“I’ll figure it out.”
“Yeah, you’re a boss. You got this. Man, I hope it works out.”
I nod excitedly as I take a long sip of my water. “Me too.”
I watch as her face changes. “You’ll still love this baby, though, right? Even if you have one of your own?”
I take her hand instantly. “Oh, yes. He already has my heart.”
Relief fills her features. “Good. I was so excited for you, I didn’t even think about that until just then.”
She reaches for another hunk of bread as I take her in. She’s such a baby herself, and I remember being her age. I couldn’t fathom having a kid then. I was so immature and wild. I squeeze her hand, and soon, her caramel eyes meet mine.
“What’s wrong?”
I blink back my tears as I inhale shakily. “We’ve been thinking and talking a lot about what you said the other day.”
Her brows come together. “I say a lot of things. What is this about?”
“About not being in the baby’s life.”
She looks away, drawing her lip between her teeth.
“I feel like you’re gonna try to ghost us, Tris. Jude thinks maybe we should let you.”
She still won’t look at me. “I don’t want to ghost you because I love you. You’re like the older sister I always needed,” she says softly. “But I don’t want to be a huge part of his life.” She finally looks up at me. “Like, I know you want me to be his aunt and be there for birthdays and holidays, but I don’t want that. I want to watch from afar. I still want to talk because, like I said, I love you and Jude. But I want him to be completely yours. I don’t want to get my feelings involved, and I don’t want him to hate me.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat as I gaze into her eyes. “I want to tell him about you.”
“I know,” she says softly. “And I know you have to. I don’t want him hating you when he’s older for never telling him, but I don’t want him to want to know me. He can know about me, but I honestly don’t think he will want to get to know me, especially if I’m not in his life. He’ll have a great set of parents. Why would he want the mom who gave him up because he’s a constant reminder of the man who beat her?”
My heart drops into the pit of my stomach. “Oh” is all I’m able to say.
“I have full faith that you guys are gonna raise this baby amazingly, and he’s going to be wonderful. He’ll have the life I could never give him, and he’ll be loved by two people who are honestly the best people I know. He doesn’t need me. He only needs you and Jude.”
Tears gather in my eyes. “I don’t want to lose our friendship.”
She shakes her head. “Never. Like I said, I’ll watch from afar, and it’s gonna be so awesome. You two are made to be parents, and knowing I get to help your dreams come true only makes me want to make mine come true so I can feel what you do. I don’t think you realize how much you’ve helped me. Emotionally, physically… I owe it all to you two.” She laces our fingers together before covering our hands with her other. “I am excited for you, for Jude, and especially, this kid. He’s so damn lucky.”
“To have a mom like you,” I say, emotion clear in my voice.
“No, to have a mom like you,” she says softly.
I stand up and wrap my arms around her, and she hugs me tightly. I know what we just agreed on here, and I know it’s probably for the best, but my heart hurts. I really wanted her to be in his life, but I’m realizing that was just a made-up scenario in my head. Tristan doesn’t want to be a mom, but I do. I want to be a mom more than I want to breathe some days. It’s a terrifying thought but a fulfilling one.
One I’m ready for.
The Test
Jude
Claire is rambling.
“I was talking to Reese, and she offered to live with me while you’re gone if I am pregnant. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Phillip said he’d come too, and I thought we can give them the bonus room, and then the boys can sleep on the couch ’cause they’re teens who don’t care as long as there is a hockey goal outside and PlayStation inside. And then if this is a boy, we can have them share rooms. Though, I guess the new one could sleep in our room for a while. Wait… Maybe we shouldn’t name the baby River Phillip. Maybe we should name him River something else and then save Phillip for the next baby? What do you think?”
I think she’s driving me up the wall. In our hands, we’re holding her phone with a timer going. We have 1:52 left.
I press my nose into her cheek. “I think whatever makes you happy will make me happy. Jesus, Claire, you’re making me nervous.”