Kam had tears in his eyes then. They were raw and bloodshot. I’d never seen him like that.
“We have definitely had this conversation before.” He nods in agreement and just as guilt starts to trickle in he says, “And it’s okay to have it again. There’s nothing wrong with that.” He leans in closer, lowering his voice to jokingly add, “It would be great if it was the last time, but you can be a slow learner.” I can’t help the laugh. It’s genuine and so out of place, but also so very needed.
A moment passes that settles everything. He lays his hand over mine and I flip mine over, so my palm is facing up and touching his. I give a gentle squeeze and he returns it.
His head falls back and he stares up at the ceiling. “Last time instead of guilt we were going to drink, but this time I think maybe instead of guilt”—with his head resting against the back of the sofa, he turns just slightly so his eyes are on mine to say—“we just have sex.”
At my laugh he smiles, his pearly white teeth showing off how charming and handsome he is.
“Is that your way of telling me you’ve found a new boyfriend?”
“Ah, yes, I have a new boy toy.”
“Really?” I shift to face him. A giddiness comes over me at the thought of Kam falling in love again, especially after things didn’t work out with Gerald, his ex. If ever someone deserved a happily ever after, it’s Kam. He’s dedicated his life to our circle of friends and made whatever sacrifices were necessary. Ones we aren’t supposed to mention. Some I wasn’t meant to know of at all.
Just as I part my lips to ask who he is, he presses on about Zander.
“Let’s talk about yours, though. About Zander.”
“What about him?”
“The media reaction is exactly what we wanted and it also offers you a choice. Whichever you make, I’ll support.”
I pause, waiting for him to say it out loud although I can already guess what the options are.
“You can keep him or leave him. Our reaction determines what they perceive and given his position with The Firm, as well as legally … there won’t be any issues either way.”
“Do we have to make any statement at all?” I question, thinking pragmatically. Silence is golden. That’s my mantra and it’s been my mantra for years.
“Not at all. It is good timing for public relations, though. The spotlight is on you, babe.”
“Mm-hmm,” I hum in understanding. Picking at my nails, I struggle to think of anything I want anyone to know. It’s all too fresh and raw. I just want more time before I give them anything at all.
“If you want him to stay, he stays. If you want him to go …” He gives a little wave, his hand making a rolling motion. I know what “go” means.
It’s been ages since Kam last saw to a relationship ending. Prior to James. It’s a final decision and one that can’t be undone without extensive damage control.
“You can take time if you need,” Kam starts. “I can keep him away if you want space to think—”
“I want him to stay.” My statement is firm and Kam’s lips lift in an asymmetric grin, giving me a sense of peace at my answer. Good. With that look I know everything will be all right.
It will be, won’t it?
“I thought you’d say that. I thought you might tell me you love him.” His gaze is locked with mine as he stares back at me expectantly. I can’t answer, though. It seems more final to admit it to Kam than to Zander himself.
I can’t do it. Not when I don’t even know how Z really feels about me. Not when I don’t know if this is going to last.
“Keep your secrets,” he says, throwing his hands up with his lips pressed into a thin smile and then he breaks eye contact to look away. “You don’t need to tell me anything more.”
He readjusts on the sofa and I can only watch him until he looks back at me. Déjà vu comes over me and the theoretical clouds rumble in the distance.
“Just let me know if things change, all right?”
“Right. You’ll be the first to know.”
“And I’ll take care of it.”
He did the same for James. It’s as if history is repeating itself. At that thought, chills run down my spine. I can barely swallow but before the intense emotion takes hold, Kam distracts me with an odd fact.
“Did you know that sex can occasionally result in transient global amnesia?” Kam tells me.
“What do you mean?”
“You can forget for a couple of hours.”
“Forget what?” I question.
“Forget anything … everything,” he says jokingly and I have to smile as he gives me a grin.
It’s quiet for a moment and I sink back, feeling as if I’m either in the eye of the storm, or the dark gray skies have passed and I’m just not aware of it yet.
After a moment, he breaks the silence.
“Your friends are worried about you,” he tells me softly, patting the back of my hand and giving me a somewhat sad smile, but more like one with empathy.
“I’m worried about me too,” I admit and consider jotting down some thoughts in the journal Damon gave me, the one with the rose gold binding. When Kam leaves, I think I’ll do just that.
“It may sound odd, but that’s a step up from last time.” Kam nods as he speaks. “A good step,” he adds, continuing the nodding. It’s what he does when he’s decided on a plan and is content with it. Those little nods provide so much comfort. More than he could ever realize. “You’re worried, and I’ll take that. Plus you’re getting laid, so that’s a good sign.”