I hated this part of parenting, knowing everything I did, every decision I made, would affect her.
She could have gone to his house after school and told me she was at a girlfriend’s. She could have told me his parents were home. She didn’t have to tell me the truth.
But she had and I trusted her, and I raised her to know what was right. She wouldn’t just go to any boy’s house. This one had to be special.
“Be home for dinner,” I told her.
She smiled long enough to show me my answer pleased her.
“Viv,” I said, stopping her before she reached the door. “Make smart choices.”
She knew what that meant. She’d been hearing me say it to her since she was a kid. And despite trusting her, I was still her mom and I still needed to remind her.
“Always,” she replied, and then she was gone.
It would only take a phone call to one of the other parents at Viv’s school and I could get everything I ever needed to know on Trever and his family. I wasn’t going to do that nor was I going to focus on what was going to happen at Trever’s house. Instead, I was going to send Luz a text to fix the disaster Emery created.
I took out my phone, opened the last message I sent her, and began to type.
Their bed time was a miscommunication between my daughter and me, but she did not lie to you. When Emery reached out, he didn’t understand the circumstances and reacted unfairly. I’m sorry for all of it, Luz. Please accept my apology and please don’t be upset with Viv. This isn’t her fault.
An anxiousness entered my chest as I reread the words I sent her. It wasn’t in my character at all to do something like I had done a few days ago when I’d told my daughter she could stay up late.
One day, it would all make sense.
I had to believe that.
I set my phone on the table and the movement caused my heart to race. It felt as though I’d just returned from a run, the reality was that I hadn’t gone on one in months.
The hands were back, circling my throat, cutting off my air, so there wasn’t any passing into my lungs.
My brain was racing.
What if I stop breathing? What if have to go to the hospital?
What if Emery goes with me?
I had to clear my head. I had to loosen the grip from around my throat.
I had to find air again.
But just as I started to stand, to walk over to the tall bookcase where I’d run my fingers over the spines, I saw an email come through my laptop. It was from Charlotte, who was in the office down the hall with my husband, giving me their schedule for next week. They were going to be traveling to Boston Wednesday morning and returning Friday evening.
Suddenly, the air was back in my lungs.
I walked into my bedroom, changed into a pair of compression pants, a fleece and a headband made of the same material. Then, I put on a pair of sneakers and stopped in the kitchen to get some water. Emery was standing in front of the open fridge, staring at the shelves.
I wrapped my arms around his waist. “Can I help?”
“I’m trying to figure out what I want.”
“Luz made some fresh salsa this morning and there are chips in the pantry.”
His hands went to mine and he squeezed them. “That sounds good.” He turned his head and I felt his eyes on me, looking up and down my body. “Where are you going.”
I pressed my face into his back, hugging him from behind and said, “For a run.”