Light Me Up

“Sara, what’s going on?”

“It’s hard for me to talk about. It’s something I’ve tried to put behind me.”

Theo got up to pace the room now and I noted how similar it was to my own actions just thirty minutes ago. Only instead of being nervous, he looked upset. Angry. But when he spoke, I was surprised at how gentle he was.

“Okay. I get whatever this is, is hard for you to talk about. You’ve always been quiet about your past. But if this thing today is involved in something from your past, you do need to talk about it.” He sat back down in the chair and grabbed my hand, rubbing his thumb over my palm. “You need to tell me everything. It’s the only way I can help you.”

Looking at our hands, I nodded. He was right. But the idea of opening up about something so traumatic kept my throat closed up.

Would he judge me? Would he even be able to help? As much as I sparred with him, I knew Theo was a great sheriff. But these people… they weren’t your average criminals.

“I don’t know where to begin.”

He squeezed my hand and sat back, letting me take my time. And maybe that’s what helped the words flow.

“When I was eighteen, I met this older guy.”

Theo’s face grew dark, as if worried where this was going. He was right to be. But I continued.

“He was sweet at first. Manly, I thought. I was so young but he made me feel grown up. I guess it was a way to rebel against my mama. She’s…very religious. A classic southern baptist. And I knew I didn’t fit the mold.

“Anyway, Billy asked me out, fresh out of high school. We started dating. Mama hated him but tried to not push me away. And he was charming enough, at first. Especially with her. Got her to trust him enough to let us spend more time together. A year later, I was practically living with him. Not officially, but I spent all my time at his place. And it became like…a job for me.”

“A job?”

“Taking care of him. Like a housewife, I guess, only we weren’t married.” I laughed at Theo’s expression, but it came out too sharp and unsteady. “I know, can you imagine me like that?”

“Not at all.”

“Well, at first, I just wanted to please him. He made me feel special, told me how much he loved me, got me gifts, let me drive his nice car. I don’t care about that sort of thing and I didn’t back then either, but I was young and impressionable. I knew he cared about that stuff so it made me think ‘boy, he must really think I’m special.’”

“He love-bombed you.”

I looked up, surprised Theo even knew that expression. But I guess I shouldn’t have been. Theo was smarter and more thoughtful than I gave him credit for. I nodded.

“What was a fairytale start to things soon became a nightmare. He became controlling. Demanding. I’d moved in officially, thinking that he’d see how committed I was to him and loosen up a little, but—shocker—it made things worse. It was like I had no choice about my life anymore. And before you ask, yes I know I should have left, but… it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it.”

My hands fidgeted, my knees bounced, as the uncomfortable feeling that came along with reliving this overtook me. But I was determined to finish now that I’d started.

“I’d become a shell of myself, scared of what he would do if I tried to leave. Mama and I had grown apart and I thought she wouldn’t want me back with her, I thought I had nowhere to go. Plus, I was stubborn. I thought I’d be able to fix him. Fix us. I could make everything okay.”

“That’s a lot of weight for one young girl’s shoulders to bear,” Theo said, shifting in his seat.

“It sure was.” I sighed, knowing I had to get to the important part. “Billy worked as a mechanic at his cousin Mitt’s shop. I didn’t know anything about cars or how much mechanics made. I rarely ever even went to his work. But about a year after I moved in, Billy started slipping up. Getting careless with his activities. I knew he did drugs sometimes, but I never questioned him because I knew he’d just get angry.

“He started leaving piles of cash around. More cash than I had ever been used to seeing. Strange men would come to the house in the middle of the night. Sometimes Billy would leave with them. One day, when I was organizing the garage, I found a bin filled with guns. Not just a couple. Not just handguns. Big ones. Automatic weapons.”

“Shit. What was he into?”

“I didn’t know at first. He never expected me to find those, so I acted like I hadn’t. I was terrified, I knew how angry he could get sometimes. But it confirmed what I’d suspected… he was involved in something bad.

“I started looking into things. But I had to be quiet about it because I knew I couldn’t trust anyone. I had no friends anymore at this point, everyone I knew was connected to him. He didn’t want me visiting Mama. I felt so stuck.”

Theo rose from his chair and started pacing, his hands balled into fists.

“Eventually, I was able to befriend one of his cousin’s girlfriends and she was a talker. I let her think I knew more than I did. And boy, did she talk. It turned out, all the cousins worked for Mitt because it was a front. They did work as mechanics, but it was a chop shop, too. They stole, they resold parts. The real money though, was in boosting high-value cars. Until they started running drugs.”

“Shit.”

“That put them in league with a lot of dangerous people. Gangs, cartels… they worked with anyone who needed transport and could pay. Atlanta is a major hub apparently. But I didn’t know about any of that. I was just a kid, really.”

“God, Sara. I hate that you were trapped like that.”

I nodded at him, but couldn’t stop to think about how painful it had been, how sad and scared I was. I needed to get the rest of the story out before I lost my nerve.

“Eventually, Billy found out I knew. I guess he’d never planned on telling me about his real business because he was just so angry. He woke me up one night. Held a gun to my head and reminded me that I was his and he could do what he wanted with me. And that I’d better keep my mouth shut about anything I thought I knew.”

Theo’s jaw clenched and his face was hostile with rage.

“Where is this Billy now?”

I held up a hand.

“Billy made a stupid mistake one day.”