“Okay, but you’re scared of this—”
“No, I’m scared of losing you,” he says sharply. “And what it will do to not only me, but to you. Ally, you mean the world to me.”
My chest warms. “I know. Same.”
We grin at each other, but then his grin slowly falls away. “I need to be honest with you.”
His words come out of nowhere, and suddenly, I’m holding my breath. “Okay?”
Asher looks away, taking a deep breath as he kicks at the tile. I know that has to hurt, but he isn’t flinching. When he looks back at me again, his face is full of concern. “You have reason to feel all that.” I know I do, but I didn’t know he knew. “I didn’t love Jasmine.”
Okay, now I’m confused. “Huh?”
“I mean, I loved her in the sense that she was a cool chick and we got along, but I knew, with her, I wouldn’t get hurt. Or so I thought,” he says with a soulless laugh. I’m stunned in place, just watching him. I thought Jasmine was everything to him, but he did always keep up a relationship with me. All the time, even when they were together. “I know we all want our forever kind of loves, but for me, I wanted to be comfortable and Jasmine was there. Comfort. But I never looked at her and knew I was complete.”
My jaw is really hanging open now. I gather myself. “Really? Why? Why did you stay?”
“Because I didn’t have to try, because it wasn’t scary. I don’t know… It was easy.” He looks away once more, and I can see the tension in his shoulders. “I never wanted to put myself out there to get hurt, and while, yes, I was upset she was cheating on me, I wasn’t broken by it. I’ve said a lot lately and deflected even more because I wanted to hide the fact that I’ve never truly been in love with anyone.”
I blink. “You’ve never been in love?”
He shakes his head. “No, and I spent most of the night thinking about it. Honestly, I know my parents had their issues, and Aiden freaked me out from what he saw with them. But inside me, I feel that I never saw anyone but you, and I wouldn’t allow myself to feel anything for them. Just as I’ve kept all my feelings for you bottled up.”
“Asher,” I say slowly. “That’s not easy or even healthy. You have to let yourself feel what you feel.”
“But when I feel, I have the potential for being hurt,” he reminds me. “I don’t want to go through what my mom went through, and I sure as hell don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t,” I promise. “And as for your parents, look at them now. Shit, look at Aiden, who never wanted a relationship. You’ve always wanted one, but you were never in a loving one.”
Asher nods. “And knowing that this relationship can be that is holding me up. I’ve done my best to keep you as my best friend because I know I can fall head over heels for you. But what happens if one of us decides we want more?”
I can’t believe what I am hearing. “Asher, I know what I want. It’s you. There is nothing more than you. I’ve dated crappy guys because I know there is only one of you. And if I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone who’s anything like you.”
Asher leans on the bar, and I do the same, coming forehead-to-forehead with him. “I know you’re all in,” he whispers, staring at me with his one good eye. “And I want to be. But this, us, isn’t easy because I care what you think. I care what you do. I care who you talk to and don’t talk to. I care about you, all of you. You aren’t just some girl who is cool and fun to hang with. You’re the girl. The only girl I want to spend my time with. I want so desperately to believe that we can work and I can give you all of me, but I know you have the power to break me in half.”
I cup his jaw in my hand. “You just have to trust I wouldn’t do that to you.” I press my lips to his, and he melts against me. I don’t break our contact, but I do pull back some. “It’s that risk, Ash B. The one I’ve been telling you about constantly.”
He closes his eye, pressing his nose into mine. “I hear you,” he whispers against my lips. “But this risk isn’t an easy one, and I like easy.”
I move my bottom lip with his. “But aren’t the best things in life not easy?”
He curves his lips as he moves his nose along mine. “I think my dad has said that a time or two.”
“Exactly. Believe me, Ash, I’m the risk you want to take.”
“You don’t have to convince me, Ally,” he says earnestly, and his eye tells me he means his words. “At all. But still, I’m so used to hiding myself and the part that feels things, that I’m worried when I let them out, you’ll be scared away.”
I tilt my head to the side. “Or I’ll fall so deeply for you, I won’t see any other way out.”
He smiles as he wraps his fingers around my wrist. “That doesn’t freak you out?”
“No, ’cause I want it,” I say simply. “You’ve always wanted a relationship. Why don’t you try a real, loving one?”
He exhales hard. “I was in one back at the volleyball court,” he says and I grin, sliding my thumb along his bottom lip. “But you’ll have to be patient.”
I scoff. “Believe me, I’m a pro at patience. Just look how long I’ve waited for you.”
“I wish you hadn’t,” he says softly. “I wish we had done this sooner. Maybe then I wouldn’t be how I am today.”