Chapter Sixteen
Ana
I resist this conversation with Luke, which he’s insisted upon in a rather ceremoniously intense fashion. “We need to talk” is one of those prelude statements that lead to no place good. A conversation that will divide us more than we are already divided, is unwelcome, even if necessary, considering we are hunted by an unknown enemy.
Unknown but close enough to know my family property. Closer to me than I know. It’s a realization that hadn’t quite hit me until now.
Nevertheless, it’s happening, of this, there is no doubt.
With towels wrapped around us, dampness clinging to our skin, and a mix of tension and newfound love ping-ponging between us, Luke and I exit the bathroom.
“The guys brought you some clothes,” he offers, indicating the bag on the bed.
“Oh good. I need to wash my clothes, and we should get dressed.” I glance up at him. “In case we’re attacked.” It’s a true statement, one supported by our training—readiness trumps conversation—but the look on his face says he’s not buying it.
He knows it’s about how naked and vulnerable I feel right now, in every possible way, I see that in his all-too-knowing blue eyes, but he doesn’t fight me on the delay, either.
“I’ll throw our clothes in the wash.” He walks into the bathroom, scoops them all up, and reappears before exiting the room all together.
I stare after him, this nagging, clawing sensation inside me, acid burning in my belly that has nothing to do with Luke right now. He’s giving me space, and it’s one of those moments where I’m reminded that yes, Luke pushes me, and in all kinds of ways, but he pays attention too, he reads my limits. He doesn’t even make me push back. He just seems to know when to allow me a moment to breathe.
Like now.
Of course, maybe he too hesitates to lose all that we were in that shower tonight, in trade for a more combative version of the us we have become. I actually hope there is truth in that assessment, as it means he does love me, he does want to hold onto me. Not that I really doubt that he does, but sometimes, as we’ve both said at one point or another, since Kasey died, love is not enough.
I grab the bag, focused on one thing. Not being naked emotionally and physically with Luke. I can’t fix the emotional part but I can fix the physical part. I dress quickly and hurry into the bathroom to dry my hair. My mind is blank. It’s a survival thing, something my stepfather taught me, something I used a little too well sometimes. It’s how I survived what happened to Darius tonight. It’s how I watched a teenage boy die in my arms one cold night in December when he got in the line of fire of a gang shooting on his bicycle. I find a place to store the poison pill of the moment and deal with it at the right time, in the right place.
We both have to be alive for his words to matter, I remind myself yet again.
He’s so right. I want us both to live. I don’t want anyone else to die, so whatever it is I resist, whatever the discomfort to me, does not matter.
I walk to the door and step into the room. Luke is sitting on the bed, looking every bit the delicious specimen of a man who always manages to get me wet and wanting by just existing. He’s dressed in a T-shirt and sweats, the cotton of the tee stretched to the limit, his muscles bulging beneath.
Damp strands of longish blond hair tease his brow, accenting the chiseled line of his jaw, while his blue eyes are probing as they watch me.
“What do you know that I don’t know, Ana?”
I hug myself. “Nothing.” And yet, I was in that bathroom, avoiding this conversation, he’s thinking. And so am I. “Nothing,” I say again, but I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince him or me.
“Ana—”
“I don’t know, Luke,” I say, pressing my hand to my forehead. “And I don’t think I want to know.”
He pushes to his feet, this powerful figure that has always made me feel like he was strong as steel, and I am strong without him and stronger with him by my side. And despite the uncertainty between us, I am stronger with him here right now. He steps in front of me, his hands settling on my shoulders. “Your head is where mine’s at, too.”
“No, my head is not anywhere outside of that shower with you, Luke. Other than that, I’m doing that blackout thing Kurt taught me to do. Because you know it’s an easy crutch to use outside combat when you want to avoid something.”
“Yes,” he agrees solemnly. “Yes, it is, but we both know we can’t do that right now. People—”
“Are dead,” I say. “I know. I do.” I wet my lips. “Very few people would be comfortable standing against us at my father’s place.”
“Agreed.” His expression tightens. “It’s almost as if these people know the place as well as you, Kasey, or Kurt. Ana, don’t you think the way Kurt handled his will was strange?”
