MICAH
I love days like this.Days when I kick back with my best friend and enjoy the outdoors. Hanging with Gavin equals time at the beach. The sun heats our skin while the sand sticks to it. Coconut and brine float in the air. And bodies fill every possible open space between the seagrasses and surf.
Just like old times. When life was less complicated and stressful.
I need more days like today.
Gavin said we should hit the beach. And wherever Gavin goes, so does Cora. Who called and invited Shelly—which is no big shake. Definitely like old times.
When Gavin flew back to the Bay Area last year for work, I knew shit would go down with him and Cora. With how they left things when his parents moved him to California, I expected shit to blow up. But sometimes, life works out when two people are meant to be together.
Maybe I will get lucky one day and find the one.
Gavin and Cora just click. They did from the very beginning. The ease of their relationship annoyed me. Hell, it still annoys me. Because I never found a parallel bond with a woman. Never shared a connection so deep, I felt lost without my other half.
My envy knows no bounds. And now that they are married, envy is too small a term for what I feel regarding their relationship. It isn’t fair to begrudge my friend for finding love and happiness.
At one point, I thought Rochelle was the one. The woman I would ring shop for and get her name branded over my heart. The woman to make me say I do, invite friends over for game nights, and grow old and gray with in rockers on the porch.
Unfortunately, I saw Rochelle with blinders on.
Rochelle sought me out. Approached me. Brought up the conversation of a more serious relationship first. And I fell for each crumb she tossed at my feet. I never suspected a woman of her maturity level would treat me with such juvenile tendencies. Would stoop to such low-level actions. In my bed, no less.
All thanks to Rochelle, I now have an issue seeing women as anything other than a means to an end. Sexual gratification. A temporary fix to what ails me. A warm place to stick my dick when the loneliness peaks.
And I fucking hate it.
I don’t want to see women as objects. I don’t want people to look at my sister like she is good for one act and disposable otherwise. But after trusting a woman with my heart, I fear putting it out there so freely again. Fear the vulnerability of fully exposing myself. Fear another woman crushing my heart when she tires of me and moves on.
I glance at Gavin, my best friend of nearly twenty years, and notice how he eyes Cora. His observation isn’t territorial. He has her heart, and she has his. No, his fixed gaze is more a fear of what he will miss if he looks away.
That is the type of love I want. Where you don’t take your eyes off one another because you can’t bear to miss a moment.
While Cora and Shelly swim, I opt to ask the questions I don’t want the girls to razz me over.
“So,” I say, and Gavin breaks contact with Cora to face me. “How’s married life? Tired of each other yet?”
Gavin tips his head back and chuckles. “I will never tire of her, bro. Never.” He pauses to look at his wife briefly. “But things are different than before.”
Hmm, color me intrigued. “How so?”
He purses his lips and takes a deep breath. “Guess the best way to describe it is we’re the same as before, but also new.”
Now, I laugh. “Yeah, that explains nothing, my cryptic friend.”
“Sorry.” He shrugs. “When Cora and I first met, we lived in a fantasy world. Yes, we were madly in love. Although teenage love is intense and all-consuming, you’re blind to what happens after high school. College, moving out, the weird phase of wanting to experience life on your own.” He pauses and shakes his head. “We skipped all that. And tons of relationships don’t survive those years post high school.”
“So, you think you and Cora would’ve split after high school?”
He stares out at the water and watches Cora as she laughs with Shelly before returning his gaze. “No, I don’t think so. But we wouldn’t appreciate each other the way we do now. Thirteen years apart really fucked with both of us. We never forgot each other. But we remembered each other differently. I missed her, but the years of resentment I held for my parents painted the memories differently. Cora had no one to hate but me. And even then, she only hated me on the surface.”
Yeah, I definitely envy my best friend. None of the girls from school were “forever” material. They all thought their shit didn’t stink. They were either too consumed with themselves or had ugly personalities.
“How did that translate into how things are now?”
“Neither of us wanted a serious relationship with anyone but each other. Sure, our reunion wasn’t pretty. But we had a lot of pain to hash out. And I deserved to feel every ounce of her pain. I fucked up, man. I left her when I said I never would. Instead of finding a solution, I took the easy way out.” He presses his hand to her name tattooed on his chest. “Her pain is my pain, bro. Plain and simple. And I’ll never intentionally cause her pain again.”
God, I want to talk to Gavin about my own shitty love life. Or lack thereof. Neither of us is an expert. No one is an expert when it comes to love. But maybe he can steer me in the right direction with advice.
Great as it is to experience life and all it has to offer; variety isn’t always what it is cracked up to be.
Part of me longs for the comfort that comes with being in a monogamous relationship. Getting to know someone on a deeper level. Seeing the world through their eyes. Evolving with the same person. I don’t envision children or gray hair at this stage—I am not that far ahead.
But I do see the same person at my side, day after day. Waking up with the same woman in my arms. Wrapping my arms around her and hugging her close. Kissing her ear, her neck, her shoulder. Loving her—not just physically, but in all aspects of life.
At thirty-two, though, I feel like time doesn’t weigh in my favor. And I have no clue how to remedy the situation.
“Can I ask you something?”