“What’d you say to him?” My brother snaps at me as I fold back the covers on one of the beds in my motel room.
“The truth.”
“I told you not to fill his head with that shit. Not tonight.”
“He deserved to hear it from me.”
“He coulda gone the rest of his life not hearing that shit.”
“You don’t mean that. You’re just pissy because you had to leave that chick you’re hung up on.”
“We’re not talking about me. We’re discussing how your man heard from your lips that you fucked someone else to death.”
“That’s not the way of it and you know it.”
“Close enough.”
I roll my eyes at him. Technically I guess his choice of verbiage isn’t wrong. That’s not the point though. “You not even going to call him?”
“And say what? He doesn’t want to talk to me right now.”
“No?”
“He won’t answer if I call. The best thing I can do for him right now is give him space. When he’s ready he’ll come back.”
“You sure about that?”
“I get he’s your club brother, but I know him better than you.”
“You’ve only been back in his life a few days. People change.”
“Yeah? Then why are you still here and not off getting your girl?”
“Because I don’t ride off. I don’t leave anyone behind.”
“Right. You’re not like me.”
“Not what I said.”
“You didn’t have to.” I climb into bed and turn my back toward him. I’ve had a real shit week. I don’t need Torsten piling more on me. I close my eyes and beg for sleep to take me. All I see though is Hound and the pain that flashed across his face when I told him what I did. I’m pissed at myself because my brother is right. I should have waited to drop another bomb in Hound’s lap. All I seem to do is hurt everyone around me. Archer. Gia. Even Mona. Not that any of them were innocent. Not by a long shot. But my man and his sweet She-Ra deserve better. Fuck. I didn’t even ask if she’s okay. She tried to protect me.
I flop to my back and glance over at my brother as he nurses a beer and flips through the channels on the Tv. “How’s the dog?”
“She’ll be all right.”
I nod. “How long do you think he’ll be out?”
“Hard to say. Like you said. He’ll return when he cools off and clears his head.”
“Should I be here when he does?”
He stays quiet, running a palm over the back of his head then cupping the back of his neck as he blows out a heavy breath. “Do you want to be? Seems like you’re doing whatever you can to sabotage this shit again.”
“Ouch.”
“Truth hurts.”
I roll back the other direction to stare at the wall.
“Sis?”
“What?”
“I’m glad you’re okay. Hound’ll make his peace with it. You did what you had to, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I whisper and this time when I close my eyes sleep claims me.
I jolt upright. Sweat clings to my body. I don’t recall the subject of my dreams. I only know that they contained nothing good. Nothing worth remembering. I touch the empty side of the bed and wonder where Hound slept last night or if he slept at all. My brother snores soundly from the other bed. I retreat to the bathroom. Careful not to wake Torsten. I splash some cold water on my face and squeeze some toothpaste onto my finger and rub it back and forth along my tongue and teeth. Rinse. Spit. Rinse. Spit. Flashes of the events of the day before play through my mind as I grip the basin of the sink. Rosie’s battered face. The scent of Carlos as he fucked me. The spray of his blood. His semen dripping down my thighs as I stared at his lifeless body. The way Hound looked at me when I walked out of the hospital. The way he stared through me when I broke his heart. The disappointment in my brother’s face.
The way I loathe myself as I stare at my reflection in the mirror.