35
RUBY
Making love to Sam wasn’t anything like I had imagined it would be. It was clumsy, awkward – uncomfortable too, although Sam tried to be gentle – and over almost as quickly as it had begun.
Afterwards, Sam rolled back over to his side of the bed and fell almost immediately into a heavy sleep. I lay awake, gazing up at the ceiling in the pitch darkness. I felt disappointed, and for some reason a little lonely, although he was right there beside me. I slid out of bed, taking care not to wake him. Picking up my dressing gown from the floor, I wrapped it around me and felt my way across to the door.
When I returned from the bathroom, Sam was still asleep. I lay down beside him, listening to his deep, regular breathing. What would it be like once he’d gone again? I couldn’t imagine it – I didn’t want to. It would be even worse this time, knowing he was alive but that I couldn’t be with him. Meanwhile, I had to break things off with Alfie; oh, how I was dreading that!
Beside me, Sam twitched and groaned, making soft whimpering sounds like a wounded animal. ‘Meggie,’ he murmured. ‘Meggie – no!’
I leaned over and lit the lamp. Sam’s eyes were half open; he was thrashing at the air, as if trying to hit something or push someone away. ‘No!’ he shouted, half sitting up. ‘No!’
As he continued to shout I heard footsteps on the landing outside our room. There was a tap on the door. ‘Is everything all right in there?’ I heard Mrs Leeming say.
‘Fine!’ I called. I put a hand gently on Sam’s shoulder. ‘Sam, Sam, wake up. It’s OK. You’re not in Germany anymore. You’re here with me, Ruby, in Southampton.’
Using the same low, soothing voice I used to call Father back when he was dreaming of Belgium, I repeated myself, imagining Mrs Leeming standing outside the door, her ear pressed against it, wondering what was going on.
Gradually, Sam relaxed into my arms. ‘It’s OK,’ I said. ‘It’s OK.’
His eyes fluttered open. ‘Where – where am I?’
‘The hotel in Southampton. You were having a bad dream.’
In the low light from the lamp, his face was pinched with fear; his eyes still held that faraway look I knew so well.
‘I thought I was in Dresden. In the fire.’
‘You’re not. That’s all over now.’ I put my arms around him and kissed his cheek. ‘Nothing bad can happen to you here.’
‘There was a kid,’ he said, in a halting voice. ‘I tried to save her, but I couldn’t – that’s how I burned my hands. She reminded me of Meggie. Now, whenever I remember her, it’s Meggie’s face I see.’
He began to cry, not the silent tears he’d shed when I first saw him on the ward but jagged, ugly sobs, wrenching from deep inside him. I held him. I didn’t know what else to do.
When he’d calmed down, we made love again. This time, it was different. As we moved with each other I felt as if I was being pieced back together, not into the girl I used to be but somebody completely new: a woman who could do anything, go anywhere, be anyone she wanted.
Afterwards, lying in each other’s arms, he murmured, ‘I wish I didn’t have to leave you.’
I felt a sudden pain in my throat. ‘So don’t.’
‘I have to.’
‘I know – your mother and sister. I know. I wish you were here for a few more days, though. At least we’d have time to get married before you went. I could forge another letter from Father – or even find a way to pretend I’m twenty-one—’
‘I wish we could too. But I have a plan,’ he said. ‘I’m gonna find a job, get a place to live. Then I’ll send for you, and we can have our wedding. It’ll only be a little while. And if we wait until October you won’t need to fake anything – you can marry me with a clear conscience.’
‘D’you promise?’ I said. ‘Because I don’t know how much longer I can bear it at the cottage. Goodness knows when Grandmother will be leaving – no one knows when the army will let people go back to Tyneham even though she and Father have both written to ask – and I—’
I clamped my mouth shut just in time to stop the words slipping out, going hot and cold all over at how close I had come to saying: I won’t be marrying Alfie now, so I won’t be moving out of the cottage to live with him. I’m stuck there.
Sam didn’t notice anything amiss. ‘I promise,’ he said.
I rested my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. This time, when he fell asleep, he didn’t have any nightmares.
When I woke up again, it was morning, and sunlight was streaming into the room. I turned over, reaching for Sam, and saw the other side of the bed was empty. Panic scattered through me. Had he left already?
Then I heard the chink of crockery. Sam was coming over to the bed, a tray balanced awkwardly on his bandaged hands. ‘I made tea,’ he said. ‘Hope I got it right.’
I took a cup and sipped it. ‘It’ll do, I suppose,’ I said, suppressing a smile.
He made a face, and nudged me.
‘Watch out! I’ll spill it, and then Mrs Leeming really will have something to complain about!’
He tried to tickle me instead. I put my cup down and wriggled away, laughing. ‘Stop it!’
‘Make me,’ he said with a mischievous grin. I was relieved to see it after last night, when he’d sobbed in my arms.
‘All right then, you asked for it!’ I began tickling him back, poking him in the ribs, until, breathless with laughter himself, he held his hands up.
‘OK, OK, I give in!’ he gasped. ‘Truce.’
I smiled triumphantly, and picked up my tea again. ‘I should think so too.’
He relaxed against me, leaning his head on my shoulder. ‘I love you, Ruby.’
‘I love you, Sam.’ Suddenly, I had a lump in my throat.
As we drank our tea, I looked at the silver ring. The ruby winked in a stripe of sunlight that fell across the bed where Sam had opened the curtains slightly. I’d have to take it off before I got home; if Grandmother saw it, she’d be furious. As for Alfie… My stomach twisted again, even though I knew it was the only thing I could do.
‘No time for breakfast,’ Sam said at last, putting down his empty cup. ‘I have to go. Find out how much trouble I’m in for going AWOL.’
I got out of bed and dressed quickly. ‘I’ll walk back with you. My train isn’t for a couple of hours.’
We made our way back through Southampton to the hospital in silence. I clung tightly to Sam’s arm, wondering how long it would be until I saw him again. Outside the hospital gates, I turned to face him. ‘You’ll write to me, won’t you?’
‘Of course I will. Every day. Just try and stop me.’
‘But send the letters to the Herald – here, I’ll give you the address – don’t forget it this time.’
I had my reporter’s notebook in my bag. I scribbled down the address of the Herald offices, tore out the page and handed it to him.
He kissed me. ‘Look after yourself, OK?’ His voice was hoarse. ‘We’ll be together again before you know it. Don’t forget how much I love you.’
I nodded. ‘Don’t you forget how much I love you, either,’ I said.
He closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against mine, and I breathed in his familiar smell – soap, tobacco and cinnamon gum – trying to fix the memory of him in my mind. He kissed me again. Then he was gone, walking back up the drive towards the hospital. I watched him until he was out of sight, a tearing pain in my chest.
I spent the next two hours aimlessly wandering the streets of Southampton, lost and dazed, still feeling Sam’s last kiss on my lips. How could our time together be over so quickly? We’d only just found one another again.
By mid-morning, I was on my way back to Devon, alone again except for my thoughts, weighed down by our parting, and the knowledge that, now, I had to find a way to tell Alfie – poor, loyal Alfie – I couldn’t marry him after all.