Someone Else's Shadow

“You asked me to give you a reason to say…but I didn’t have one. I wouldn’t have you giving your life up for me. You didn’t believe me, so you gave me one final test. You asked me if I loved you…and I…I said no. I broke your heart that day because no matter how beautiful or confident you were, underneath it all, you were still that lost little girl dressed as her favorite princess.”

Blinking back my tears, I feel my heart break once again, just as it did ten years ago. To hear my life being retold this way is beyond words. In a way, I escaped the nightmares, but Cayden has had to relive them over and over again.

“Two summers passed, and just when I thought you’d forgotten about me and this place, you came back. It was the best day of my life. But just how I broke your heart, you were intent on breaking mine. You came in and out of my life, leaving for months, sometimes years at a time. One drunken night, I was alone and missing you so fucking much, and that was the night Ellie was conceived.

“When you came back, you saw that Hazel was pregnant, and I knew it was over for good. Our lives have always been a revolving door. One in, one out.”

My relationship with Cayden has been a turbulent affair for so long. But I can’t help but feel that something is missing. As headstrong as I am, and with the love I clearly felt, I know I would have fought harder.

However, remembering Calvin’s comment about being on/off for eight years now makes perfect sense. Ellie is eight years old. Cayden did break my heart because it’s breaking once again for the life we could have led.

He gently clutches the back of my calves, an almost plea that I listen to how this all ends. “But regardless of our past, of everything that happened, you still came back here time and time again. I knew you were seeing Calvin, but I just didn’t care. I meant it when I said you were mine, Snow. You always have been.

“If circumstances were different, I would have married you the day you turned eighteen. But life doesn’t always turn out the way you want it to.” He lowers his head, clearly wounded that fate has once again reared her ugly head. “The night of the accident…you came here.”

“I did?” I ask, gasping when he raises those poignant eyes and meets mine.

“Yes. You”—he blinks once, his lower lip quivering—“you told me you were pregnant.” The walls begin closing in on me, and I suddenly am finding it difficult to breathe. “You didn’t know whose it was.”

“Oh, my God.” A tear slips from the corner of my eye as I sit frozen, unable to move. A flutter tickles low, but it’s all a cruel trick—a taste of what I once had.

“You told me that regardless of who was the father, Calvin was going to raise the baby as his because you were going to marry him. You tore out my heart one final time, and I…I snapped. We had a huge argument. Ugly words were spoken. Years of repression burst the seams, and I knew at that moment that our love was toxic. I saw just how much when Ellie…” Cayden turns his cheek, pained.

After everything he’s just shared, I have no right to ask, but this is why I’m here. “Tell me. Let me carry you for once.” With a hesitant touch, I run my fingers through his hair, relishing in the rumble which passes his lips.

“Ellie loved you, Snow. And you loved her. You were more of a mother to her than Hazel. That’s why she was so frightened the day she saw you. She thought you were a ghost because you were gone for so long. She’d carry your mouse everywhere, hoping that it held some magical power to bring you back to us.”

She loved me, and in return, I clearly hurt her in ways unimaginable. “Remember, you’re the one who can fill the world with sunshine. That’s what she said to me. What does it mean?”

Cayden looks fatigued, but it’s almost the end. I can feel it. “It’s from Snow White. It’s what you used to say to her instead of goodbye.” I can’t control my emotions, and a sob robs me of breath.

“What sort of a monster was I?” I cry, shielding my face, ashamed.

“You were never the villain in this story, Snow. Only the victim. Ellie hated us fighting, so she went outside. The dock was slick with snow. She just wanted to see the moonlight reflecting in the water, she told me. But she got too close to the edge, and she…she fell into the water.”

My tears cease because I don’t deserve to shed another one ever again.

“When I heard you scream, I knew something was very wrong. I ran out back and saw you wet, sobbing as you breathed life into my motionless daughter. You jumped in and saved her. The paramedics said if you hadn’t…” He shakes his head, unable to complete his sentence.

“But seeing Ellie that way, I knew what I had to do. I ended it, and this time, for good. I told you to leave me alone. That I didn’t…” He tongues his cheek, peering upward as if searching for the right words. “That I didn’t want anything to do with you or the baby. I told you that you were the biggest regret of my life…and you were. I regretted being a coward for not having the balls to stop you from leaving when you begged me to ten years ago. But whatever we had, it was gone…”

“Which is why you haven’t told me this until now. Wounded, I told you to forget me, didn’t I?”

He nods once, heartbroken.

Still on his knees, I can’t understand how an innocent love like ours ended in the twisted way that it did. There is something else, but I feel sick. I can’t take anymore. I was pregnant, and I didn’t know who the father was? I am disgusted by my actions.

However, a glimmer of light shines through, resolving a small part of my soul. Unable to stand to see him surrendering, I slowly, with weary bones, lower myself to kneel before him too. “The baby was yours.” He opens his mouth, but I silence him as I place my finger to his lips. “Calvin told me we hadn’t slept with one another for over six months and that the night before my accident, I gave him back his ring.” That flicker of hope sparkles in Cayden’s eyes, but that could be the tears we both will share for what will never be. “Why would I lie to you?”

This doesn’t make any sense. I am missing something. Something vital that strings all of this together.

Cayden wraps his fingers around my wrist, stroking his thumb over my racing pulse. “Because we hurt the ones we love.”

On our knees, we both need a minute to process everything. Cayden doesn’t need to tell me what happened next. I left his house, distressed and hysterical, and one tiny mishap resulted in the loss of my—of our—child.

He’s instantly on me, reading my thoughts. “Don’t you dare. This is all on me. All of it. If only I had chased after you. If only I hadn’t spewed such lies…” He clutches my biceps, shaking me to see reason. “You will always be my biggest regret.” And now, I understand why. “In Ellie’s eyes, you are her angel because you saved her…you saved us both.”

I crumple, unable to stomach any more. However, the universe tells me she’s listening when a rumble can be felt creeping over the horizon. “Everything is always better after a thunderstorm…” he whispers into my ear as I sag into his arms. “You used to love the rain…”