Chapter 32
Kate
I’venearlyworna hole in the floor of Jaxon’s living room by the time headlights shine through the front window, letting us know they’re finally home.
After we left the hospital and made a pit stop at Lauren’s house to grab Andy’s things, I used the spare key Jaxon had given me to let us into his house. I’ve been a mess of nerves waiting for news. Thankfully, Finn has been keeping Lauren in the loop. Andy’s arm has a small hairline fracture and will need to be put in a cast for eight weeks. I know Jaxon has his hands full at the moment, which is why I didn’t take his radio silence personally.
I rush to the front door, letting out a sigh of relief as I open the door to find Finn propping the storm door open for Jaxon. Andy is asleep in his arms with a temporary cast on his left arm.
Finn gives me a weak smile, but Jaxon brushes past me and heads for the stairs.
“Hey, I swapped the sheets for Andy’s favorite on his bed and have it all ready for him.”
Jaxon freezes and glances over his shoulder but doesn’t meet my gaze. “He’s going to be with me in my bed.”
“Oh, of course.” I watch Jaxon retreat up the stairs and out of view. Should I follow him and help? Does he even want my help? I’ve felt helpless for hours.
A hand on my shoulder breaks my train of thought. I turn to find Finn. “Hey, it’s okay. He’ll be back down in a few. Come on.” He tilts his head toward the kitchen, and I nod before watching him lead Lauren that way, hand in hand.
I’m about to follow them when I remember I left Andy’s stuffed animal in the car. I swipe Lauren’s keys from the coffee table and run out, grabbing it from the back seat. After depositing the keys back where I found them, I jog up the stairs, expecting to run into Jaxon, but when I enter his room, it’s empty sans Andy, who is curled up on his dad’s side of the bed with his arm resting on top of a pillow.
I softly pad my way over to the side of the bed and take a seat, careful not to disturb his arm. Finn had told Lauren that they gave Andy some pain medicine before they left that would help him sleep for a while, so he doesn’t even stir with the dip of the bed.
I brush a few stray hairs off his forehead. When my eyes dip down to his arm, I press my lips together to suppress a sob. I hate this for him. “Don’t worry, little dude. I’ll be sure to draw all your favorite things once you get your cast on.” I’m thinking maybe dinosaurs wearing capes. Andy is so brave, the bravest kid I know. Leaning forward, I kiss his forehead. “I’ll be back up soon. I love you.”
Raised voices come from the kitchen as I approach.
“Jaxon, you have no idea how sorry I am that this happened on my watch,” my sister says. Her voice is shaky, and I know she’s crying. I’m not sure who was more of a mess the past few hours—her for her guilt that this happened while she and Finn were watching him or me worried about him and Jaxon.
“No, it’s not your fault. Andy is my responsibility. I shouldn’t have been distracted.” His voice is strained. I know he blames himself for this, but that word “distracted” and the way he says it… I see the undertone of his words.
I step into the kitchen. “I’m sorry I was such a distraction to you. In case you forgot, tonight was your idea. In fact, I wasn’t the one to pursue you. It was always you.”
He sighs heavily. “That’s not what I meant.” He holds his hand up and shakes his head. “You know what? When you have kids of your own, you’ll understand.”
“There’s that line again.” He’s used that exact phrase twice tonight now. What, because I didn’t give birth to the child means I can’t care about them and love them as if they were my own?
“It’s nothing personal, Kate.” The way he says my name sends the same feeling through my veins as it did in our first meeting, full of disdain and annoyance. “Until you have kids of your own, you will never fully understand what I’m going through right now.”
“Well, I guess the joke’s on you, asshole.” There’s no more hiding the hurt and the anger. Jaxon looks confused, of course, because we were interrupted just as I was about to tell him. “I can’t have kids, so I guess I never have to worry about feeling like that.”
“What?” He gasps and takes a step toward me, but I retreat. I wince when I back directly into the corner of the counter, but the pain radiating through my back is nothing compared to the pain in my heart.
This wasn’t how I wanted to tell him. But then again, life doesn’t always go as we planned. We don’t ever expect change or loss to disrupt our lives, but I learned long ago to just accept it.
People will pity me if they find out, so I’ve always just pretended I didn’t want kids than tell them the truth. And that fear I’ve had is written all over Jaxon’s face. My worst nightmare come true.
“No, I don’t want your sympathy.” I use his own words against him.
“Kate,” he pleads. I’ve never hated my name more than hearing it on his lips. Sorrow swirls in his eyes.
“What, now that you know my deep dark secret, is that supposed to change what you just said? Change how you feel? No, you put those words out there, and now you have to deal with its consequences. It was a mistake to get involved with you—to think that this wouldn’t blow up in our faces, especially when we’re connected in so many ways. I might be forced to see you around, but I’m choosing to end this and walk away. I’m done.”
I storm out of the house without a second glance, leaving the pieces of my broken heart behind.