He starts to say more but my mom, Pam, and Conner join us.
“Ready to go?”
“Yup.” Inside I’m saying nope. I could stand here talking to Nav forever and be happy.
“Go on out and start the car while I lock up.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I know it’s a brat thing to do. Calling my mother ma’am in front of Nav to insinuate she’s old. Too old for him. She’s been down in the dumps since she ended things with Hound. Then his ex-girlfriend blew into town unexpectedly and he didn’t waste one minute claiming her and moving her in.
Mom regrets that play.
Was her own fault. Hound’s hot. They weren’t a good match though. Not really. Mom is too prissy for a man like him or any motorcycle man. In my opinion anyway. She better not set her sights on Nav. I couldn't take it. The idea alone is enough to break my heart. I know he can’t be mine, but I can’t bear to see him with anyone I know either.
I transfer the baby carrier to Pam who is giving me this look of pity. She sat me down a while back and had a talk with me about respecting myself and keeping myself in check around the brothers of the club. They’re good men but they are still men. Men who have urges and desires. Men who might not always think of me as Link’s untouchable niece.
She’s wrong though. All they see me as is a little girl who hangs in the shadows taking pictures, I probably shouldn’t be capturing through my lens, but I can’t help it. I love snapping pictures when people think no one is watching. The raw beauty of those private and most intimate moments.
One of my favorite pictures is one my mother would beat my ass over if she ever found it. A black and white picture of Nav leaned against the back of the clubhouse shirtless, his abs on display, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. His jeans low on his hips exposing the dark patch of hair that trails from his navel to below his waistline. The man is beautiful. Rugged. Mom would pitch a bitch fit if she knew that I developed a copy and framed it for him as a gift. It’s completely lame, but I wish he could see himself through my eyes.
I don’t know if I’ll even give it to him or at least I won’t sign my name to it or anything.
I want him to have it.
It’s pathetic. I know that.
I’m a sad case. I have no idea what to do for Brodix. Cologne or a pocket knife is lame and not all that personal. I said yes to going out with him because I thought he’d take my mind off crushing on Nav. If anything, it only makes me crave him all the more.
My friends think I’m being an idiot. Brodix is popular. He comes from money. Everyone wants to date him, and he chose me. He seems to like me. He’s always trying to hold my hand and wants to make out, but I don’t get butterflies. I don’t feel anything but regret when he touches me. Like I’m somehow cheating on Nav which is dumb considering all things.
I don’t know what to do. I should probably dump him. It’s not fair of me. But I can never have the man I want to be with so bad it hurts. I need to get over Nav. I need to let go of my fantasy.
I strut past him and pretend it doesn’t kill when he ignores me.
I go out to the car and start it like Mom asked. I sit in the driver’s seat and watch as she touches his arm and laughs. Is she flirting with him? A tear slides down my cheek, but I swipe it away as quickly as it fell. She’ll make fun of me for it if she sees me crying over a man I can never have.