Someone Else's Shadow

Tonight backfired—epically. I went out with the intent to find someone who knew who I was, but I got a lot more than I bargained for. The only positive thing I can be thankful for is the fact that I didn’t succumb to the white noise.

Once the cab dropped me off, I staggered into my home, never needing the comfort of these four walls more than I do right now. My room has been my haven for the past few hours. Staring out into the lake from my balcony, I almost wish I could sink my worries to the bottom. But I can’t. It’s because of this lake that I’m here—in hell.

Tonight, I uncovered something about myself no person would want to know. But there is no denying the truth. It seems I was a drug user who had no qualms about sleeping with her dealer. If that isn’t bad enough, I am evidently a woman with loose morals. But let’s face the facts; I clearly didn’t have any morals if what he says is true. I feel sick.

Groaning, I rest my cheek on my interlocked arms and stare out into the still depths. I haven’t gathered the courage to go out and jump into the deep end, so to speak. I’ve been afraid. But after what I just uncovered, there isn’t time to be frightened. It’s time I make right the wrongdoings of my past. And I’m starting to realize I have a lot of offenses to reconcile. It’s time to finally unearth what happened at this lake and why that red ribbon holds me prisoner night after night.

Without stopping to think or doubt my decision, I turn on my heel and march through the house and out the front door. My bare feet connect with the energy thrumming through the earth, and I take off in a sprint.

The air whips through my hair, cooling down the fire burning within. Even with my eyes closed, I’d know where I’m going, but I keep them open and focus on the tattered swing. A sliver of moonlight lights up the red ribbon, forcing me to run faster and harder, and to forget my fears. The closer I get to it, the easier it becomes to breathe.

Nothing about this makes sense, but I gave up on the notion of my life being normal long ago. I continue running, invisible manacles coming loose and setting me free. A maniacal laugh fills the still night, and although I resemble a madwoman, I couldn’t stop myself even if I tried.

My legs burn from the intensity, and my lungs are screaming for a reprieve, but with the mysterious oak so close, I’m forced to push harder. The wind whispers inaudible warnings while the gentle currents of the lake caution me to go back, but when I’m feet away, I come to a sudden stop.

My chest rises and falls as I attempt to catch my breath, scoping out my surroundings and wondering why the air feels so invigorating out here. The grass feels softer, and the earth throbs with a pulsating vitality that kick-starts my heart. I take one step, then two.

From afar, the oak appeared enormous, so you can imagine what it now looks like standing feet away. Peering up, I marvel at its beauty. Flourishing green leaves cover the sturdy branches that are akin to strong arms welcoming me home. The swing is merely a wooden plank attached to the biggest branch of all. Thanks to the thick, weathered rope, which has frayed from the harsh weather and years of enjoyment, this swing appears invincible, like it could stand the test of time.

And I think that it has.

Inhaling, I take note of the sweetened scent emanating from the bright pink flowers that pucker on the lake’s edge. I relish in the peacefulness, feeling like no one exists but me. This place is my paradise. This place is my home.

The red ribbon, my forever beacon, beckons me to come closer as it rustles in the gentle breeze. But I need to catch my breath. This is the very reason I’m here, but now that it’s within reach—things aren’t as scary as I once thought they were. I can do this.

I take my time, measuring my steps because something is almost sacred about this land. Reaching out with trembling fingers, I slowly wrap my hand around the rope. The moment I touch it, an innocence echoes around me. I thought I would recoil, but the complete opposite happens.

I run my fingers up and down the coarse texture, smiling when the resonance of children’s laughter sings to my subconscious. Unable to stall any longer, I caress the ribbon with the tip of my little finger as I would a long-lost friend. The energy surging through me backflips and somersaults in complete joy. There was never a time I was happier than I am right now.

Powerless to stop and with the slowest of movements, I slide my hand down and make a fist around the ribbon. My breath catches at the sight of the red silk contrasting the creaminess of my skin. It’s perfect. Fingering the smooth texture, I continue my exploration, my fingers floating along the long strands.

The constant clamor fades into the background as the magnetism of this moment drowns out the noise. Unexpected tears prick my eyes, but something about them is cathartic, so I let them fall. The moonlight chooses this moment to ignite the lake—the perfect partner in crime.

Caught between reality and whatever this world is, the strands slip through my fingers as I round the swing and lower myself onto the wooden seat. A gasp escapes me because this scratchy surface suddenly feels like I’m sitting on a throne.

The view is breathtaking.

The vastness in front of me is a reminder of just how small I am in the grand scheme of things. My problems seem arduous as if my world is slowly coming to an end, but sitting out here alone in the beauty of silence, I know it’ll be okay. Life is a beautiful mystery, one that sometimes remains unsolved.

I kick my bare feet into the ground and push myself to take flight. The swing rocks gently as I enjoy the slow ride. I finger the red ribbon, transfixed by the brightness of its color. This is the first time I’ve felt somewhat at peace, like my mind can take a respite. I may not be any closer to determining why that is, but for a few simple minutes, I let go and just be.

The swing sways with a sluggish speed as my feet connect with the ground each time I push off. My mind has finally found silence, and I continue my ride, staring into the darkness, mesmerized by the moonlight shimmering against the water’s edge. The other side, “my side” of the lake, sparks brightly, and I wonder what it would feel like to peer in from that world. Would I still appreciate the beauty as I do now?

Lost in the silence, I fail to realize someone is behind me until he speaks. “Home already?”

“Holy shit!” I screech, my peace coming to an end. I know without looking who stands behind me. And it’s probably better I can’t see him because I am certain he’d be able to smell my depravity.

If Cayden does know who I am, I don’t blame him for denying the truth. After my revelation tonight, it’s no wonder he won’t own up. I’m clearly trouble.

Groaning, I kick my feet, wishing to go higher. But Cayden takes matters into his own hands—literally.

“Here. Let me push you.” He places his hands between my shoulder blades and gently makes good on his word. The moment he touches me, a shiver spreads like wildfire from head to toe.

A silence lingers, but I get the sense he’s weighing what to say. He confirms my belief a second later. “How was tonight?”

I muffle my meltdown and shrug. “It was good.”