Zach standing there with his back toward me. I suddenly stop my approach. Oh my God, I hear him talking to Emmett. I am standing too far away to listen to what he is saying, and I wouldn’t want to interrupt this moment with him. I go to turn around and walk back to my car, but I watch Zach drop to his knees, shoulders slumped and head bowed. I don’t even hesitate; I rush over to where he is on the ground. His body tenses as I wrap my arms around him.
“Breathe, Zach. It’s okay. Let it out.”
At the sound of my voice, his body relaxes against mine. His hands grip my arms tighter as he lets it all out. I let him cry in my arms while the tears flow freely down my cheeks.
Zach checks in with me often. Most times, it’s just a text; other times he calls. I’m sure he feels as though, with Emmett gone, he has to take over the role of my big brother. I’ve known Zach my entire life, and he has always been the rock in our lives. Right now, everything is out of his hands. He lost his best friend. He’s watching his sister push us all away, all while being away from home. At first, I was jealous of Zach because he got to go back to school and get away from everything that reminded us Emmett was gone, but then reality set in that he and Em shared an apartment while attending the same college. There are as many memories for Zach in Philly with Em as there are here, maybe even more. There is no escaping it.
Seeing him vulnerable like this shows me he is only human. I haven’t seen him break down since the funeral, not even when we came here for Em’s birthday. I was beginning to wonder what his secret was and if he would share it, but I see that he just hid it better than the rest of us.
His breathing begins to even out.
I speak softly while I continue to rub his back. “Hey. You know it’s okay to cry. Doesn’t make you any less of a man.”
He snickers, brushing off my comment as he adjusts himself so his feet are now in front of him. He pulls his knees up and rests his elbows on them. I take this time to sit down next to him. We both wipe the tears away.
I continue. “You know, I was beginning to wonder what your superpower was in never breaking down. Shit, these days, it seems like all I do is break down, so is it bad to say that for once, I’m glad to see someone else do it?”
“I’m sorry you have to go through this, and I know my sister isn’t making this easy on you. You should be able to have the one person you’ve always leaned on there for you and she’s not.”
I look down and begin to play with the grass surrounding the headstone.
I shrug. “I know she’s hurting.”
He grabs my wrist, bringing my attention to his. “No, that’s not an excuse. We all are.”
I nod as he releases his hand from me.
“I hate that we’re all hurting—you, me, our parents, my sister. I hate that there’s not a damn thing I can do about it to help anyone. I hate this. It’s bullshit that he died; he was only eighteen.”
The tears begin to fall again.
“I wish I knew when it would get easier, how to act when someone brings him up, or how to keep it all together.” He exhales, but in a way that makes him sound relieved for finally saying it aloud.
“No,” I say. “There’s no rule book. We’re all just kind of winging it. If there was a rule book, I’m pretty sure it would tell you not to call his phone over and over just to hear his voice on his voicemail.”
His lips form a frown, and I look away.
“Yeah, I guess you didn’t need to know how pathetic I am.”
“You’re not pathetic. You’re grieving. As you said, we’re all winging it. Plus, if I’m honest, I’d have to admit I’ve done that when I’m drunk.”
We sit in comfortable silence, my head resting on his shoulder, for just a moment longer, letting the events of today and our confessions sink in before Zach stands again.
“Well, I better get going.” He reaches out his hand for me to take and pulls me to my feet.
We walk back to the cars in silence.
“Hey, Hails,” Zach calls out as he reaches his Jeep.
I turn and face him. “Yeah?”
“You know you can call me anytime if you need to talk, right?”
I nod. “I know. I’ll see ya later?”
“Nah, I’m heading back to school. I just needed a moment.”
I know exactly what he means. “Yeah, I get those too.”