I hesitate to answer, glancing at Trish and then back to Kam. “… I’m better.”
With a rap of his knuckles, Zander stands on the other side of the glass. Tall, dark and handsome, in gray slacks and a thin black tie, he peeks in the window waiting rather than pulling back the sliding glass door beside him. I huff a small laugh as he looks through the window and signals by pointing to his chest. It means: Do you need me?
I blow him a kiss back. It’s our code for: I’m all right. There’s a sputtering in my chest as I’m caught in his gaze. It strikes me that he could have walked another few steps, but where he’s standing would be the first place he’d be able to see me.
“Your knight in shining armor for real,” Trish comments.
“I might have messaged him,” Kam admits. He adds, “I can keep her occupied if you want to see him?”
“I’m ‘her’ now?” Trish jokes at the same time that I respond.
“I’m good.” Z smiles at me through the window, gives a short wave and then goes back to the deck where he’s been talking with Damon. They’re making plans to present paperwork to the judge. Something that has to happen for the conservatorship to dissolve. It’s all so heavy and I wish it was just over with legally.
“That’s cute that he checks on you,” Trish states and then opens up the box from the French bakery I love downtown. She offers me a tiny cupcake but I wave it away. As does Kam. With a shrug, she leans back and bites into her morsel.
The emotions swing so wildly, I don’t know what to think anymore.
“It’s going to be okay, isn’t it?” I question Kam because he knows it all. He takes a moment, observing me and not answering right away. “I don’t know why I feel like this,” I admit out loud.
“Do we need to—” he starts and I can see the panic and worry in his gaze.
I cut him off, not wanting to cause him more stress than I already have. “This is me telling my friend … I don’t know why I can’t trust it. I think the moment I’m happy it’s going to be ripped from me.”
“Nothing is going to be taken from you,” Kam says, attempting to comfort me but it doesn’t work.
“If I let myself fall for him and then … something happens and he’s gone …” I can barely get the words out. It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud. “I can’t go through that again.”
Kam’s answer strikes me hard, although his voice is nearly a whisper. “What happened to James was an accident, Ella.”
“I know. I know.”
“It was a fucking tragedy,” Trish adds.
“You deserve to be happy,” Kam tells me with a gentle firmness. “He makes you happy, doesn’t he?”
“He does,” I answer.
“And he loves you,” Trish points out.
“He does.” I say with a simper, letting the warmth flood me. Not fighting it and knowing it’s true. He does.
“You love him?” Trish asks.
“I do.”
Kam steps in, placing a hand on each of my shoulders and says, “Then be happy. For fuck’s sake, Ella, be happy. That’s all anyone wants and you never know when it’s all going to change. One moment and everything falls. We’ve seen it so many times. We recover, we always do. I will always make sure you get back up. But you’re up, babe. You can be happy now. I promise you.”