“Kallie, listen, Sarah is going through a lot, and she needs her family right now. I can’t do it all, but I won’t let her go without me.” I’m so fucking confused.
“What’s wrong? I don’t understand.” He sighs, and I can tell he is pacing the floor because I keep hearing that old wood squeak every time he steps on it.
“She’s overwhelmed with the girls. It’s a lot to handle, and the change of going from one to two was a bit more shocking then we anticipated. Her mom wants to help her but can’t leave her grandfather, so Sarah wants to go there. It’s for the best, believe me.” I’m already emotional, thanks to Jax, and now this. What the hell? I feel like everything I know or believe in is slowly starting to crumble around me.
“What about work? Will they allow you to work from North Carolina?” He laughs, and I want to cry, knowing I only have a limited time to hear that laugh in person.
“Yes, I’ve already talked to them. I work from home anyway, so it won’t be a problem. I just need to make sure I have somewhere to work in the house. It’s pretty crowded.”
“I can’t say I’m happy about any of it, I’ll miss you all terribly, but if you think it’s for the best, I’m sure it is. I would like to come see the girls soon though.” I know he is mulling everything over. He hates change as much as I do.
“Of course, you let me know, and we’ll figure something out. Now enough about me. What’s going on with you?” I can’t stop myself once I start talking. I didn’t want to tell him, but it just started coming out. Now he knows anything and everything about Jax.
“I can’t tell you what to do, you’re an adult now. However, if you even think you might want to start something with him, I’d do it soon. I can tell you right now that if you don’t act on it soon, you will regret it when he walks in with a girl on his arm. It will happen, Kall.” Damn, it just makes me feel worse. I can’t break my rules though.
“It’s complicated, Braden. Listen, I need to get some work done, but I’ll text you after I look at my calendar about when I want to come over. I’m here if you need anything. Love you.”
“Same goes for you. Love you too.” We hang up, and I sit there trying to let it all soak in. He’s leaving me, and Jax will leave me if I don’t give in. How the fuck did I get here? I fall back on the couch and close my eyes.
I must have fallen asleep because my phone ringing scares the crap out of me. “Hello?” I hear Brinley giggle on the other end.
“You sound great. I’m on my way over with food and alcohol, you sounded like you could use it.” I clear my throat of the sleep and sit up, pulling my knees to my chest.
“I’m not drinking, but I am hungry.” She laughs this time, and it actually helps my mood just a fraction.
“One glass won’t hurt. I’ll be there in five.” She hangs up on me, and I realize what a great friend she is. She knows without me even saying that I not only need to talk but need the company. I turn my phone off and toss it onto the table, so I’m not able to drunk dial anyone tonight.
WHEN I LEFT KALLIE’S LAST week, I was pissed; no, I was beyond pissed. I was hoping to calm down on the drive home, but it only made it worse. I walked into the house, grabbed a beer out of the fridge, and went out back to think. She is so fucking confusing. One minute, I think she is finally going to let me in, and the next, she is blowing me off. I get that she has this idea that being with a model is inappropriate, and in any other circumstance, I would agree, but damn it, I’m not just looking for a quick fuck. I want to be with her. I want to call her my girl. I mean, I saw her expression when I was naked on the bed, she liked what she saw, and she was turned on. I wanted her under me so badly, to feel her soft skin on mine, to explore every inch of her body. I never had such a difficult time trying to not get hard. My cock was fully aware of her presence, but when I saw her hand shaking, I knew I had to think with the head on my shoulders. She’s the best photographer I’ve ever worked with, and I wanted to make sure she was comfortable shooting me. Once she relaxed, the photog
rapher in her came shining through. After the shoot when I grabbed her hand and pulled her closer to the shower, it felt so incredibly intimate, so real. I knew when she ran that she felt it too, but when I wanted to talk about it and she dismissed me, holy shit, I was enraged. Which is why I’m sitting here nursing this beer and smoking like a chimney. I’ve never felt like this in my life. Never felt this connection, this intensity, this desire . . . but when it’s not being returned, it’s a slap to the face and dick.
“You want to talk about it, brother?” I turn my head to Blake and lift my beer. “Gotcha.” He sits down in the chair next to mine, and we just sit in silence for a while.
“I think I’m falling in love with her.” I know he is staring at me, but I refuse to look at him. I’ve only just admitted it to myself as I said it out loud; I’m not about to see his expression of disgust.
“Jax, you can’t be serious. You’ve never been on a date, how could you love her?” He’s right. I can’t explain it, I don’t fucking understand it. How is it possible to fall in love with someone that you’ve never went on a date with, never held, never kissed?
“I don’t know, brother, but I think I do.” I’ve never in my life felt this disconnected with the guy that I am. I knew who I was, what I wanted, and now it’s completely changed, in just a few months.
“Listen, this isn’t you. I’ve known you forever, I know you. You’re just confused because your dick is talking. You need to let this go, move on. Go to the bar and bring home a chick. Fuck her brains out. That’s what you need to do. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, because you’re the one causing it. She told you straight up how it was, and you just keep holding on. Let go.” I turn my head and glare at him. The anger is stirring inside of me.
“Fuck you, Blake. Stop telling me who I am or how I feel. Why is it so hard to accept the fact that I don’t want to just fuck some chick, I want Kallie.” He laughs and throws his head back, looking up at the sky.
“Honestly, Jax, I don’t even feel like I know you anymore. You’ve become a pussy, just like your brother.” I stand up so fast I kick the chair out from under me. I reach over, grab a hold of his shirt, and get right in his face.
“What the fuck did you just say?” He grabs my hands and tries to pull them off, but my fury is in complete control now. I’m breathing heavily in his face, my nose practically touching his.
“Relax, brother.” I pull back just enough so he can see my face clearly.
“Fuck you.” I push him, nearly knocking him backward, and kick my chair across the patio on my way to the door. I go into my room and I punch the wall over and over until my knuckles are bleeding and sheetrock is scattered on the floor.
That was last week, and I am still pissed at him. We talked it out the next morning, and he apologized repeatedly. The thing that gets me, the thing that made me want to rip his heart out, is that he’s right. I am turning into my brother, and that is something I promised I’d never do. Having a woman string me along, not getting involved with anyone else, that’s him. I don’t want to be him, not in my love life. The only way to stop it is to do something about it, so I called Kallie this morning and told her I needed her to come over for a talk.
I’m sitting outside trying to figure out what I’m going to say when my phone rings. I don’t know the number, but it could be a photographer, so I pick up.
“Hey, is this Jax Burke?” Yep, a photographer.
“Yes.” I light a cigarette and lean back in my chair.