Homeless Heart

Chapter 46

Phin

I stood, unable to breathe. Lizzie's hand was the only thing tethering me to the world. Lizzie had to ring the door bell. The sound was weird, I usually would have let myself in, but I no longer had a key. I was a stranger in this house. I'd always been a stranger here. The door jerked open, and I was shocked that my mother had been the one on the other side of the entry. My mother never answered the door; she had people to do that for her.

"Phineas and Elizabeth, come in. Thank you for coming." My mother's indifferent expression was unreadable, which didn't help settle my nerves. Standing here at the threshold of the house that held so many bad memories, trying to move, my feet were cemented to the ground. Bile raised in my throat at the place I'd sworn never to return to, to help a man who I swore never to speak to again. Right now, in front of me, wasn't that woman who was always well-dressed and in command of any room. This woman if I passed her on the street, I might not recognize her. She was uncharacteristically wearing cashmere lounging clothes. I'd never seen her in anything but a Chanel suit and heels in my entire life. Her hair was down resting on her shoulders, not up high in her usual chignon. Having her not in her "uniform" was a little unsettling.

"Come in," she directed us.

We followed her, and I realized nothing had changed since I left. Not one thing was different not even the throw pillows. My mother led us into the formal sitting room that no one ever used, and we all sat down. The silence in the house was almost deafening until the chimes of the large dark wood grandfather clock in the corner of the room went off, reminding me of those nights my father beat me. Often, he timed the lashes with the chimes. The clock was a family heirloom that my father was always fussing over, making sure it was wound every day. The frantic way he obsessively cared for it often made me jealous. Looking at it now, it was just a reminder of how slowly time passed when I lived here. My mother asked if we'd like a drink and we agreed to have some coffee. A servant appeared almost out of nowhere, and my mother gave her the orders. She sat looking more forlorn than I'd ever seen her in my life, her perfect facade completely demolished in front of me. She sat quietly for a moment. I assume to gain her composure.

"Thank you both for coming today. Phineas, your father, is having a good morning. He knows you are coming, and I think he's been saving up his energy so he can be awake."

I gave her a weak smile. "We're glad he's feeling better today. Thank you for sending the letter, it helped me to decide to come. I am sorry it’s taken so long, but I only read it yesterday. I have some questions for you before I see Father. What do you expect from me? Do you expect me to forget about everything that's happened and pretend that everything is fine? Is he willing to take responsibility for what he did? Are you both looking for me to forgive you?" I peppered her with a long list of questions that Lizzie and I had discussed before we arrived.

Mother sat and stared at her hands. I had to remind myself she was a victim of abuse too. I believe somehow she felt she deserved my father's abuse and unloving relationship. Maybe one day she'd tell me more about it, but right now I needed to take care of me.

"Phineas, your father and I are both to blame, and I can't deny my hand in all this. I appreciate you trying to forgive me, and I hope that one day you will. For me, I don't ever want to forgive myself, it's my burden, and I need to live with it. You should know that we've both been in therapy since you've been gone." She looked down again and reached for a handkerchief sitting next to her on the end table. I still couldn't believe they had both spoken to a stranger about what had happened to me. Maybe they had changed.

Lizzie leaned over and whispered, "Go sit next to her. I think she needs your support." She lightly kissed me on the cheek and gave me a reassuring smile. "Go on."

Moving over to the end of the sofa, I engulfed both of her cold hands in mine and tried to give her some form of comfort. She was a little shocked and looked over at me with a look of confusion on her face.

"I am amazed that you got help. Can you tell me about Father's abuse? I need to understand."

She patted my hand. "Phineas, that is his story to share with you. I hope that he will soon. I am not sure how we managed to create such a warm, generous, and tenderhearted man, but I am so proud that's who you've become."

Lizzie chimed in, "Mrs. Dunbar, you are right you did. I can't believe how fortunate I am that he lets me love him every day. Now we have to do the hard part, Phin needs to see his father and try to get past all his hurt and anger."

A single tear escaped my eye, listening to Lizzie tell my mother how much she loved me always moved me. This woman and I will have some loving, beautiful, tenderhearted kids. There's a chance they might even end up having two sets of grandparents around to spoil them. I cleared my throat, trying to find my voice after that declaration.

"Thanks, Lizzie. She's right, Mother, no point in putting it off."

"Will you take us up?"

"I'll wait for you here."

"I don't think so, Lizzie. You can meet him, and then you can have some coffee with my mother. I want him to meet the woman I plan to marry. You can leave us after, I promise. I've put my big boy panties on today." She giggled at me for using her saying back to her.

"Phineas!" his mother reprimanded.

"Sorry, Mother."

"Fine, I'll go with you. I warn you though, if Mr. Dunbar says anything to you, I don't like, I don't care what's wrong with him, I'll hurt him." Lizzie wasn't holding back saying that for my mother’s benefit more than mine.

"Yes, Lizzie, I understand loud and clear." I couldn't help but smile at her for her love and need to protect me.

"He's in the other master bedroom. Don't be disturbed by all the equipment and the hospital bed. I sleep most nights in a big chair next to his bed, taking care of him when the day nurse goes home."

"Lead the way, Mother. Why don't you get a twenty-four-hour nurse? So, you can have a break?"

"I like taking care of him in the evenings; it's our time together."

The love in my mother's voice catches me off guard. Maybe she had changed?

We walked up to the large marble staircase toward the back of the mansion. As we trudged up each step, the sound of my heartbeat was all I could hear. We reached the end of the hallway and came to a room filled with hospital equipment.

I wasn't prepared for what I saw. My strong and dangerous father now lay in his bed ravaged by cancer, only a shell of a man. I had spent so many nights lying on the cold concrete wishing he'd have died a thousand painful deaths for the beatings and the abuse. Right now, I might want to take it back because he doesn't even deserve this sort of pain. The scars on my back began to itch, reminding me of our past as I moved further into the room. He looked so peaceful with his eyes closed, and I'd never seen that serenity from him in the past.

My mother finally broke the silence and led us closer to the bed. "Darling, Phineas and Elizabeth are here." My father slowly opened his eyes and turned his head toward us. His eyes looked dark and the dark purple circles underneath aged him. He blinked at us a few times, trying to focus.