Forsaken Desires (The Deepest Desires 2)

chapter twenty-five

Knox

“I’ve lost my goddamn mind, Katie!”

“Hello, to you too, Knox,” she exclaims casually, walking into my room and shutting the door.

I texted her this morning when I woke up and asked her to come over, because she’s the only one I’m comfortable talking to about this shit. Yes, Weston knows, since he walked in on us, but we haven’t spoken about it at all, and I don’t really plan to change that. I’m confused as fuck and until I get a handle on my emotions and what it is exactly that I want, I’d rather keep it under wraps.

Groaning, I cover my face with my arm while Katie comes and lies beside me. “What’s going on?” she asks softly, nudging my arm with hers.

“Something happened.”

“Okay… are you going to elaborate, or should I start throwing out guesses?”

“Katie,” I grumble, moving my arm away from my eye to point her with a glare.

“Okay, okay. Spill.”

“I, uh… I kind of… spent the night at Aston’s last night.”

“What?!” she whisper-shouts, slapping the side of my leg. “Knox Oliver Finnegan! Tell me everything.”

“Oh my fuck, Katie!” I bury my face deeper into the crook of my elbow, praying the ground swallows me whole.

“Come on, dude. You called me over here for a reason. Spill.”

I’m fully regretting my decision to call her over now, because the idea of telling her anything that happened last night makes me want to fucking die. I sit up and say it before I can think too hard about it. “We fucked, okay!”

As I say that, Katie actually fucking chokes on her own spit and starts coughing. Fuck my life.

“You fucked?”

“Yes, Katie. That’s what I fucking said.”

“Like… you fucked him or—”

“Oh my God, Katie!” I hop off the bed like it burned me and turn to face her. “No, he fucked me. Is that what you want to hear?”

Silence.

Complete and utter silence is what I’m met with. Her face turns bright fucking red, like she’s the one who just admitted to having gay sex the night before. Her silence is causing my panic levels to rise. I’m freaking out.

Pacing in front of my bed, my mind is spinning, and I feel like I could puke.

Vaguely, I’m aware of Katie getting off the bed and walking toward me, but I can’t pay her any attention. I fucked up. So fucking bad.

Why did I do this?

Why would I let this happen?

Katie stops me from pacing, putting her hands on my shoulders, trying to get my attention. It’s no use, though. I feel like I’m going to faint.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

A sharp, stinging sensation blossoms on the side of my face, my hand automatically going up to cup my cheek. Looking at Katie, I am stunned. “You fucking slapped me?”

What the fuck is with everyone slapping me?!

Standing up straight and squaring her shoulders, she casually replies, “Yes, I did. You were freaking the fuck out, and I didn’t know how to bring you back to earth. Sit.” She indicates the bed beside us, and I’m too shocked to do anything other than what she ordered me to.

Sitting down too, she faces me on the bed, criss-cross-applesauce. Apprehensively, I meet her gaze, and she offers me a cautious smile.

“Talk to me, Knox.”

“I fucked up, Katie. I fucked up, and I think… I think I actually have feelings for him.”

“Honey,” she says, reaching out and squeezing my knee. “This isn’t a bad thing. It’s okay to have feelings for someone. It doesn’t mean you fucked up.”

“It does if you’re me.”

“Why?”

“He’s a man, Katie. A fucking guy!”

“Knox, I’m well aware that Aston is a guy. You’re being so hard on yourself. Having feelings for a man doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“You don’t fucking get it.”

“So, explain it to me, Knox. I’ll never get it or be able to help you through this if you don’t open up to me. I’m not going to judge you. I’m not going to shun you or shame you. I love you and want to be here for you. Let me.” I swallow the lump in my throat, really not sure how I’m about to do this. If I didn’t already feel sick, the thought of being honest with anyone about this would do the job.

“Fine, but just know… you asked.”

“I’m right here and nothing you say will make me look at you differently.”

Letting out a large, shaky breath, I begin. “Growing up, I was always told being gay is wrong, disgusting, unnatural. It wasn’t like those heavy religious families who believe homosexuality is a sin. Nah, it was simply because my dad, his dad, his dad’s dad, are all bigots. Anyway, when I was a teenager, my dad caught me looking at gay porn. I was confused and curious, so I watched it. And liked it.”

