Light Me Up

THEO

I’d avoidedSara for a couple days. I told myself I needed to focus on work, do some stuff around my apartment, but really, I was just being a pansy ass.

As I sat in my office on Wednesday morning, the thoughts continued to flood my brain. I couldn’t deny that her rejection of me—of us—made perfect sense. But it still felt like just that—a rejection. And I wasn’t used to caring about rejection, hell I wasn’t used to being rejected much.

It became clear that avoiding her couldn’t stop me from avoiding the thoughts or the questions. Why did I suddenly kiss her in the first place? Why couldn’t I stop myself from going to see her in the garage that night? And why did I care so much about her rejecting me at all? It’s not like I even wanted a relationship. And while Sara had done her share of casual dating, she was not a one-night-stand person like me.

None of this was bound to work. She knew it. I knew it. But why couldn’t I move on? That was the question that’d been echoing through my mind these past few days.

The harsh ring of my cell phone startled me from my Sara mind-loop. I glanced down at the screen, then reluctantly answered.

“Hey Mom.”

“Ah, so he is alive. Good to know.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around for a couple weeks. Work has been crazy.”

“I know, I know. Just giving you shit like always.” I laughed at my mom’s lack of a filter. “How’d Sam’s engagement party go? I’m sorry I missed it.”

Flashes of Sara hit me. Her mouth open, eyes closed, muscles taught as she rode out the orgasm that I gave her. It made my cock twitch, but then my mom called my name again and that settled the issue real quick.

“Sorry, um yeah, it was great. Good food, good drinks, happy time. We missed you though. You doing all right?” Mom had recently had knee replacement surgery and she was walking again, but still didn’t get around like she used to. And suddenly I felt like a shit son for not going to check on her. I knew she was taken care of, her boyfriend Rod had moved in last year and treated her like a damn queen. But it was still no excuse.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Sick of this damn walker, though.”

“I bet. How about I come around tomorrow night and bring some dinner? Lobster rolls from Landry’s?”

“Well, as long as you’re not too busy for your old mother, I suppose that’d be fine.”

“Yeah yeah, you wench. I’ll see you then.” Her bark of laughter came through the speaker loud and clear.

“Alright, Sheriff. Be here by seven, I have shows to watch after that.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

I punched the ‘end call’ button. My mom and I had always had a close relationship. It was just the two of us when I was growing up. My dad had left when I was a toddler and I didn’t remember much about him. But she’d always been there, playing both roles of mom and dad better than anyone I knew.

The pang of guilt I felt for being “too busy” lately, hit me harder. Yeah, I was busy as hell with work. Running this department correctly was way more work than I expected. I’d often racked up over sixty hours per week when all was said and done. But I wasn’t too busy for dates. I wasn’t too busy to have beers with the guys at the pub once or twice a week. Fuck. Was this what I was really doing with my life? Working myself to the bone and overlooking the people that meant the most to me?

I looked around me at the empty gray walls, stark and blank. No personalization, no photos of family or friends, no memories to show off or keep me motivated on hard days like the other officers had. I was living a kind of half life. Work and play but nothing real or worthwhile.

The other question that had been swirling around my mind since my first kiss with Sara came into view again. Did I want more? And it got me thinking, not just more with her. More out of life? A real life? A house, a family, a settled-down image?

Maybe it was time for that. It scared the hell out of me, but so did the idea of growing older and having nothing but my career to show for it. Sam was getting married and he was happy as hell. My mom had never been happier now she had Rod in her life. I’d been running from relationships for as long as I could remember, but maybe, just maybe, I was closer to being ready for one.

I scrubbed a hand over my face and leaned back in my chair. The whole reason I’d avoided entanglements was to keep my life easy and my mind clear. And now, I couldn’t go more than a couple minutes without thinking about what I was doing wrong. My mind was certainly not clear. It was full of these questions, these scenarios.

It was full of Sara.

Maybe I just had to get her out of my system. If she wasn’t interested in sleeping with me, I could at least bait her into telling me off like she used to. Have a good friendly argument. It might set things straight, return to the natural order of things.

I glanced at the clock on the wall and saw it was past lunchtime but I’d missed it. Maybe I’d go grab something from the hippie. Because no matter where my head was at, I couldn’t very well keep avoiding her. This town was too small for that.

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