clearly, this was just not my day.