Off Limits

I shiver. It was one of the most horrifying nights I can recall.

‘I climbed into my tree house and waited it out there. But a flash of lightning came down so close and so loud it smoked on the ground at my feet.’

He nods thoughtfully, but I can tell he’s unravelling the story.

‘When did you get back into your home?’

‘Not until morning. I fell asleep eventually, and it wasn’t until Nanny discovered me missing and the alarm was raised that I heard the staff looking for me. I woke up and all was well. Except that I can’t stand storms now. Even the smell of rain in the air makes me afraid.’

He strokes his chin thoughtfully.

‘So I’m not entirely fearless,’ I finish lamely.

‘Lots of people are afraid of thunderstorms.’

‘Are you?’

‘No.’ His smile is perfunctory. ‘There isn’t much I’m afraid of.’

‘But...?’ I ask, sipping my wine, curious to the point of distraction.

‘Yes, I have fears,’ he admits grudgingly.

‘Like...?’

He makes a deep, guttural noise. ‘This was a crappy idea.’

I laugh softly. ‘Ghosts? Spiders?’

‘No.’ He’s quiet for so long I wonder if he’s not going to answer, and then he continues, his voice hoarse. ‘I’m afraid of powerlessness. Of watching someone I love die.’

His grief hits me like a web

and I am caught in it.

‘You’ve watched someone you love die and you’ve survived.’

‘Barely.’ He shakes his head. ‘Try the chicken. It’s great.’

I don’t move. The ghosts of his admission linger between us, haunting our table.

‘Were you with her when she died?’

He recoils as though he’s been slapped and I briefly regret the agreement we’ve made. But I want to know this stuff. It’s so important to me to understand. I feel like I’ve got only half of the picture and bit by bit I want to piece him together.

‘Yes.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I wanted to be with her.’

‘Of course.’ I nod. ‘How long were you married?’

‘A year.’ He clears his throat. ‘Can we talk about something else?’

Sympathy is thick inside of me but instinctively I know talking about this will help him so I don’t back down. ‘You told me I could ask what I want.’

‘And this is what you want to know?’