Light Me Up

“I’m just trying to do my job, Sara.”

“And once again, your job directly conflicts with everything I care about.”

I was angry, and felt a fit coming on. I wanted to yell at him, I wanted to pound my fists against the wall, I wanted to scream until my throat was sore. And it had nothing to do with the Coastal League.

Theo stepped toward me and dipped his head down to look me in the eyes.

“That’s not true and you know it.”

The tears came then, flooding my eyes and flowing in two streams down my cheeks.

“I hate that this is all happening.”

He tried to pull me to him but I held up a hand. I didn’t want to be touched right then. I ignored the hurt look in his eyes and turned away so that I could take a breath without feeling even more guilty.

In truth, I didn’t know what I was feeling. It was like a hurricane of emotion swirling around me, battering me down with each step I took into the wind. I was angry, and sad, and scared. And then on the other hand, I was elated every time I felt Theo’s touch. I was giddy with anticipation. And I was feeling the first blooms of love but it terrified me almost as much as the threats.

I didn’t want to turn back into that girl I was all those years ago. And I didn’t know how to embrace love and stay strong. So I let the anger take over me because that was the easiest emotion to single out in the storm.

“Can I leave now?” I asked, still facing the wall.

“You’re not going anywhere by yourself.”

That got me to turn around.

“What, am I under arrest? I did things your way, I let you have your power and it’s done nothing. You can’t control what I do.”

“No I damn well can’t, but you’d think with someone crazy out there who threatened to kill you, you’d want someone looking out for you.” He exhaled in frustration, but then softened his voice. “I know you’re dealing with a lot. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like reliving this all over again. I’m not trying to get in your way and make it harder.”

He reached out, tentatively, and tucked a curl behind my ear. It was all I could do to not meet his eyes. Because I’d surely be a goner then. And I wasn’t ready for that. I was being stubborn, and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop it now.

“I just want to keep you safe.”

I nodded, still not looking at him.

“Can you take me home then? If you insist on staying, fine, but I just want to be alone.” My face tried to contort with a sob, but I did my best to school my features. It didn’t work one iota. But my bullheadedness didn’t care.

His hand fell back to his side and he cleared his throat.

“Yeah, of course.”

The truck was quiet on the drive, neither of us saying a word. And as I looked out the window, I couldn’t help but think, why, even with a killer after me, was I insistent upon being my own worst enemy?