I’d known it on an intellectual level, of course, the way I knew the earth was round and the oceans were deep. It was impossible for someone with those features, arranged in that way, to be anything except beautiful.
But this was the first time I’d experienced it. It was like peeling back the transparent sheet cover on a famous art piece and finally seeing it in its full glory.
Josh’s hands curled into loose fists by his side before he unclenched them.
“Last call soon.” The words came out rough and scratchy, like it hurt him to speak. “If you want more food, we should grab it now before the picnic ends.”
The electric charge dissipated, but its effects lingered as a film of tingles on my skin.
“Right. More food.” I cleared my throat. “I’m always down for more food.”
We fixed our plates in silence before settling beneath one of the large oak trees bordering the park. Most of the food had been picked clean, but we’d managed to snag the last of the burgers and a chocolate cupcake to share.
“Your coworkers seem to like you a lot, Micah the Dickhead notwithstanding.” I sliced the cupcake into neat halves with a plastic knife and handed Josh his portion.
He took it, his mouth quirking. “Don’t sound so surprised. I’m a likable person, Red.”
“Hmmm.” I snuck a glance at him while we ate. We’d fought, we’d fucked, but there was still so much I didn’t know about him.
How was it possible to know so little about someone after seven years?
“Did you always want to be a doctor? Don’t bother making a joke about playing doctor as a kid,” I added when I noticed the gleam in his eyes. “If I can preempt it before you say it, it’s lame.”
A deep laugh rumbled from Josh’s chest. “Fair enough.” He leaned against the tree trunk and stretched out his legs. A thoughtful expression crossed his face. “I’m not sure when I decided to become a doctor. Part of it was expectations, I guess. Doctor, lawyer, engineer. The stereotypical careers for a Chinese-American kid. But there was another part that…” He hesitated. “This is going to sound cheesy, but I want to help people, you know? I remember waiting in the hospital when Ava almost drowned. It was the first time I realized the people around me wouldn’t live forever. I was fucking terrified. And I kept thinking...what if I’d been with her by the lake that day? Could I have saved her? Would the drowning have even happened? And my mom. What if I’d noticed something was wrong earlier and gotten her help…”
A deep ache spread through me at the tiny crack in his voice.
I placed a tentative hand on his knee, wishing I was better at comforting people. “You were just a kid,” I said gently. “What happened wasn’t your fault.”
“I know.” Josh stared at where my hand rested against the blue denim of his jeans. His throat bobbed with a hard swallow. “But that doesn’t stop me from feeling like it was.”
The ache intensified.
How long had he lived with his guilt and kept it to himself? I doubted he’d told Ava, not when it was guilt over her. Perhaps he’d told Alex when they were friends, but I couldn’t picture stiff, icy Alex being particularly reassuring.
“You’re a good brother, and you’re a good doctor. If you weren’t, I would’ve heard about it. Trust me.” I imbued my smile with mischief. “I’m plugged into all the gossip.”
That earned me a small laugh. “Oh, I know. You and Ava wouldn’t shut up whenever you got into one of your rants.”
My heart jumped into my throat when he covered my hand with his and twined our fingers together. He squeezed, that one action saying more than words ever could.
Three months ago, I would’ve never willingly touched him, and he would’ve never willingly turned to me for comfort.
Yet here we were, existing in the strangest iteration of what our relationship could be. Not quite friends, not quite enemies. Just us.
“And you? Why’d you become a lawyer?” Josh asked.
“I’m not a lawyer yet.” I remained still, afraid any movement would shatter the fragile, therapeutic peace between us. “But, um, Legally Blonde is one of my favorite movies.”
I laughed when his eyebrows shot toward his hairline. “Hear me out, okay? The movie was the jumping-off point. I looked up law schools out of curiosity, and I fell into a rabbit hole. The more I learned about the field, the more I liked the idea of…” I searched for the right word. “Purpose, I guess. Helping people solve their problems. Plus certain types of law pay well.” Warmth suffused my cheeks. “That sounds shallow, but financial security is important to me.”
“That’s not shallow. Money isn’t everything, but we need it to survive. Anyone who says they don’t care about it is lying.”
“I guess.”
We fell into companionable silence again. The golden spring afternoon cast a soft haze over the scene, and I felt like I was living in a dream where the rest of the world didn’t exist. No past, no future, no Max, exams, or money worries.
If only.
“So, what you said earlier.” Josh twisted his head to look at me. “Good brother and doctor, huh?” He removed his hand from mine. I mourned the loss of his touch for a brief moment before he tugged on my braid again, a crooked smile forming on his mouth. “Was that a compliment, Red?”
“My first and last for you, so savor it while you can.”
“Oh, I will. Every morsel.” The velvety suggestion in his voice bypassed my brain and went straight to my core.
“Good,” I managed.
What was happening to me? Maybe someone spiked the food with aphrodisiacs because I shouldn’t be this flustered over Josh.
What started as a fake date was quickly turning into an existential crisis. Hating Josh was one of the core pillars of my lifestyle, along with my love for caramel mochas, my aversion to cardio, and my rainy-day pastime of browsing obscure bookstores. Take my hate for him away, and what was I left with?
My heartbeat quickened. Don’t go there.