Trek

“Not in the least. I know I’m covered if I need to be,” he says, walking through the small living room and into the kitchen. I watch him open the fridge and pull out two beers before coming back over to me.

“Why did you bring me here?”

“I figured you could use a little time, too,” Trek's words cause tears to fill my eyes. I take the beer he offers and drop to the couch, looking around.

“You don’t have to overthink shit here. We can just hang out and watch a movie. Whatever you want.”

“Thank you, Trek.”

“You’re welcome.” He flicks on the TV, picks a movie, and sits back with his beer. Of course, it’s an action movie. I find myself smiling at the cheesy action, but he was right. This is nice. I like the clubhouse just fine, but there are always people around, and it can get a little overwhelming.

“You hungry? You wanna order food?” I’m hungry but not for food. I almost feel bad about how much I’ve been using him for sex, but it calms me. It makes me feel normal or what my normal is. I don’t know what real normal is anymore. I don’t know how to function without sex. A part of me hates myself for it too. I hate that it’s the only way I can feel some sense of normalcy.

“You want sex?” he asks when I don’t answer him.

“I hate that I feel this way,” I tell him.

“Don’t. Don’t do that. You do what you need to do to move past what happened to you.”

“But I should hate it, shouldn’t I? The one thing I was forced into?”

“We all react differently. You just do things your way and let others handle it theirs, Heidi. Don’t be ashamed of what you need,” he says. But I am. I feel like all I want to do with him is have sex. Maybe it’s the man himself. I don’t know. I don’t know what I feel anymore.

“Can I use your bathroom?” He nods and stands, leading me down the hall before showing me to the bathroom. I step inside and close the door, turning on the water before pulling my pants down. Maybe I don’t need him. Maybe I don’t need sex from him. I can do it myself. I can get myself off, and then I won’t feel so bad about using him.