I barely hear the last part of that because my eyes were fixated on the collage of photos on the wall. Some are of my brother and this new guy, Taylor…Tyler…Kyler, whatever it was, and him with an older woman I assume is his mother. There are some empty nails with photos missing too. That’s weird. But it’s not the empty nails where photos once hung that catches my attention the most. It’s the collage frame that includes photos of Zach and Emmett; Zach, Emmett, Haylee, and me; Zach and me; and even one of me and Emmett and from the summer before he died.
I won’t cry, I won’t cry, I repeat over and over. I start to take deep breaths in and out to try to prevent an anxiety attack. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.
“Holy shit, Dani, you’re actually here!”
I hear my brother’s voice from behind me. I turn around to see him standing in the doorway wearing black slacks and a white button-up shirt rolled at the sleeves. The edge of a tattoo is peeking out of one of his sleeve. Holy shit, my brother grew up. He sets his work bag and jacket down on the chair in the living room and runs over and throws his arms around me. I have to catch my breath. My brother is so grown up, he looks like an actual adult—and I missed the whole thing. I wrap my arms around him. God I missed him so much.
Pulling back, he places his hands along my cheeks to look me over. It’s as if he’s trying to memorize everything about me in case I run again. To be honest, I haven’t decided if I’ll be able to stay, but I’m willing to try.
He takes my hand and pulls me to the couch. “Have you been here long?”
I shake my head. “Your roommate let me in.” I accentuate the word roommate.
“Oh, you met Ky. He’s a good dude. We met freshman year of college. We hit it off right away.” My mind drifts to his freshman year of college. Emmett. My lip begins to tremble, so I pull it between my teeth and bite down until I taste copper. I look back over to the wall where the photos are on the wall.
Zach catches me staring and opens his mouth to say something but is interrupted by Kyler walking into the room. “Hey, man, you’re home.” Zach nods.
“You headed out to—” Kyler starts, but Zach cuts him off to say, “Nah, I’m home tonight to catch up with Dani.”
Turning to me, he asks, “Pizza for dinner work for you?” I nod. Zach turns back toward Kyler. “Ky, you want to join?”
Kyler is grabbing his keys off the table. “Thanks, rain check. I’m headed out to meet the twins. I’ll catch you both later.” Kyler turns to me with a smile. “Nice to meet you, Dani. Welcome home.” And then he’s out the door. Twins? Jesus, what a player.
Zach must be able to sense my judgment, because he playfully nudges my arm and laughs. “The twins are his older twin sisters, Lauren and Kate. They live here in town. They meet usually once a week for dinner. Sometimes they come out for karaoke night, so you might be able to meet them soon.”
My eyes go wide at the mention of karaoke and meeting new people. I don’t know about all that; I’m just trying to make it through the day on my own.
Zach slaps his hands on his thighs and rises off the couch. “Come on, I’ll give you the tour and show you the guest room. It’s yours for as long as you like. I’ll order a pizza, and we can get you settled and catch up. Still prefer ham and pineapple?”
“Sounds great.”
Zach’s house is a rancher-style house. There are three bedrooms and two baths. One bathroom is attached to Zach’s room, and the other is in the hallway between Kyler’s room and the room I’ll be staying in. I grew up with my own bathroom but shared one with Em and Zach when I would visit the apartment, so I’m sure I could share a bathroom with Kyler, or maybe I could ask Zach if I could just use his at times.
The kitchen is beautiful. There’s a giant island with a marble countertop. I could see myself spending hours in here baking and making a giant mess. I’m sure my brother missed my baking. I have a lot of making up to do, so might as well start as soon as possible through his stomach.
Dinner arrives not long after we unload the last box of mine into my room. I prefer a minimalist lifestyle just in case I feel the need to pack up and leave quickly; all of my belongings fit in my Toyota RAV4.
Zach drops the pizzas on the island as I take a seat on a barstool at the counter, then heads to the fridge and grabs two beers. Setting one down in front of me, he laughs. “Damn, that feels weird giving you one, even though I know you’re twenty-one now. Still weird. Another milestone we missed, huh.” He quickly takes a sip of his beer and looks anywhere but at me.
He finally turns back to me, and his face grows serious. “Can I ask you a question?” I nod and set down my slice of pizza. “Why now? Why after all this time did you finally call?”
I knew this question would come up sooner or later when he didn’t ask on the phone. “That’s kind of a complicated answer to give. There were times that I had thought I would show up randomly at Mom and Dad’s door. I even packed up my whole apartment once and got into my car to head home, but I couldn’t turn my car on.” I take a sip of my beer. I might need to ask for something stronger if I want to get through this conversation.
“Anyways, one night I had this dream…well, it was more of a nightmare, and I had woken up covered in sweat, which sadly wasn’t anything new, but I couldn’t get rid of this weird feeling and could remember the whole thing. Over the next week, I kept hearing the song ‘Count on Me’ by Bruno Mars. Like literally, everywhere. It played at the restaurant I was waitressing in, the local coffee shop I went to, the grocery store, and the car. It’s not like it was a newer song. But it just felt like a sign. So, I finally found the strength to press Send.”
I let my brother process that before I change the subject to break some of the tension in the room.
“So, what have you been up to the past four years?”
“Well.” He pauses as if he is trying to decide what to say. “Well, when I graduated UPenn, I started full-time at the sports marketing firm in the city that I had interned at senior year. I really love it. I get to spend my days watching sports and get paid for it. Still have dinner with Mom, Dad, and the Hankses once a week, although with my work schedule we’ve been doing more brunches or early dinners. You should come. I know everyone would want to see you.”
The mention of the Hanks family makes my stomach tie in a knot. I’m not ready to face them. The people who were my second family, my future in-laws…no, I can’t.
My face must falter because he sets his pizza back on the plate and reaches for my wrist. “When you’re ready, okay? I’m not going to push you. I’m just glad you’re here.”
Pulling me into another tight hug, Zach whispers into my hair, “God I missed you so much, Dani. I’ve looked at my phone so many times the past few days to make sure you calling wasn’t actually a dream.” His grip on me tightens as if he doesn’t want to let me go, and I realize my grip on him is just as tight.
“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” I respond, and I can feel him instantly relax. As long as I keep telling myself that I’m not going anywhere, maybe I’ll believe it. I want to believe my words.