Looking over at her, her face shows nothing. No judgment, no disgust. So, I continue. “It wasn’t the first time I’d masturbated, obviously, but it was the first time I felt those types of feelings. I started watching it a lot, and eventually, my dad saw the videos in our browser history. He confronted me, like the drunk asshole he is, and I didn’t bother denying it. He had this brilliant idea to ‘fix’ me… said he was going to screw the gay away, as if that was a thing.” I take another breath, not sure if I’ll be able to get through the next part.

“He brought over this woman. Tori was her name. Looking back, I know she was a hooker, but I didn’t know that at the time. She smelled like cheap perfume and stale cigarettes. I was a virgin at the time.”

“Knox,” Katie whispers, tears filling her eyes. “How old was this woman?”

“I have no clue. If I had to guess, probably, twenty-five?”

“And you were, how old?”

“Fourteen.”

“Keep going,” she urges me, her hand never leaving my knee.

“He basically forced this woman on me. When I tried to say no, he slapped me so fucking hard, my lip split, and told me to stop being a faggot. Told me any real man would love the opportunity to fuck a woman like Tori. He sat in the corner the entire time, not necessarily watching, but observing, to make sure I went through with it.

“When it was done, she left after he gave her a wad of cash. She came back a couple of other times, and it was the same scenario. There were also the times he would sit me down in his office and he’d test me,” I say, using finger quotations around the last two words. “He’d put on gay porn and if I popped a boner at all, he’d—” I choke on the last part.

“He’d what, Knox? It’s okay, you can tell me.”

When I speak again, my voice is small, barely above a whisper, and pained. “He’d burn me. If I got aroused watching gay porn, he’d burn me with his cigarettes.” It isn’t until droplets land on my hand that I realize my cheeks are wet and tears are falling freely from my eyes.

I’m fucking crying like a bitch because of this asshole. That pisses me off more than the memory ever could.

Before I can comprehend what’s happening, Katie has her arms wrapped around me tight, rubbing soothing circles on my back, with my head on her shoulder. Her soft sniffles give way to her own tears, and I wrap my arms around her, reciprocating the hug.

I’m not sure how long we sit there, embraced like that, but eventually she pulls back slightly to look me in the eye. Her eyes are red and misty, probably matching mine, and she dries my cheeks with her warm, dainty hands.

“You listen to me, Knox,” she says, never breaking eye contact. “What he did is fucked up, you hear me? He isn’t a real parent; he’s a monster, and I want to kill him on your behalf. There is nothing wrong with you, Knox. You are perfect the way you are. Being attracted to men doesn’t make you disgusting or unnatural. It makes you fucking human. We love who we love, we are attracted to who we’re attracted to, and that’s okay. What he did to you isn’t a reflection of you. I need you to really hear me, Knox. What he did to you is a reflection of him and his own issues. There is nothing wrong with your feelings toward Aston.”

She wipes my face again, then wipes her own. Looking at me with unsure eyes, she asks something I can tell she doesn’t want to. “The scars on your arm… from him?”

I knew this was coming, but I’m still nowhere near ready for it. At this point, there is no reason for me to lie. I’ve already told her the worst part of it, so lying would be dumb.

“Some of them are. Some of them are from myself.” Looking over at her, her bottom lip quivers ever so slightly, but she bites it, trying not to show it.

“Why?”

“I don’t expect you to understand it, Katie, but it’s sometimes the only outlet I know. When my head won’t shut the fuck up, when I feel things I don’t know how to process, it’s the only thing I can do to calm it all. The physical pain takes away from the noise inside my head. It quiets my demons.”

“My heart hurts for you, Knox. Please don’t do that to yourself anymore. Come to me. I’ll do anything I can to help quiet your mind. Just please don’t hurt yourself.”

Not really knowing what to say to that, because I’m not sure that’s a promise I can make, I subtly change the subject. “C’mon, let’s lay down. My head hurts from all this.”

Getting under the covers, she curls up behind me, arms wrapped tight. She falls asleep first, but I’m not far behind. A metaphorical weight has been lifted off my shoulders by telling her this, and I feel lighter than I have in years. Like I can breathe deeper and like things might actually be okay eventually, even if they don’t make sense right now.