Blinking back the tears, I hate the lonesome feeling that starts to engulf me. I hate when this happens. It hasn’t happened in weeks, but soon, I’m bracing my hands against the steering wheel, drawing in deep breaths as my heart pounds in my chest. It’s like everything is hitting me at once. Knowing I have to tell Jace about my past and worrying about his mental state because he is pushing himself way too much. Going to see my family in a couple of weeks and the fact that no one cares to talk to me. They are supposed to be my family. Above all that, I’m sitting in a car, alone, freaking out because I feel abandoned.
I feel like I can’t control anything. That I can’t make my family love me the way they should, that I can’t make Jace understand my issues without telling him. That I can’t stop thinking about what I did, or Caleb and the pain he caused. I don’t even know why it’s been heavy on my mind, but it has been and I can’t control it. And I sure as hell can’t control what I feel for Jace. Not even kind of. I’m just falling. What happens when I share what happened, and he isn’t there to catch me? No, I have to control it. I have to go slow. I have to. I have to control it.
I don’t know if I can.
But I do know what I can control.
And that’s how far the knife goes into my skin.
Fuck me.
Covering my face, I let out a yell of frustration as tears sting my eyes. Didn’t I just say I haven’t had the urge? That I don’t even want to do it? But then my mom calls, and everything just starts to drown me.
I need to go inside.
Yeah, I need to go inside.
Throwing the car door open, I walk inside, pushing back my tears.
Because I just want to be done with this.
I want to be strong.
When I get to Lucy’s design office, I actually feel better. Dr. Glasscoy isn’t Dr. Perry, but today he was good. I think he knew when I walked in that I was on the verge of having a panic attack or that I was two seconds from finding something sharp, and he talked me through it. He suggested upping my meds and plans on calling Dr. Perry to get her opinion. I don’t know, I just wish it would go away, that I can be normal. But apparently, I wasn’t handed that hand, and I have to play with the cards I have.
I can do this. I know I can.
I just have to believe in myself.
And not get overwhelmed.
Drawing in a breath through my nose, I let it out through my mouth and then push the door open. When Lucy asked me to come by, I was excited to spend time with Angie and even Lucy. But now, I’m nervous. What if she decides she doesn’t like me and tells Jace to break up with me? He’d do it. I know he would because his family is everything to him. I’m just the girlfriend, the one who has a wall up. He may be committed to me, but he doesn’t love me like he loves them. Hell, he probably doesn’t even love me. How could he? I’m no one special.
“No. Stop,” I say to myself as I slam the door shut. “This isn’t you.”
It isn’t. Did I forget my meds today? I did since I slept at Jace’s. No wonder I’m so messed up. Looking up at the sign that reads, “Let Lucy Design You,” I wonder if I should just go back home. Maybe it isn’t a good idea to hang with everyone when I’m so fucked in the head. But before I can even try to get away, Angie is barreling out of the building and crashing into me, her little arms hugging me tightly as she grins up at me.
“You’re here!”
I put on a smile, the tears still burning my eyes as I look down at her sweet face. She looks just like Lucy, dark hair with bright green eyes and pale skin. She’s a beautiful child, and I do want to spend some time with her. I just really don’t know if I’m in a good place.
But I can’t let her down.
Swallowing hard, I say, “I am. Are you ready?”
“Yup! Come on, Mommy got us all kinds of stuff. So much glitter!”
“I do love glitter,” I say and she grins.
“Me too!” She pulls me along. Looking up, I see that Lucy is at the entryway, a smile on her face as she holds the door for us.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” I say as we pass through. When the door shuts, she locks it. “You done for today?”
“I am. I didn’t want to ask you to drive all the way out to the house. Plus, my mom has Jude and Claire there right now visiting, so I figured we could hang here and do the posters.”
“Cool,” I say as Angie drags me into a conference room that is full of posters and art supplies.