"Stop," I plead. "You're making it worse. I'm trying really hard here, and you're not helping."
Ashton snorts. "I've never seen anything like it. It's like you can't function. I noticed earlier today when we were at the ninth."
I close my eyes in mortification at her reference to how I tripped over my own feet when Grant came out of the ninth hole shack with two huge bags of ice hefted onto his shoulders. I nearly fell face first but caught myself last minute. It's not like he was shirtless or anything either. I tried to convince myself it was because I was expecting to see Rhett, and was just surprised when it was him. But that wasn't the truth.
"And again when we were clocking out."
I literally lost my voice when he spoke to me as we were leaving for the day. He said, "Nice to meet you, Lana." That's it. That simple. And I was a fish, gasping for air. What the hell?!
I become this pathetic, swoony puddle of a girl whenever he's within five feet of me, and I'm about to drown myself in the hot tub to make it stop.
"I swear to you, I'm never like this. I have no idea what's wrong with me."
"What are you talking about?" Kaely asks, looking between us to try to get in on the conversation.
I glare Ashton into silence.
"Lana has a ... phobia," Ashton fibs with a huge, taunting smile on her face. "But I think you should face your fear head-on. It's not nearly as scary as you think."
"What's your phobia?" Kaely asks, really wanting to be included.
I'm not trying to exclude her purposely. But I don't really know her, and this, whatever it is, isn't something I want to talk about--with anyone. So I say the most honest thing I can. "Love."
Ashton loses it. Completely. She has to cover her nose to keep the champagne from shooting out of it.
"Stop it," I scorn. "It has nothing to do with him. I really fear falling in love. I was being honest."
"Really?" a male voice asks from the corner of the hot tub, right next to me.
Ashton's eyes become the size of full moons when she sees who overheard me. And now I'm terrified to look.
I feel a knee inadvertently bump mine. I slowly turn and come face-to ... shoulder with Grant, sitting on the deck with his feet lowered in the hot tub like ours. I think I will drown myself now.
"You've never been in love?"
"No."
"How can you be afraid of something you've never experienced?" He peers intently into my eyes, like he'll find the answers there. I don't blink. My mouth is dry. And breathing takes effort.
"I learn from other people's mistakes. And I've watched as they let themselves fall for the wrong person over and over again." I'm surprised my voice sounds strong despite the wheezing sensation happening in my chest.
"But what if it's the right person?"
"You only think it's the right person, until they become the wrong one." My voice is even stronger, like it's outside of my floundering body. Even I'm surprised by its conviction.
His mouth twitches in amusement. "You never know unless you try."
"Love isn't a game that you try and receive a pat on the back when you fail. It's too big of a risk. I'd have to be an idiot to fall in love. No way I'll ever do it." I swallow hard. There's something causing the truth to slip too easily from my mouth. I'm never this honest with my beliefs.
"Ever?"
"Never." I can't feel a single inch of my body, completely lost in his unblinking gaze.
He nods in contemplation, allowing the strength of my conviction to sink in.
I sling back the rest of my drink and heft myself onto my feet. "I need another drink. Do you Ashton?"
Ashton and Kaely are staring at me with big, round, anime expressions. Ashton snaps out of it first. "Yes. I'm dying for another drink. Kaely, come on."