An explosion of emotions overcomes me and I twist out of his arms, giving him my back and placing distance between us. I whirl around to face him. “Do not go where you’re going right now,” I bite out. “Do not. I inherit when I come of age.”
“You don’t even know if there’s anything to inherit. He left Kasey with nothing. What if he left Kasey with enemies and debt to those enemies? I was paying him damn well, baby. It makes no sense that he was desperate enough to hold a gun to the head of a princess, or anyone for that matter. He would have killed her and me that day had I not killed him.”
“I know you killed him. Do you have to talk about it that openly?”
“Baby, the only way we get answers is to talk frankly and figure this out.”
“That doesn’t require you openly talking about killing Kasey.”
“You think hiding from it makes us survive this?”
“No. No, I don’t think we survive this.”
“Really, Ana? All that has happened between us, and that’s your position on us?”
“Yes. No. No.” I swallow against this tight, choking sensation in my throat. “I don’t want us to crash and burn. I don’t. I know you know that.” My teeth worry my bottom lip and despite the badass FBI agent that I’m supposed to be, my eyes burn with unshed tears. “I don’t. Just—say what you’re thinking please.”
“You didn’t inherit from Kurt and neither did Kasey. This threat we’re dealing with hits close to home. You know you always follow the money.”
“You think they were dirty?”
“Do you?”
“Kasey found trouble, but Kurt made tons of money.”
“Kurt’s final affairs don’t add up, Ana.” He doesn’t give me time to get defensive. “Which brings me to Trevor. At the very least, I wonder if Trevor didn’t have something to do with Kurt’s death. And Ana, Trevor was working with Kasey.”
My reaction is an instant shove and push, everything inside me exploding in rejection. “You think Kasey had something to do with Kurt’s death? Are you serious right now, Luke? Really? He was on a mission. Kasey wasn’t a part of that. My brother loved Kurt. He loved him.”
“Kasey wasn’t the man you wanted him to be.”
“You think I don’t know that?” I snap back.
“You didn’t see him hold that gun to an innocent woman’s head with every intention of killing her, Ana. He was not the man you wanted him to be.”
“You just said that. Once was enough.”
“There’s another option. One I need you to think about and think about hard.”
“What would that be?”
“Kurt was in the business of training people capable of being killers—”
“Like you?” I challenge, and the words are out before I can pull them back.
His expression turns stony, his voice icy. “And you, Ana, but that’s not really the point. He could have gotten in bed with the wrong people and couldn’t get out.”
“With what purpose?”
“It could have been that he was being blackmailed, or that he gambled on something that went south and he needed the money.I’ll only do it once is how it all starts.”
“We both know you know that for a fact.” I’m speaking of all the kills he performed for the US government, but I’m being petty, I think immediately after. He hates what he let himself become. I know he does. “Luke, I’m sorry,” I add quickly. “Forget I just said that. I’m just—”
“Speaking what’s in your mind, baby. At least you finally said it. There was a reason you didn’t date the men your stepfather trained.”
I move toward him and he holds up a hand. “No. Let’s say what needs to be said. Kurt was as human as I am. He made mistakes. We need to know if any of them led us here, right now.”
“He was dead before Kasey got into trouble.”
“Unless he wasn’t. Kasey might have inherited the trouble and even a debt that forced him on the path he was on. He hated me. You’re an FBI agent. Who was he going to go to? You need to know that I asked Blake to do a deep dive into Kurt’s life and death. If there’s anything there to find, he’ll find it. And I’m asking you to put on your FBI hat and think hard about observations you may have made. Because even if we kill everyone who shows up at your property five days from now, we only kill the body of the best, not the brains.” He turns and walks toward the door, and my heart crashes and burns right inside my chest.
“Where are you going?”
He pauses with his hand on the knob, but he doesn’t turn. “You need time to think, Ana. About a lot of things.”
With that, he opens the door and leaves. When he shuts it solidly behind him, I feel as if we lost every step forward we’ve taken. I also realize that when we were in the shower earlier, I was reeling over him telling me we aren’t married, feeling slapped and shamed. When he told me he loved me, I didn’t say it back. And I do, more than life itself. I’m just not sure if he even cares, not after the horrible things I said to him.
Could I screw this up any more?