“No,” he scoffs. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t want to be near you.”
“I don’t fucking care,” he yells back. “We are going to talk about this.”
Defiantly, I shake my head as my blood is still boiling and my heartbeat is pounding in my ears. It may be the alcohol, or maybe the reason I feel betrayed is justified, but as I look over at him, I sneer, “I don’t want to talk to you.”
He shrugs though. “Again, don’t fucking care. We are talking this out. I hate when you’re mad at me.”
“Why? Why do you care? We aren’t together, remember?”
“I swear to God,” he mutters, looking up at the ceiling. Then he glares over at me. “Wanna know why I fucking care? Why I don’t tell anyone when you ask me not to? And why I don’t want to fucking leave right now?”
Letting out an annoyed breath, I say, “You’re gonna tell me anyway.”
“You’re right, smartass, I am,” he yells, his nostrils flaring as his eyes burn into mine. “It’s because I fucking love you, Baylor,” he yells, his eyes dark and full of not just frustration but love. Ah. Damn it. I knew it. All I hear is my heartbeat and our breathing as we stare into each other’s eyes.
Holy. Mother. Of. Fucking. Shit.
Is this real life?
“You’re drunk,” I breathe, but he’s already shaking his head.
“The hell I am,” he yells at me, his body trembling, but still his eyes are so full of love. Holding his hands up, he gives me an exasperated look. “Oh, I know, it isn’t in your plan. It isn’t controllable. But love isn’t controllable, Baylor! It’s hard, it hurts, and fucking hell, it’s not predictable! It isn’t a hockey game, it isn’t like controlling a puck with a stick. It’s real and it can knock you on your ass.”
“Jayden,” I say simply because I don’t know what else to say.
“I get it, you’re scared, but don’t you understand that I’m scared too? That I think at any moment you’ll give up because of your fears, and then I’ll be left with nothing. I’ll be alone because, after being with you, there is no one else. There can’t be. You’ve ruined me, and yes, I’m being dramatic because I don’t know how to get it through that beautiful head of yours that you are everything to me.”
My mouth is moving, but nothing is coming out. Holy shit on a cracker, what is going on here? Why am I so shocked by this? “Why?”
Why? Why did I say that?
“Why?!” he yells incredulously. “Are you fucking kidding me? Do you not understand the effect you have on me? The things you do to my heart and soul… I love you with every fiber of my being because you are amazing. Beautiful. And smart as a whip, Baylor. I love you.”
I sputter, unable to process this. “But we don’t know what’s gonna happen after the draft.”
“Who cares! I can tell you that I’m going to be with you.”
With my eyes wide, I stare down at the floor as I try to catch my breath. I’m choking on the words, that’s the only thing I can say. I don’t know what to do, how to tell him that this is too much. When I look up, his eyes are begging me to say them but I can’t. Why can’t I?
Before I can even say anything though, he shakes his head. “But I can see in your eyes you don’t. So go on, go back up there and fuck the whole damn house.”
“Don’t be like that!” I yell back because that’s uncalled for. “Don’t be a jerk because I’m not saying what you want.”
“It’s not that you aren’t saying what I want, it’s that you’re not saying anything,” he yells back, and I snap my mouth shut. “Give me something. Tell me what you’re feeling. Please!”
Shrugging my shoulders, I shake my head. “I don’t know. I want to love you. I do, but I am scared of the future.”
“Ugh!” he yells in frustration. “Fuck the future, Baylor. Live in the now, because no matter what, we’ll figure it out, together.”
“You don’t know that,” I counter, but he shakes his head.
“I don’t care. All I care about is hearing you say it to me; the rest will fall into place.”
But I shake my head because I just can’t do it. I can’t just throw caution to the wind and hope it works out. I need to know. Will we work? Choking on a sob, I whisper, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” he asks, turning to me. “For what?”