I just felt, as I still do, that no matter what Kasey did, he was my brother, and being with Luke, the man who took his life, was wrong. But it’s time to admit to myself that being without him feels just as wrong.
Luke turns to me, a question in his eyes that I quickly answer. “I know, of course, I know, now is not the time for this, but later isn’t either if one of us ends up dead. I know I told you I don’t know how to be with you, but I really, really don’t want you to leave again, either. I just needed to say that.”
His eyes burn into mine, seconds ticking by before he pulls me to him, folds me against his warm body, and cups my head. His mouth closes down over mine, his tongue licking long and deep in a stroke I feel in every part of me before he says, “Neither of us is dying tonight. And for the record: you’re not okay, as you claimed, or you’d know that without me saying it. You can deny that later. But just so you know, I am okay. But I haven’t been, not one moment I was away from you. Now let’s get the hell out of here.”
His words wash away shards of my broken heart, but there are so many broken pieces I fear will never mend, not for me or him. For the moment, I simply hold onto him in every way possible and nod my agreement. He opens the door and captures my hand, and unbidden, when I should be focused on safety first, I’m transported back to our first date. We’d exited the restaurant and he’d caught my fingers in his and then turned me to face him. “I’ve never been the hand-holding kind of guy, Ana.”
“But you’re holding mine?” I ask, not sure where he was going with this.
“Not because I want to hold you to me. Not because I think you need protection, you’ve proven you can bring me to my knees,” he laughs. I laugh and he adds, “I just want to. It’s the damnedest thing.”
Luke’s touch brings me back to the present as he leads me down the stairs toward the lobby, and both of us scan the areas below while my mind draws a familiar realization I’d forgotten until now. I’m not weak without Luke, but I am stronger with him. In the past, when we were side by side, I always knew that whatever war we faced, we’d win together. But then my stepfather died, and Kasey died, and my world was falling apart. I didn’t know anything anymore, including myself.
By the time Luke and I are back downstairs in the hotel lobby, Luke has Blake in his ear, verbally guiding us out of this mess. Luke’s attention is on Blake and our surroundings, but I don’t miss the way he holds onto me a little too tightly. As if he’s ready at any moment to take another bullet from me, or rather, for me. Ultimately, everything he did was for me. My brother would never have been with him on that mission had Luke not taken him at my request. Kasey never had his head on straight. Luke was his polar opposite and I’d actually believed that only good things could come from Luke mentoring him.
Luke knew better.
He should have told me no.
God, I wish he would have told me no, but I’d never say that to him. That would be like putting everything on him again. It’s not all on him. I knew what Kasey was like. I knew too well, and somehow not enough, which is called blind emotion. I let emotion push everything about how I handled Kasey. And it was ultimately what placed the gun in Luke’s hand. I need to say that to him, and so much more.
I’m just not sure it matters.
I think back to a night after we first met, once I’d submitted to the fact that there was no walking away from Luke. I didn’t even want to try. We’d had dinner with my family. My father was warm and wonderful to Luke, but Kasey was another story. I flash back to the moment I’d heard my father call him Lucifer, ten times too many.
“Luke,” I correct, hitting my limit. “His name is Luke.”
My brother snorts. “Like the name erases Lucifer from his blood. You really think if we call him Luke, we erase every reason he earned that nickname?”
“He’s a pilot,” I start, but Luke squeezes my leg under the table.
“Call me what you want to call me,” Luke says. “You’re right. A name doesn’t define me.”
“Doesn’t it?” Kasey challenges. “Because from what I’ve heard, it damn sure does.”
Luke’s fingers flex on my leg again, but he says nothing. Not a word. Later that night, I want to ask him what my brother had meant. Before I can say anything, Luke does. He walks me to the passenger side of his vehicle and turns to me. “I told you I wasn’t like the men your father trains. I didn’t lie. I’m worse. Or I was. I got out of that shit for a reason. And if you want to hear the gritty details, you have a right to hear them. I don’t want to tell you.” He scrubs his jaw. “I really don’t want to tell you, but I also don’t want you to hear it like you did tonight.”