Chapter 12
Jaxon
“Jeez,doIpay you to work or stare out the window all day?”
My best friend’s voice startles me, and I spin in my chair to find Finn standing in the doorway to my office, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. Too bad the playful smirk on his face and the lack of conviction in his voice contradict his body’s stance.
“You pay me to sit here and look hot in my business suit. Drives all the ladies crazy.” He chuckles, knowing that’s far from the truth. “What are you even doing here, anyway?”
He pushes off the doorframe and enters the office. “Well, it is my company and all.”
I grumble at his comment. Smart-ass. “I meant, what are you doing here now?I told you I had a handle on things today. You could’ve stayed at the hospital longer.”
He approaches my desk and hikes up his pant legs before sitting down in a chair across from me. “Nah, Dani needed her rest, so after a quickish visit, Ky shooed us all away. The girls went to get a late lunch before heading back to the hospital. So, they dropped me off. Figure I’d be more useful here.”
“You need a ride home?”
“Since you seem to be playing taxi today, that would be great. Unless you only give rides to beautiful brunettes whose names rhyme with late.” There are so many underlying questions in that one statement. I pinch the bridge of my nose, knowing this was going to happen. The only information I gave him at the hospital was that she needed a ride, so I offered. He didn’t push for more information, not wanting to make a scene and take the attention from what was happening.
“I mean, I already have the beautiful brunet part down.” He shakes his head, pretending he has long hair and posing like a model on a photo shoot.
“Fuck off,” I tease.
Finn opens his mouth to say something, but I don’t let him by changing the subject. I’m not sure I’m ready to answer his questions yet. Shit, I don’t even have the answers to my own questions.
“So, everyone all good? Babies healthy? It was a boy and girl, right?”
He narrows his eyes, catching on to my avoidance, but then relaxes his expression and smiles.
“Yep. Levi Adam and Charlotte Rae, but they’re gonna call her Charli. Hold on—” He retrieves his phone from his pocket. With a few swipes of his finger, he passes over the phone to me. “They’re small, but fuck, oh so adorable,” he sighs as if there were heart emojis in his eyes.
I take in the image in front of me—two little babies lie together in one of those hospital bassinet things. Levi is on the left, swaddled in a blue-and-white-striped blanket and navy hat. He’s mid-yawn, his arms stretched up. His glove-covered hand is in his sister’s face, but she can’t seem to be bothered. Wrapped in a matching pink-and-white blanket and pink hat with a bow attached, she is sound asleep.
“I gotta say, with the number of people that were in the waiting room, I’m impressed there’s a photo where someone isn’t holding them.”
He laughs. “Just you wait.” He indicates with his finger for me to keep swiping.
The corners of my lips turn upward as I realize I spoke too soon as I swiped through photo after photo. There are ones with the happy parents and their new little ones and the proud grandparents. There’s one of Kyler holding Levi like a football, blocking his Uncle Zach from holding him. I’m sure that moment went over well with Dani.
“Oh, boy.” I hold up the phone to show him what photo I’m referring to. Lauren is holding Charli in her arms while Finn looks over her shoulder. Lauren is beaming up at her husband with tears in her eyes. “Looks like someone has baby fever.”
“Oh yeah, the plan was to take our time starting a family, and if it happened, it happened. But as soon as that first baby was placed in her arms, I was ready to whip my dick out and make a baby right then.”
I cackle at his abrasiveness. “Well, I can think of quite a few people who are probably glad you didn’t.” I shake my head, not needing that mental image, although that would make for a great story one day to tell your kids.
Finn continues talking about their visit, but I don’t pay much attention. Pressing Play on the video, I watch Lauren pass Charli to Kate, who is sitting in a glider in the corner of the hospital room. Once she is situated, Kyler comes into view and does the same with Levi. Her gaze bounces back and forth between the two babies cradled in her arms. Her smile lights up her entire face and damn near takes my breath away. Like call 911 because I need some oxygen pumped into my veins. This woman somehow manages to look beautiful whatever she does, even when she looks like a bum, but this look—the pride in her eyes, love flowing directly from her pores. One day, she will look at her child with the same adoration. Making that first eye contact with your child, there’s nothing that can top that moment ever. The bond between a mother and a child…
One thought barrels through the forefront of my mind—Courtney. She never got that moment with our son.
My pulse races, and I place my hand over the dull hollow ache in my chest.
I’m struggling to find my breath now.
“Jax? Jax, hey, what’s wrong?” Finn says, rising from the chair, but his voice is muffled, as if it were far away.
The voice loud and clear in my mind and the vision as I close is my eyes is of Dr. Griffin approaching, removing her cap from her head. The distraught look on her face has my heart falling into the pit of my stomach.
“Mr. McAdams—”
“Where’s Courtney? Let me see my wife,” I barked, but I promise it was worse than my bite. I needed answers. I needed to know what was going on. I needed to get to my son.
“I’m sorry to tell you this, but—”
A hand clamps down on my shoulder, pulling me out of the darkness of my mind.
“Jaxon, breathe, man. Talk to me.”
I hold my hand up, telling him to just give me a minute. I’m fine. But am I? My hand is trembling. I form a fist and press it to my mouth to keep the guttural scream from escaping. I close my eyes and lift my head to the sky, exhaling a loud breath.
“I don’t have photos of Andy like this. I’ll never have them.” I pick up Finn’s phone from where I must have dropped it. Shit, I don’t even remember doing that.I inspect it to make sure there was no damage.
“Fuck. Shit.” We swap the phone for a water bottle he is holding out. “I’m such an insensitive prick. I didn’t even think about how all this would affect you today. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I guzzle half the bottle down. The cool water does nothing to the way my body is on fire, as if I’m burning at the stake.
I wipe the droplets off my mouth with the back of my hand.
“No, I shouldn’t have encouraged you to stay when you arrived.”
“You didn’t.” To be honest, he had very little to do with my decision to stay. Something transitioned with Kate and me today on the drive, and I wanted to savor that change as much as possible before things reverted to how things used to be between us. “It wasn’t until just now that it all hit me.” Like a goddamned freight train.
“Not when I offered Kate a ride, knowing where we were going. Not sitting in the waiting room with your crazy family. Not even when Kyler came in, grinning ear to ear. It was looking at the video of Kate that it hit me—holding the babies.”
I run my fingers through my hair, tugging on the strands. “God, what is fucking wrong with me?”
“Jax, nothing is wrong with you.”
“I spent all day not dwelling on the loss.”
“That doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. You went through something traumatic. You lost the love of your life, the mother of your child. That will never leave you, but you don’t need to carry the burden. You don’t need to carry the guilt. Courtney knows how much you loved her.”
“It’s hard. It’s so fucking hard, especially…” I trail off, resting my head in my hands.
“Especially what?” Finn bends down at eye level with me, and I look up. “When there’s someone that makes you feel alive again?”
My brows rise, and he quirks his lips.
“Come on, asshole. I’ve got eyes, you know.”
“I just don’t know that I’m ready,” I sigh.
“Look, I’m not saying you are—I’m not saying you aren’t.”
An awkward laugh slips from my lips. “Then what are you saying?”
“Go easy on yourself, or the guilt is going to consume you.”
I think it’s too late for that.
Against my better judgment, I dropped the vulnerability shield and let her in and look where it got me. Guilt slipped through the cracks, setting roots and leaching its teeth into my mind and heart.
I think the best thing for now is to keep my distance from her. Which obviously is easier said than done.