"Fine, but just so you know, I think this part is lame," she says. "You love him. He obviously has feelings for you. Why not throw caution to the wind and follow your heart?"
"He's my boss."
"For three more months."
"He needs friends."
"Why are you so sure Cyrus will be pissed?"
"I know my brother."
"So do I," she says, turning to look at me. "He loves you, JJ. He loves Jax. The thought of the two of you together might take some getting used to for him, but he's not going to cut you out of his life over it. So why are you really afraid?"
"I don't want to lose him," I admit on a whisper.
"Cyrus?"
"Jax." I fidget with Ruby's blanket, avoiding Gwen's gaze. "He may think he has feelings for me now, but I don't think he'd feel the same way if he knew that I've been in love with him for four years. Like…obsessively in love."
"Jessa."
"I've turned down dates because of him," I blurt out, turning to face her. "More than once."
"Really?"
I nod.
She purses her lips, staring at me. "So you're afraid he'll find out that you're in love with him and what? Laugh at you?"
"Yes. No. I don't know!" I cry, flinging up my hands. "I just…I don't want to lose him. What if I tell him the truth and it freaks him out? Or if we get together and then he decides we aren't going to work out? I'll lose him completely."
"Maybe," Gwen says, her voice soft. "But, hon, you've avoided him for the last six months straight. You don't see him. You don't talk to him. You're moving to Nashville. Haven't you already lost him?"
"He's a billionaire now," I mumble.
"Not by choice."
"He could have anyone."
She narrows her eyes on me. "Jessa Olene Jordan, don't you dare think you aren't good enough for him."
"I don't…exactly."
"Explain."
"Look at him, Gwen!" I huff. "He's freaking gorgeous. And now he's a billionaire. Literal supermodels are in his league now. Why would he want me? I'm a virgin. I've never dated. I don't know anything about dating a billionaire or living that kind of life. All I want to do is get my degree and help little kids. He should be with someone who knows how to be a billionaire's wife and throw lavish parties and make friends with other billionaires' wives."
He deserves someone who will make his life easier, not harder. And even if Gwen is too sweet to admit it, we both know being with me would make his life harder. I don't come from money. I don't know anything about business or making deals or living the lifestyle he now lives. I would make his life harder simply because I don't belong.
And the thing is, even then, he wouldn't be mad at me for it. He'd just keep on doing what he does. He'd cut ties with anyone who didn't accept me, even if it caused a problem for his company. He'd have a royal fit if anyone treated me poorly. His life is hard enough now. I don't want to add to it. I love him too much to be the reason he fails.
"Besides," I tell Gwen, "I want babies. Lots of them. Jax doesn't."
He told me that the night he tried to kiss me, and I don't think it was just the anger and the alcohol talking. He was an only child who lost his mom young and had a father who didn't want him. He spent his teen years in foster care while the man who birthed him did nothing to help.
I think he's scared the same thing would happen to his kids or that he'd mess up their lives somehow. At the end of the day, why doesn't matter. It all boils down to the same thing. Jax doesn't want kids, and I won't force that on him any more than I'd force myself on him.
"We're just not compatible," I say, popping my eyes open wide so I don't cry. It might be true…but it still hurts like hell.
"Fine," Gwen says, giving up. "I won't make you go tonight."
"Ruby," I say, snapping my fingers to get her attention. She's at the front door, barking her little head off. I swear, she thinks she's a killer. What she expects to kill when she weighs a pound and a half, I don't know. But every time someone knocks at the door, she loses her mind.
She ignores me, of course.
I grumble under my breath and scoop her up in my arms before undoing the slide lock. We learned the hard way not to answer the door without securing her first. She tried to attack the mailman. Which would have been bad, except he was a giant and she couldn't even bite through his pants. He thought it was hilarious. Thank God. I really don't want to be sued by the Post Office.
It sounds expensive.
"Can I…?" I blink, shocked to see Jax standing on my doorstep. He's supposed to be at the benefit. Gwen left an hour ago. She adamantly refused to ask Cyrus to go with her. She's going to kill me when she gets home tonight because I called him anyway. He was going to meet her there…only she doesn't know that, I didn't tell her anything.
What? At least one of us should be happy.
"You're not supposed to be here," I mumble to Jax, still trying to process the fact that he's standing in front of me. He's definitely not dressed for a fancy benefit either. He's in faded jeans and a Navy t-shirt, both of which hug his incredible body tight enough to make me jealous.