The calm to my chaos, the silence to my storm.
I’d been obsessed with Stella Alonso for five years, and I couldn’t bring myself to regret it.
“How long did this go on?” Stella finally asked, her voice dull.
My hand closed around the ring. “Almost a year.”
“A year.” She paled further. “You were stalking me for a year?”
“I wasn’t stalking you. I...” Guilt and frustration knotted in my chest. “Other than the background info, everything I knew was public knowledge.”
It was a flimsy excuse.
I hadn’t followed her physically, but I’d used all the tools at my disposal to dig through her life. Nothing and no one around her had been off-limits.
It wasn’t stalking in the traditional sense, but I’d crossed massive boundaries, nonetheless.
“I stopped when I…” Realized how attached I was getting. Even then, I’d known that Stella was a dangerous distraction, and I’d resented the hold she had on me. It had been equal parts fascinating and frustrating.
“I stopped after that,” I finished. “I didn’t dig any deeper, and I only knew what you posted online. I had no idea about your stalker, Greenfield, or anything that happened that you didn’t talk about publicly.”
It had taken all my willpower to stay away physically, but no matter how hard I tried to forget her, I couldn’t.
I hadn’t spoken a word to her, and she’d remained at the forefront of my mind for years.
Then, in a stroke of luck, her best friend fell in love with Rhys, who referred Stella to my building, and the rest was history.
“That doesn’t change the fact that you lied to me this entire time.” Stella wrapped her arms tighter around her waist. “You let me believe we’d never met before.”
“Because we hadn’t.” “I shouldn’t have deceived you, but I can’t change the past. If I’d told you what I did, you would’ve left.”
After wanting her for so long, I’d finally had Stella close, and I hadn’t risked driving her away.
“I’ll destroy the files,” I said desperately when Stella remained silent. “I’ll never look at them again, and we can move on from this.” Every word scraped through my chest.
Her humorless laugh singed my lungs. “We can’t move on from this.”
My frustration mounted. I wasn’t used to being this out of sorts, and it was harder than usual to find the right words.
“Why the hell not?”
Why didn’t she understand? Why couldn’t I make her see that I’d changed in the months we’d been together? That I wasn’t the same person I’d been when I made that file.
“Because it was an invasion of privacy!” she yelled.Tears leaked down her cheeks. “You did not have my permission to dig into my life like that. But that’s always been our story, hasn’t it? You know everything about me, and I know nothing about you. You want other people to be an open book while you keep yours closed. I thought you were so thoughtful and perceptive because you knew all these things about me. My favorite foods, my favorite flowers…but you had that stupid dossier the whole time. Was it that easy? Just pull up the file and see what scrap you can throw my way to make me fall for you?”
A strange sensation burned behind my eyes. “I haven’t looked at that file in years. I swear—”
“You’re the same as my stalker.” Stella’s breaths shallowed. “No, you’re worse, because at least they didn’t make me fall in love with a lie.”
Her words pierced me like a knife through my heart.
“I would never hurt you,” I repeated.
“You already have.”
The knife twisted harder.
“I trusted you,” she whispered. “I trusted you when I barely knew you. I guess that was my fault.” Her bitter laugh made me flinch. “You told me about your family, but I don’t even know if the story is true. Was that also a lie? I have no idea who you are or what you’re capable of. Your dreams, your fears—”
“My dream is to be with you. And my biggest fear,” I said, my voice low and ragged with emotion. “Is losing you.”
A small sob wracked her body.
My heart cracked at the sound. It fucking killed me that I was the one causing her tears.
Deep down, I knew I didn’t deserve her forgiveness, but that didn’t stop me from instinctively reaching for her and wanting to comfort her.
She shrank away before I made contact. “Don’t touch me.”
If she brought me to life with three words—I love you—she slayed me with an equal number. Don’t touch me.
Every syllable dragged through my already destroyed heart like a freshly honed razor blade, leaving nothing but ruins behind.
“I can’t do this.,” she said, her eyes glossy with tears. “I’ll move the rest of my stuff out of your apartment tomorrow.”
Raw panic scraped at my veins.
I couldn’t lose her. Not like this.
I grasped onto the only straw I had left. “It’s not safe. Your stalker is still out there.”
Stella set her jaw. “Brock can stay, but that’s it. I need space. I can’t think right now. I just need…” She drew in a shuddering breath. “I need you to go. “
I’d broken bones. Been shot at. Got lost in the desert for fucking days with the sun blistering my skin.
None of that had hurt as much as this.
“Don’t do this.” My voice cracked. “Butterfly, please.”
I had never begged anyone for anything. Not when my parents died, not when I’d needed startup money for my company, and not when I’d faced imminent death at the hands of a pissed-off warlord.
But I would gladly get on my fucking knees and beg if it meant Stella would stay with me.
“I don’t want you keeping tabs on me anymore.” She continued like I hadn’t spoken. “Not through Brock, Alex, Ava, or anyone else. Not through my blog or social media. I know you could if you wanted to, but I’m asking you…” The last word broke with unshed tears. “To leave me alone, Christian.”
The air went silent save for the painful sounds of our breaths.
I was drowning. Drowning in emotions I’d never felt before, in dark waters that saturated my lungs and made reaching for the surface impossible.
Panic. Shame. Regret.
“Do you want to know another secret, Stella?” My voice was unrecognizable in its rawness. “I can’t say no to you.” Not when it came to the things that mattered. “But I will always be here if you need me, no matter how far in distance or time. I don’t care if we’re on different continents or if it’s five, fifty years in the future. I never want you to wake up and feel like you’re alone because you’re not. You’ll always have me.”
My eyes burned as my final, greatest truth scraped up my throat. “I love you. So fucking much.”
I thought saying those words for the first time would feel strange.